Confessions (Thunderbirds are go VxJ NSFW)
co written with the lovely Lady Equinox
Warning: fiction contains moments of attempted suicide and self inflicted sexual abuse. Please be aware that it's towards the middle of this fiction
This is crazy! He's your brother! Virgil brain screamed to his heart. Lately, he's been getting all these dreams about John, not normal things, but really intense, long drawn session of love making. His head all filled with images of John and the fact that he was far out of reach in space on TB5 made him yearn for him more. He did the only thing he knew how to cope: draw. So draw he did, till his whole room was beginning to look like a shrine.
John's sexual orientation was long known to swing across both sexes and was one of the reasons their father had cruelly chosen his 2nd born to man the space station. Hoping that some time alone, would not just mean that he could not 'corrupt' his brothers, but also give him time to work on his 'proper' identity.
This had gone on for some time now, Virgil's bubbling and increasingly strong feelings for him wasn't just because he was curious. He was falling... and falling hard. John's been increasingly moody as well. He was becoming more withdrawn than usual and Virgil was worried. He needed to find a way to get him to come down to the island, so he could plan his grand confession. Tonight seemed perfect. Scott and Gordon was planning to go to the mainland, to drop off the monthly Tracy Industries reports and do an overnight supply run. Grandma Tracy was busy visiting some friends, while Kayo and Alan were helping Brains source out for some building materials needed for the next major overhaul for their crafts.
"Hey John? How about dinner with me on the island tonight? It's just you and me, we’d have the whole place to ourselves. I'd cook for a change..." Virgil tried to play it cool, hoping to the Gods that John would say yes.
"That sounds nice. Are you sure you want to cook though? we could just get take out." John replied over the holophone. A home cooked meal sounded nice after all the junk Brains puts into tubes for him to eat in space. Anything that was on a plate sounded ideal. "Just give me a few minutes to finish this last report on your last mission and I'll come down."
Everything was set. In truth, Virgil had been planning this for a long time. He just hoped John would reciprocate in kind and not reject him, or worse laugh in his face.
He rushed to end the call and ran off to prepare...
John hung up the call on his end. "Hope Virgil remembers the extra cheese. Those frozen pizzas don't have nearly enough." that was true, however John liked his covered in so much cheese that it obliterated the taste of anything else on the pizza. He finished over looking the last report and satisfied, made his way into the space lift and set it for the long trip down back to earth.
It was dark when John set foot in the living room, fixing his shirt. “Mmm.. what’s that smell?”
The house lights were all turned off and in its place, were lots of candles. Burning with, wait, hints of his favorite vanilla smell burning in the air?
John stepped on something, he couldn't really make out what it was in the dim lighting and bent down to pick it up.
It was a chocolate Hershey kiss. Not just the normal kind, the limited red peppermint swirls that were one of his many favorites, which you can only get during Christmas. John smiled, then his eyes grew wide, as he realised the whole pathway from the living room to his private sanctuary, that was the round guest house was littered with them. How the hell Virgil managed to get a hold on so many, in the middle of June was beyond him.
He smiled and followed the path of kisses along up the two flights of stairs, picking them up as he went and occasionally popping one in his mouth to chew. He was hungry after all.
At this rate, he’d fill up on sweets before he even got to take a bite of pizza.
He paused at the top of the stairs. He could hear music coming from the room at the far end with the big beautiful windows. Ok… what on earth is going on? It wasn’t his birthday and let’s face it, no one ever remembered it anyway. Call him a suspicious bastard, but Virgil was up to something… but what?
He opened the door to the room and before he looked around, he quipped with “Ok, Virgil, you’ve had your fun, I’m kinda too tired to play silly buggers - Oh woah…”
On the other side of the door, was even more candles, rose petals and chocolate kisses covering every inch of the floor. Virgil walked over to John nervously, as he closed the door behind them. "I had this big speech planned, but all that went out the window, the moment you walked in... So I'm just going to be forward-” Maybe too forward, Virgil thought. “-with you... I... I got it bad for you. I love you, not just in the brotherly sense too, I want you. I'm not doing this to screw with you, but you've got to know this has been going on for some time, from all of ‘this’.” He gestured to their surroundings. “ So, I guess... what I'm trying to say is…” he smiled as he looked into John's beautiful green eyes. “Now that I've kissed the floor you walk on... will you let me love you? Will you be mine?" Virgil's heart pounded in his ears, he's laid all his cards on the table now...
John swallowed and started to flush a rosey red. No one was suppose to know he was into that sort of thing and it made him feel hurt that one of his brother’s knew.
VIRGIL FUCKING KNEW!
He heart was pounding a mile a minute. What was he supposed to do? Glancing around he could tell alot of effort had gone into this set up and Virgil was not joking around. He stepped back as few paces and crunched several chocolates under foot, winding up with rose petals stuck to the bottom of his feet in a sticky mess.
“What brought this on Virgil?” He managed to get out eventually. He felt like a rabbit cornered in a fox's den and realised that Virgil could see it clear as day. John hid up on the space station to avoid things as weird as this. “I - I mean… why me Virgil?” he stopped walking backwards when he bumped into the couch that was in the room. Their father had spared no expense for his visitors to the island, each guest room was like a hotel; complete with bed, couch, television and minibar. That’s why John liked it… it was small, private and had all the comforts Thunderbird five and his own bedroom didn’t. “I mean..Ok I think I know why… but… w-why?”
Seeing the mild panic in John's eyes, Virgil worried if he had come on too fast. "It's always been you, John." Virgil turned his back, hoping that the words would come easier if he didn't see the hunted look in his brother's eyes. "You're always the first one I turn to, whenever I needed to talk. You don't judge, ever. You've always understood. You're my touchstone, my rock, my anchor. I'd be lost without you... Lately, these feelings have been coming in like a flood. I'm scared if I don't tell you now, I'd never get the courage to" Virgil hung his head low, afraid he's now ruined the only good thing between him and John.
"I hate that I love you... I hate that I want you like this... I don't want to... But right now, I feel like I can't place anyone else above you... And I'm not sure I want to..." Virgil felt defeated but deep inside, he felt like this was worth fighting for. He turned to face John, "So... will you give us a chance?"
John's shoulders sagged. He disliked being put on the spot, but somehow his brothers always managed to make him famous for it. He shifted to sit on the couch and patted the space beside him with what he hoped was a disarming smile. “Come here Virgil.”
Virgil relaxed, and went to sit beside John. "Not exactly what I had planned for this evening." He joked.
"I'm sorry. This was too much for anyone to absorb in one night. Promise me one thing that you give it some thought?"
He put his head on John's shoulder, drinking in the warmth from how close he was to him. This was enough, for now. This was his happy place, and whatever John decided, no one could take this away from him. He took a mental picture and locked it in his heart. He started to relax and closed his eyes sleepily.
“Overboard would be an understatement.” John sighed. “Virgil, can I ask, how long?” he said wrapping an arm around him and rubbing his shoulder gently.
"Hmm?" Virgil replied, "Oh, give or take a year? Never dared to act on it till now"
“That bad huh?” John looked around the room again. “Tell me… what do you dream?” slowly, his hand had migrated from Virgil's shoulder and was now playing with his hair, rubbing the mousse out of the spikes with his fingers.
"Huh? You sure you want to know?" Virgil asked, embarrassed at what he was about to confess to John. "I dream of us... of me writing your name, into the curves of your back..." He smiled to himself lazily. "I dream of us holding hands, and cuddling on a rainy day in the round house..." naked, but he opts to leave out that part.
"... of long walks on the beach. Sometimes, we're kissing while watching the sunset, or under your favorite stars at night..." Virgil stopped, not daring to reveal the more intimate parts of his dreams. He shifted into a more comfortable position and daringly hugged John with his right arm. 'Maybe all this is a dream too?...' he thought.
He didn't want to break the magic of this moment. This felt right, almost sacred. He turned his head and breathed in the scent of John's favorite shower gel. Even if nothing were to come out of this, just having this moment was enough, he decided. Virgil opened his eyes and drank in the vision that was John. Memorizing every inch of him, from how his red hair shone like the sun in the candlelight, to how the emerald of his eyes was like the ocean surrounding them. He couldn't help himself and reached out to trace the jawline he's come to love so much.
“So just the basic stuff we can do already huh?” John teased, sitting up straight facing Virgil, folding his long legs in his tight white jeans on the couch cushion. “See, from where I'm sitting it looks more than ‘just’ that.”
He leaned back, a sultry smile on his face. “Rose petals, chocolate kisses… a blurted out mess of feelings…” John leaned in really close to Virgil's face, “If I didn't know how your brain worked after 21 years of living under the same roof I'd swear you were also implying you want to have sex with me.” and with that, his lips pressed against Virgil's, softly, teasingly… till Virgil started to kiss back, then he brought his arms around his shoulders to hold him close, so the kisses wouldn't stop.
When he finally stopped to breathe he added, “The thing is Virgil, it's been pretty obvious you've been thinking about some ‘things’ every time I've tried to hang out with you. I'd have to be an idiot not to make connections…. By the way, you might want to take those nude photos down I've seen you painting from in your bedroom… Scott and Gordon might demand answers as to why you're taking secret pictures of me in the lockers where we keep our clean gear.”
He tapped Virgil on the nose playfully and kissed him again.
Huh? How did he know? John always seemed to be one step ahead of him, even now he was playing him like he did his piano. Looking into his eyes, he didn't see the hesitation that was there earlier. His heart pounded loudly, and he was almost sure John could hear it too. Dare he try to see how far this night could take them? Virgil threw all inhibition out the window, he did that the moment he started planning all this.
He pushed forward, leaning in for another kiss. As John responded in kind, he pushed his tongue in to explore. He shivered, this was exactly as it was in his dreams, slow and measured. John tasted faintly of vanilla and of the peppermint kisses he had earlier. He finally came up for air, almost unwillingly, as he nuzzled and sucked on John's ear playfully implying, ‘I want you NOW' as he gently tugged and pulled off John's shirt.
John might have been the skinniest of them, but that didn't mean he wasn't fit. Virgil sat on John's crouch, pinning him to the sofa. He playfully traced out John's name lightly on his stomach, like he did so many times before in his dream, he was rewarded with a groan. He leaned in, and pressed their foreheads together before engaging him in another passionate kiss. Virgil had only his dreams, and he wasn't sure of his next move. He smiled suggestively at John, as he whispered, “Show me..."
“Show you what? This?” John used his weight to roll Virgil off him and onto the floor, sitting on top of him as he did so. He let out a playful chuckle. He wanted to mess around a little, but it was clear Virgil was determined to make him his bitch.
If that's how he wants to play, then so be it.
John fended off Virgil's wandering hands and leaned down and pressed a finger to his lips. “Wait.”
He helped him up off the floor and lead him over towards the bed and rummaged through a draw in the bedside table. Since he'd been using this room as his private sanctuary for sometime, he started building a small collection of things to keep himself amused for when certain urges presented themselves.
He pulled free a thick leather spiked dog collar, baby blue in colour that had a large cat bell that jingled and a shiny tag that had his name on it….along with a baby blue leather leash.
He gave Virgil a grin when he buckled it tight around his neck, clipped in the leash and handed it up to Virgil.
“Dominate me.”
Virgil was stunned, still holding the leash in his hand. This was not he was expecting and he was unsure of himself, wondering if they had taken things too far. He took a deep breath, but damn if he's going to back out now. He hated to admit it, seeing John in the leather choker and leash was a turn on. He smiled slyly, if John thought he was some virgin schoolboy, he was going to show him how wrong he was.
He made John kneel in front of him and he was sure both of them was shivering with more than just anticipation. He felt his pulse throbbing and his throat felt dry and he was getting harder with every minute. Oh, he was going to have so much fun having his way with John…
Virgil noticed the way John squirmed at his touch, trying to anticipate his next move. He decided to take full advantage of that, as he traced his bare fingers gently, starting from the base of his neck and agonisingly slowly ran it down John's spine.
Lifting John's head towards him, Virgil gave him a passionate kiss, as savage as he would allow, his tongue sensuously exploring John's mouth. Damn he cursed, suddenly noticing all this cumbersome clothing both of them still had on.
'Undress me...' He teased, as he guided John's hands to the top of his already too tight jeans.
John obeyed, he did after all give Virgil permission to do as he pleased. hopefully he wasn't going to let it go to his head. John rarely ever got to be playful, even when he messed around and experimented in university he was always someone else’s toy. It was ok as long as it wasn't cruel..John putting a stop to it when it did.
He could see desperation on his brother's face and the tug of the leash getting tighter as he was probably being too slow, but Virgil could wait. If John was able to explore, he was going to damn do so.
He slipped his hands under the rim of Virgil’s pants and boxers and slid them down, trailing kisses along his pelvis as he went. Virgil smelled so strong, John knew he was in for some serious trouble if he was to string him along with any more teasing. The collar jerked him towards Virgil's aching erection, John’s nose inches from it. The smell was intoxicating...he could see Virgil’s pre excitement dripping of the end and making him all wet.
Virgil's body ached and reacted with longing with each of John's lingering kisses. He wanted nothing more for John to breathe all of him in, to be his air for his every point of existence. He needed him, there and now. He growled in frustration as he peeled off the remaining layers of John's cumbersome clothing. John might have been into the whole bondage thing, but he wanted to show him how making sweet love can be methodical and gentle, all at the same time.
Finally, John was naked and he had to stop and stare at how beautiful he was. Gently he held him, as he penetrated him slowly, allowing John to be accustomed to him. John's heavy breathing slowly turned to barely suppressed cries of pleasure, as Virgil began to find a steady rhythm.
John gasped and clawed at the floor. FUCK! He
wasn't ready at all! Virgil couldn't wait, foreplay clearly not a part
of the program.
“Aaah!” John cried out, as Virgil’s hips moved with his big thick hard on pushing deep inside. His hand's tried pawing at him to stop but his back arched along with each strong thrust. At least they were slow, but that didn't help much.
“Uhh..ahhhAhhh!” he curled his body up as best he could and sunk his teeth into Virgil's broad muscular shoulder.
Virgil chuckled, that bite was going to have some nasty bruising later with John's forcefulness, not that he cared at this moment. He leaned in close and whispered as he asked seductively, "Come with me? Let's finish this... together." He licked the sweat off John's face with his tongue.
John bit him again and this time dug in his nails, moved his knee in the way so it caught Virgil in the stomach. Tears were threatening to fall and he was not about to let Virgil see them. This was not how it was suppose to go, it wasn't supposed to hurt!
“Fuck!” John swore loudly and bit into Vigil again, this time sinking his sharp canines into his arm lower down where there was no protection from the pain of it as to get the message across. Another hard shove and John swore he was drawing blood out of Virgil with his fingernails. He wasn’t strong enough to get Virgil off him without injuring himself.
“Aaahhh Virgil!” he finally found the words. “Virgil stop!”
Virgil flinched from the painful bite and stopped. He never meant to hurt John, but was so caught up in the act that he didn't realize he was hurting him in doing so. "Oh God, I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to... Are you ok?" He long withdrew but was now almost afraid to touch him, fearful of causing him more pain. Fuck! he thought, this was not the way it was supposed to go. "John?" he asked cautiously, scared that he had crossed barriers that John wasn't ready to share with him just yet.
John winced as Virgil pulled out and rolled on his side and clutched his arms around his chest trying to stop the involuntary shakes.
“I'm
sorry Virgil…. Wasn't ready at all...that…that hurt….” he couldn't hide
the whimper in his voice, curling his knees up as he felt very
vulnerable and exposed. “There's a reason for foreplay you know?
Fuuuuck…” he mumbled. “I'm so sorry Virgil….. I'm really really sorry.”
He reached up, hoping Virgil would cuddle him. He really needed physical contact of the reassuring kind.
Virgil felt his heart breaking, it wasn't supposed to go like this, him hurting John like that. Part of him wanted to flee from the room, disgusted with himself for what he did. But he stayed, John clearly needing the reassurance he was seeking for. He kissed John softly on the forehead as the first tears fell, "I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to hurt you like that... I would never intentionally cause you pain, you know that right?" His arms wrapped around John's still quivering body. He buried his head in his brother's shoulders, taking in the familiar scent.
John embraced his brother tight in his arms. “It's not your fault….it's mine for making assumptions.” a little jingly sound was heard as he swallowed. “Give me a minute….I'd like to try again, just not so rough yeah?”
Virgil blinked, not quite believing his ears. "You sure? We don't have to..."
John kissed him. “How about I show you what I like? I've had plenty of time to work that out myself in private….”
Virgil smiled in spite of his hesitation, he nodded. "Wait..." Virgil stopped him, taking the annoying collar off. "Better?"
“I happen to like it.”
He laughed, "How about I wear it for a change?"
“If it fits. It was custom made. It goes with a few other playthings of mine that are supposed to only fit me… but if it helps show you what i like then yeah, you can.. give me a minute to clean you up a second down there before we go too crazy.” he slowly and shakily stood up, wandering into the ensuite and came back with a wet warm face cloth and gave Virgil's a very gentle clean, carefully and delicately washing his privates.
Virgil shuddered under his brother's touch, thinking he might get hard even before foreplay began. He tried to distract himself and decided to try on the collar. It was flexible to stretch enough to fit him.
He was grateful that John was willing to give it a second go especially after...He pushed the thought aside, determined to do things right this time.
“You know, a warm towel bath with a lover is a great way to give you a chance to explore their body.” John said, casually. When he was satisfied he kissed Virgil on the very tip of his excited member before he took the face cloth back to the ensuite.
Virgil blushed, as his head sank back on the floor. Did John just call him his lover? Butterflies warmed in his stomach at the thought. One thing John was doing well: Teasing him.
John came back and helped Virgil off the floor. He smiled. “The leash? It means something very important.”
Important? What's so important about a leash? He wondered and hope John was going to show him. He gave him a gentle kiss as he handed John the leash. He was going to make sure he'd let him lead them this time round. He was just going to enjoy the ride. God, he's beautiful.. he smiled, as he looked at every line of John's lean form.
John held the leash rather slack in comparison to Virgil had it earlier. He gave Virgil a reassuring smile. “This means you’ve given me permission to have your body and that you trust me not to harm it.” he said softly. “Romantic symbolism.”
Virgil smiled, only John could make bondage sound so romantic.
"Then what about this?" He pointed to the collar he was still wearing, and played with the bell.
“Oh that,” John gave a silly childish grin, something he rarely ever did. “I happen to fucking love the sound it makes when I’m forced to entertain myself in front of the bathroom mirror.” he purred and gave it a little jingle with his fingers. “Looks good on you.”
Virgil laughed, feeling somewhat privileged to be allowed inside John's secret world. He took his hand and pressed his face into the curve of his palm. “Please God, don't let me screw it up this time?” He begged.
“You won’t, trust me.” John kissed him softly, slowly parting Virgil’s lips and taking his time to explore. While he did that, the hand that held the leash, brushed the soft leather handle against Virgil’s skin, using it as something extra to give his brother another strange sensation to feel and think about. His fingers were barely touching Virgil’s flesh, but he knew that he’d be shivering as if he was standing in the cold. John loved to touch himself this way and Virgil would find it strange and new. He took a few steps back and even with the slack on the leash, he guided Virgil towards the bed, sitting himself down and indicating Virgil to face him and straddle his lap.
Virgil didn't realize he had voiced out his fears. He gave John a grateful kiss, slow and purposeful. Pouring out his love, his apologies, in flows and ebbs where his words and actions had failed him before. His fingers lightly graced John's back, gently touching him, like he did lovingly with his piano.
He caressed his soft hair and felt every curve of his head. God, he wanted him so bad. His hands roamed down to the curve of John's rear, sending shivers through them both as he did so.
His fingers knew John's body by touch now. It was a familiar place to be. His heart raced as John moved his body forward, taking him higher to the heavens, with each breath he took.
With Virgil on his lap he was now shorter than his brother, giving him more access to enjoy pleasing him. He started laying patterns with his fingers, his lips and his tongue, starting from Virgil's neck and across his collarbone. There wasn't a single inch of skin left untouched. His fingers hovered up and down Virgil's back and down his sides, forcing John to grin with a wild uncontrollable playfulness as he showed Virgil just how he should enjoy exploring him. He nipped at his nipples, careful not to pinch or leave a single mark and stroked Virgil’s spread legs with his hands, the insides of the thighs one of the more sensitive areas of the human body. He breathed in Virgil's scent, a strong musk that screamed strength, power and sexual tension just like how his skin tasted of hard work, training and effort. John knew that wasn't all there was to Virgil, but his naked body was saying otherwise.
He tapped Virgil lightly with the leash. “Lie down, big bear.” He purred softly.
Virgil did as he was told. This was nothing like he ever had before.
John's touch was gentle and full of grace, that he was not aware anyone could be capable of. He closed his eyes, and tried to remember every caress, each kiss... His whole body was fire to touch, yet he shivered involuntarily, trembling at the softness of John's fingers.
It was like time had slowed down, John had him captivated and something stirred deep in Virgil. Where once was loneliness, it was if his touch alone made him feel alive again. He never wanted him to stop, a fire was lit in his soul and he was falling, how deep he no longer cared. He wanted to steal time from his own life, to freeze this magical moment in time. Where their bodies moved in unison, like a song that connected them beyond the physical.
John lay across him from above, his body fitting snugly on top since he was skinny enough to do so. He rested his head on Virgil's chest, listening to every breath taken and how much his heart was beating, as if it was in danger of leaping out of his mouth at any given moment. He lifted himself up and kissed Virgil with as much devotion he had for the night sky and the universe and trailed that all the way down to his navel, circling it with his tongue and then trailing that all the way down to his throbbing erection. He licked, nuzzled and kissed it until he seemed satisfied enough to return to Virgil’s lips, tasting of the salty tang from his desperate desire.
While the lips were re engaged and his hands stroking Virgil lovingly, he carefully lowered himself and let out a sharp sudden gasp the moment he let Virgil inside him. He shifted Virgil's hands and positioned them around his sides so he was held close to him, but also so his hands and their ministrations to his own body took his mind off the mild pain sensation that this time, hopefully would wear off once Virgil's hips started moving.
Their bodies danced in perfect synchronization this time. A harmony rising where there wasn't before. As they moved deep in rhythm with their arms tightly wrapped around each other, you could no longer tell where one being ended and the other began.
"John... I..." Virgil shivered, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Shhhhh... I know..." as he kissed him softly, letting Virgil know beyond words, that he too was almost reaching the end of his limits. "Together this time..." He touched their foreheads together, as they gave in to the sweet release of relief, trembling under the sheets.
They stayed like this for a while, for how long, neither knew nor cared. Their tangle of limbs, as they leaned into the curves of each other, listening to the other's beating heart told them everything they needed to know.
This... this was something else. This was the kind of physicality you only read about. A passion was lit, with a pinch of pain, this was beginning of something beautiful. Something to be treasured, however long it would last, was something that both of them would defend to death protecting.
And there they laid, safe and secure in each other. Falling closer than either could ever fathom. For now, that was enough.
Virgil stirred, briefly waking up, to the vision of John's body bathed in the moonlight streaming in through the windows.
He smiled, as he thought to the magic that was last night. John's touch had took him to places he's never been.
"I think I'm in love..." he said, as he snuggled closer to John, feeling like if he wasn't careful, he might just vanish and disappear before his eyes.
Virgil slowly woke, he was surprised that it was barely 7am. But he really shouldn't have been, he was still buzzing from a natural high from the night before.
He smiled, as he found John's right arm draped over him, seemingly protectively. He gently pulled away from John, being careful not to wake him.
'Might as well get up to get rid all evidence of last night, before any of the others get home.' he thought to himself.
It took him the better half of the next 3 hours to put everything away. By the time he was done, he had:
(1) divided the chocolate between John's private stash on the island and in a giant jar for him to bring up to TB5
(2) kept the rose petals in a separate jar on his drawing table.
(3) threw away the used candles, and recycled the leftovers.
(4) and seeing how they had both forgotten about dinner, whipped up John's favorite pancakes for breakfast, on a tray by the bedside table and a hot flask of tea, knowing that John wasn't hard wired on coffee, like the rest of his brothers.
Virgil was cautious despite how hard he was falling for John, he knew he had to be realistic knowing that John might not want to take this any further than they did last night.
He may be a hopeless romantic at heart but he wasn't foolish either.
He left a handwritten note thanking John for last night on top of the breakfast he made.
He leaned in and kissed John softly on the forehead, and whispered "I love you, now, forever and always..."
He smelled his hair, drinking in him one last time then walked away, closing the door behind him quietly.
John rolled over and lazily moved his arms around, the jingle of the bell making a noise as he bumped the collar that was lying on the bed sheets. His brain was a little slower than his fingers in picking up something was wrong. He struggled to open his eyes, mild case of space sickness was settling in, the effects of real gravity leaving him feeling heavier than half a ton of bricks.
Virgil had gone.
Was last night real? Was his head so badly affected by the pressure in his skull that he had made everything up? Usually space sickness occurred while in actual space..but John was pretty much a permanent resident there these days so the opposite occurred when he took a break at home.
He felt like he was being crushed and his head was pounding worse than a night spent getting so drunk he had woken up naked down the beach after one of Scott or Gordon's many out of control birthday parties.
Wasn't there supposed to be pizza last night? Oh fuuuuuck.
He pulled the pillow over his head in a rather bad attempt to stop gravity pushing down on his brain. It was never going to work.
Slowly sitting up he noticed the tray of pancakes and a soup flask. The room stunk so much of vanilla spice he failed to smell the wondrous scent of real food… and his stomach couldn’t handle the idea of something sitting in it knowing it would feel like cement in his guts for hours.
That was the other problem. He wasn't going to be able to eat a proper meal at least till the end of the day… if he was lucky. Trying to explain it to his family was impossible, as only their father and Alan understood what it was like after long periods of time in and off the planet, everyone else hadn’t traveled long enough to feel the effects, though there were days Gordon had a pang of sympathy for him as being under the sea in a high pressure environment had the same effect once it was all gone and gravity was restored to normal...but it never lasted longer than he was sick for.
Ok… so it was far from mild this time. Maybe it was a good thing it was happening now and not last night, where he felt so light headed and intoxicated he could barely remember anything other than the sound of the cat bell and another body inside of him, turning him into jelly.
Give or take a few minutes anyway. His head may hurt like someone hit it with a mallet, but he wasn’t going to blot out many details from last night for long...especially since his body seemed to recall the feeling better than his brain did.
There was a little note on the tray of food and John picked it up to read it. So last night did happen after all...but the contents...it's as if Virgil had a few small regrets despite the care in his words.
John realised Virgil was worried that it was a one time affair.
He dragged himself out of the bed, grabbed the collar and the leash and stumbled over to the couch where he just flopped down, still naked. No one ever bothered him up here so he could spare a few minutes lounging around without any pants.
He couldn’t believe Virgil wore his collar. That was John's little fetish he had with leather against his skin, one he found he quite liked and couldn't part with...or share with anyone till last night. It wasn't just that though, the tightness around his neck was a little bit asphyxiating when things got passionate and the heightened sensation of being extra breathless was one John couldn't quite explain. It had nothing to do with bondage, but everything to do with extra sexual pleasure.
During university, when he was trying to work out what he was into he was always treated no more than just a plaything, by women and men alike. They we're not all rough or abusive, but they never let him explore, play or be too involved in the build up to the main event. John hated it. He was never ready, getting hurt every time...not just physically, but emotionally too. Nothing worse than being told you're a ‘pathetic lay’…. And then rumors hit the ears of his teachers….and his father.
Jeff wasn't mad, just disappointed that John was using his body to please people as that's eventually all that people like him for.
If he still had the same body he had now back then...would Virgil still want him? He was bulkier and he knew he was a walking sexual innuendo without even trying to be. Now he was scrawny, sickly, boney…. Why would anyone in their right mind want him?
He didn't have any real friends outside of Captain O’Bannon and even then he wasn't even sure he was really considered as one to her. He never really had a friend before that wasn't one of his brothers and there was things you couldn’t talk to them about… or with her either.
Why did Virgil find him attractive? John knew if he had tried what he did now in the light of day his pale skin, skeletal appearance… all of it would have made him think twice about having sex with him. The photos Virgil painted from didn't show that level of detail and maybe that was a blessing as bruises were starting to show where Virgil had been rough with him… and around his neck where the collar was pulled tight in a passionate display of desperation.
But that wasn't how last night ended. John was determined that if Virgil had it that bad for him he wanted him to remember the first time… maybe the only time for the right reasons.
He slipped on the collar, the bell cheerfully ringing away.
He slid his hand down his collar and started stroking himself along the bone, his thoughts elsewhere with Virgil...he didn't care where as long as Virgil was the one touching him, feeling him...exploring him.
He imagined his lips brushing him gently, fingers gliding over his porcelain-like skin and shivered with unbridled excitement at the idea of Virgil's gentleness, his slow, methodical pace...John wished he could run his own fingers through his dark black hair that hinted patches of brown in the right light… John arched his back as his imagined Virgil stroking his sides, tickling him and getting pleasure out of watching him wriggle and squirm.
The bell kept ringing as he moved around, pretending Virgil was on top of him, his big powerful body towering over, smelling of paints and photography chemicals or maybe a bit of blood and sweat from after a rescue...
Fuck… the last thought… the one with Virgil stripping out of his dirty sweaty and blood drenched uniform… made John hard just thinking about it. Not Virgil's blood of course, but the fact it was the image of Virgil seeking John out after a shitty mission looking for someone to make the bad thoughts and visions all go away…
John's hand moved with extreme purpose, imagining Virgil being a little rough but wanting the gentle attentions of John to remind him that he was home safe and no monsters could get him. John wanted to taste what he was like, the strong sexual musk from last night lingering in his mind. He wanted to stroke his member with his tongue, caress his undercarriage with his fingers while he played with the length of his erection using only his mouth… then swallowing whatever spilled out…
John came into his hands… hot, sticky and smelling of sweets. He shuddered but fuck…. He felt good...like the weight of gravity had somewhat lifted for the time being. He didn't imagine last night… it really had happened.
He had a shower and still naked, sat leaning against the window like he usually did when the weight of even his clothes was too much for him to cope with, basking in the sunlight like as elderly ginger tomcat. He wasn't worried that anyone would see him there, both Scott and Kayo had mentioned it once when they’d noticed when they landed after a mission… but after a few words exchanged with John in his sick state they decided it wasn't worth the argument as they realised that it was hell on his system after several straight days in zero gravity after Alan had a few days where he would do the same on the balcony after a long space mission and laughably Gordon rugged up with extra clothes to try and simulate the high pressure that was no longer present on dry land. The human body wasn't designed to take so much strain as often as the Tracys put it through.
And just like a elderly ginger tomcat, John fell asleep...naked against the warm glass.
Virgil sat at his piano, his fingers playing a melody from memory, but lacking the usual flow that it had. He just needed the distraction.
He hasn't seen John all day.
'Hell, he's probably back on Thunderbird 5 right now.' Virgil thought, with a tinge of sadness. But what was he expecting to come from this? That his brother would reciprocate his love in return? No, that was silly.
His mind drifted back to last night...
The soft glow of the candlelight, dancing on John's skin. Of his delicate and tender kisses trailing all over his body. Of his soft embrace, where he felt like he belonged, where nothing could touch him and that he was safe and secure.
He felt like he was drowning in that memory, as he willingly waded into deeper waters, where all the good memories of them was. Trying to get the glimpse of the John that he remembered.
His heart ached. But maybe more than that, his body and soul ached even more for him. He was confused. All this, after just one night? Was that even possible? He'd rather be back there in his arms than here. Anything to stop this hurting.
He was grateful to be sitting down, cos the images replaying his head was making him weak in the knees. Nothing felt right without John by his side.
John had always been elusive, preferring to seek the solitude of space, rather than the company of his own family. Right now, he never seemed further away from him. Like an unreachable star, shining its light on him, but always, always just out of his fingertips.
There was something about him, that made this love seem to have an insatiable thirst, that can never be quenched.
He remember how they had breathed as one, moving together up and down, levitating and soaring above, like their feet were never meant to touch the floor. How they had fallen asleep, still deep inside one another. The feeling that they were never meant to be parted.
It was akin to magic, the way they practiced their love, between those sheets. If he just breathed deeply, he swore he could almost smell the chocolate candied sweetness that was John, like it was stained on his skin.
He stopped playing, when he realized his tears was falling on his hands and piano keys.
There was one thing that could heal the cracks that were showing. But no, that was in the past now nothing but an impossible, unreachable reality.
He walked towards the door that led to the pool, grateful no one was around as he lit and took an unnecessary long drag on his cigarette.
Scott's voice filtered past, along with Gordon's as they walked into the kitchen, neither noticing Virgil outside.
"so that's why he was sitting in the window?"
"yeah. I still don't get used to it, but after saving the Helix on Mars with Alan I get where he's coming from. Alan sat in the locker bay naked for several hours, unable to put clothes on thinking they weighed three tons. admittedly I had headaches, nausea and couldn't wear anything heavier than my satin night shirt. if John goes through all of that and then some after being in normal gravity for a few hours then yeah.... he's fine to do that."
"sheesh and I only got the headaches from traveling to Jupiter.. thank fuck dealing with water pressure isn't as bad."
"Gordon, you wear a bloody thick woolen coat over two jumpers, a skivvy and two vests. last 40 degree day you almost died of heat stroke."
the voices died away as they headed upstairs to the living room.
Virgil listened with interest. 'John is still here on the island?' He thought, his heart leaping to his throat.
He needed to seek him out, needed to melt in that soft embrace. No matter if John might push him away later. He needed this.
He got up and headed to the roundhouse, sneaked in as quietly as he could, and smiled as he found John cuddled in a ball, still naked, leaning against the glass for the warmth of the sun.
He was probably going to wake up really sore, from sleeping on the hard floor like that, but Virgil couldn't bring himself to wake him. He'd wait here for him to wake up, he decided.
Picking up the note, he flipped to the back of the paper, and looked for a pen at the study table nearby. He wanted to capture John like this, peaceful, silent and strong. He began to draw, every curve and outline he was now familiar with, having traced his long fingers all over them last night.
When he finished, he needed to be closer. Laying down beside him, snuggling as close as he dared without waking him, Virgil fell asleep still clutching the drawing of John.
John stirred, stretching out as far as his limbs would go and resettled against the glass, exposing all the bruises from the night before with the exception of his neck. He shivered, his body only half warmed by the sun. His head still pounded and his guts felt vile, however a part of his self conscious was shouting at him, waving it's arms around telling him he needed to get off the floor and have at least one civil conversation with his family to let them know he was fine before crashing again. He just didn't have it in him to do so. He flung his arm out and mumbled something incoherent and then Virgil's name slipped out.
'John...' Virgil mumbled back, still half asleep himself, when he felt John moving. 'Don't go... please stay...' He instinctively reached out, and pulled John closer, slowly warming him up in the process, that darn drawing still clenched in his hand. He buried his head in the crook of his shoulder, 'No... don't... don't leave me...' he cried.
John's sluggish brain was being nagged by his ears. wake up! they were shouting, you're not alone anymore!
Bleary eyed, John looked in the direction of the sound and was nose to nose with Virgil. Needless to say; he was startled, bolting upright despite Virgil's grip and then regretting the motion by groaning loudly, grabbing his head till the dizziness stopped. It was like being drunk, but without the joy of alcohol in his system.
Virgil stirred, from the sudden movements coming from John, who was sitting up, looking worse for wear.
He sat up himself, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "You ok?" He asked. "Space sickness?"
He walked over to the flask, hoping the tea would be still warm enough, and pour a cup for John. "Here, this will help."
The dizziness got the better of him and he just collapsed on Virgil in a heap, breathing like something heavy was sitting on his chest, spilling the tea everywhere.
Virgil reacted quickly, firmly grabbing John before he could fall forward. "What's wrong? You ok?" He asked, concerned.
"Just breathe, ok? Deep, slow breaths." Virgil cupped John's face in his hands, trying to get his brother's attention, to try and stop him panicking. He hoped it was just because John had probably sat up too quickly.
“Vi….gi…”John mumbled. In one way, he was glad it was him since he wasn't clothed but in another he wished he didn't see him like this.
Everything felt so heavy, like he was made of concrete.
"Shhhh.... don't try to talk. I'm here. Deep slow breaths... " Virgil then noticed that the breakfast he made laid untouched. John probably hadn't had anything to eat or drink since last night, this was his fault.
He reached over, bringing the whole flask with him this time. "You need to get something in you." He coddled, begging John to take a sip of the tea.
"I know it feels like you can't stomach anything right now, but you need to, your blood sugar is low right now. Just a few sips, please?" He smiled kindly, as he held the flask out to John, hints of the still warm chamomile tea floating around them.
John nodded, drinking from the cup that Virgil held. Something was bothering him, he wrinkled his nose. Virgil..didn't smell like Virgil.
“You're still smoking, aren't you?” he murmured. It wasn't a question, but a statement intended to engage his pudding brain.
Virgil laughed, he couldn't hide that he sought the comfort of a cigarette when he was troubled, and he could never lie to John. He just nodded, watching him carefully, making sure he drank more than a few mouthfuls.
"There, better?" He asked, as he reached out to caress the fiery red hair, that was sticking out in odd angles. "How do you feel now?"
“Feel like something crawled into my guts and died there.” he groaned. “Shouldn't have wanked off earlier.”
He laughed again, not knowing John had a flair for being dramatic, but grateful that he was so frank with him. "Feel strong enough to face the world yet? I can probably warm up some soup for you. I could bring it up here, if you want?" He said, hoping that John would want to stay in, he wasn't ready to share his current state with the rest of the family just yet.
“Bed….” he muttered. “You -” he poked Virgil in the chest. “- in it with me.” the bell around his neck jingled.
Virgil more than happy to comply. He gently guided John to the bed, then drew the curtains to block out the harshness of the sun. He figured John would appreciate the darkness better. He crawled into bed with him, seeking his embrace. He felt cold to the touch, since he had his back to the sun, he gladly shared the warmth of his own body. This was where he belonged, where home was, he breathed in the familiar scent of vanilla and chocolate. It felt good to just lay there and cuddle. They both needed it.
“Virgil?” John breathed out slowly.
"Hmmmm? Yeah?”
“I fantasised…. you were above me on the couch.” John nuzzled into Virgil’s chest, his hands knotting themselves in his t-shirt. “your hands… delicate and warm… like how you wax Thunderbird two… slowly, deliberately as if her body was like a secret lover.” he took a sharp breath that felt like something rattled in his rib cage, the bell making little noises as he swallowed. “I couldn't help it...I jerked off thinking about you….”
he closed his eyes so Virgil couldn't see his eyes begin to tear. he was feeling terribly sick and didn't deserve to have dreams like that.
“how can you find me worth loving, Virgil? you could have anyone you want, someone stronger, healthier….doesn't remind people of skeletor from ‘He man and the masters of the universe’?”
"why waste your time on me?"
Virgil couldn't believe his ears, was this what John honestly thought of himself? He rest his chin on the top of those fiery red curls, as his fingers lovingly caressed his face.
"What's there not to love? You may not see it, but there's a grace about you, that can't be contained. You're like a ray of light... the first drop of sun from the sky. You just make everything around me shine. You have a certain way about you, something delicate and precious. You're so so much... more than I can ever want or aspire to be..."
He smelled his hair, how can he think he was not worth loving? He held him a little tighter, hoping his body was conveying his love, where his words could not comfort him.
John shuddered as he breathed. “You're always far too kind, more than anyone deserves. Don't you ever let people take advantage of that.” he tried so hard to bury himself into Virgil's clothes that he would have suffocated himself in them. He didn't want Virgil to get up and leave like he did this morning, not now…
“I remember when you were six and you tried to help me feed Alan and put him to bed….and the tantrum he threw because he didn't want you to read him a story….you were so calm, so patient….” John was rambling, he knew it. Oh well.
“You always got into fights with Scott when it was bedtime, and used to make it impossible to go to sleep in my own bed as you'd jump on it with Gordon and hit each other with pillows.”
Virgil gently held John as he sobbed. He didn't think he had been any more patient, than John would have been with anyone of them in turn. He never dared think he would have thought so highly of him, he felt undeserving. He absentmindedly started drawing circles in the curves of his back, as he held him close. He closed his eyes, and swore to himself that John will never have to feel this way again. Hell, if meant taking a bullet for him, he would. God help the person who tried to hurt him.
"Shhhhh... it's ok, I'm here now" He hugged John tightly, and never wanted to let him go again. If this was wrong, he never wanted to be right.
Eventually the rambling became incomprehensible, John drifting off to sleep again, thinking about little brothers who he loved, watching them grow up to be brave, strong, independent…..
John rolled over and fell off the bed. he sat up startled, but was relieved he wasn't dizzy. head still hurt but it was clearly alot better and didn't feel like he was being sat on by an elephant. sure enough, the cold pancakes were still sitting there…. to hell with it, they were still edible….
Virgil slowly woke. John was at the bedside table, still naked and wearing that silly collared bell, and munching on cold pancakes. "Good morning" He stood and kissed the top of John's head. "You really shouldn't be eating those. You'd give yourself a stomach ache. At least let me go whip you up a fresh batch." He tried to take the plate away from him, but was met with resistance. He laughed, "Suit yourself, Starman." he said, as he stood up to brush his teeth. Talking about their childhood memories yesterday, had reminded him of John's old nickname.
John shrugged and kept eating. So what if he was a human garbage disposal? Food should never be wasted. He was doing up his shirt when Virgil came back, John deciding the collar was best to stay on or at least find something else in his bedroom on the way back down into the house to hide what lay under it. Now where did Virgil throw his boxers and his pants in his mad display of passion the other day….
Virgil's keen eye to detail, picked up immediately on what John was doing, what he was trying to hide. He had seen those cuts and scars, the deliberate bruises that John thought was hidden in the soft light.
He approached carefully, he had just got John to open up to him, he wasn't going to let those walls come crashing down between them again. "Hey?" He reached over gently to remove the collar. "You know you never have to hide around me, right? You remember who we were, right?"
He pulled back his right sleeve, where his watch always helped hide the tattoo he had never shown anyone. The word Iapyx was strike through, with another name Icarus replacing it. Jeff Tracy had been unintentionally cruel in giving those nicknames. Iapyx the lesser known Son of Daedalus, but who was later famous for being favoured by the God, Apollo. Icarus, the tragic story everyone knew, of the boy who disobeyed his Father, by flying too close to the sun. No guesses for which name referred to which son or why. Having the smallest age gap between them, meant that comparisons to each other was something they grew up with. Virgil always wondered how, growing up, his brother choose to love instead of hating him.
"We're carved from the same rock, you and I." His finger carefully touched the wound, as his eyes traveled over the lines drawn into his skin. "How long have you've doing this to yourself?" Each line and bruise, now reflected back in equal wounds on his heart.
“I don’t usually play so rough like you did.” John breathed out. “And yeah.. I bruise easy.. So what? I’m pale, it’s hard not to get a few just putting on my jeans.”
Virgil gently tilted John's face, forcing him to look him in the eye "It's me... You don't have to hide anything from me, least of all, ‘this’. The truth John... how long?"
John grabbed Virgil’s hands and pulled them away looking at him in disbelief. “I’m not hiding anything Virgil. I don’t spend anytime in the sun like you guys do so I’ve got a vitamin D problem and low blood pressure which is why I bruise when I’m a little rough or when anyone is with me. It just is... and if we’re going to go into intimate areas I am a bit of a masochist towards myself… so what? What’s the harm in enjoying a little bit of pain? No one else is going to be able to do both properly… inflict pleasure and pain at the same time… it’s hard.”
Virgil pulled John in a firm but gentle embrace, knowing that clearly he wasn't ready to talk about it, not yet anyway. "Promise me, this stops now. I'm right here, standing in your doorway. But I can't come in, if you won't let me. Don't push me away, 'cos I will always find a way to come back to you... to us. And I will always going to keep trying, till you're ready. I rather lived, knowing the kiss of sun of my skin, as Icarus did..." Only then did he let him go, hoping he got his message across. "Now, how about some proper breakfast?" He smiled as he kissed John softly on the lips.
John watched Virgil’s back and looked confused until he registered what might have happened in his mess of a head yesterday. He recalled Alan telling him once that when he came crashing down after being in space for so long he got really delirious and just started to ramble about… things. Alan didn’t quite elaborate but he was worried enough to ask John if he ever did anything of the sort when he had it. John knew Alan regressed into needing comfort like he was five again, needing to be soothed by songs and nursery rhymes till he snapped out of it.
OH HELL, did he do THAT infront of Virgil?
He raced to catch up to him and grabbed his arm before he started down the stairs to their bedrooms.
“Virgil, about yesterday…. You need to know something important.”
"Hmmm? Yeah?" He stopped, patiently waiting.
“It’s about how delirious I was yesterday. It’s not something that I see myself, but I’ve seen it in Alan enough to know mine is possibly far worse.”
Virgil smiled and held onto John's hand tightly. "We'd figure it out... together. One step at a time." As he kissed their still interlocked fingers. For as long as will ever John need him, he promised he'd chase out and banish those demons troubling him. "Breakfast?" He suggested again as he led them downstairs.
The jarring sounds of the main alarm rang throughout the house. The family had just barely finished breakfast. 'Every damn time...' Virgil thought, the only good thing was that he got to see John, joining the others in the main hall.
"Guys, we have a..."
"we know... a situation?" Virgil couldn't help teasing his lover, their secret rendezvous been becoming increasingly frequent.
John rolled his eyes, and smiled. "There's been a Signal 5 Typhoon in the Hong Kong port. The worst of the storm is already over, but we have reports of port workers being trapped in their machinery. Should be a straight forward enough rescue and recovery Mission."
"Right. Virgil, you and Gordon gear up, in case Thunderbird 4 is needed. I'd be right along." Scott automatically went into Field Commander mode.
Gordon pulls off a mock salute “Aye aye captain!” he gets frowns all around but it doesn't kill his enthusiasm. Gordon takes off to go suit up, leaving the other two to leave via their other exists. No fancy suit up for him, Gordon knows getting in and out a wet suit is far more difficult than a pair of work coveralls.
"Thunderbird 2, taking it slow today, are we?" Scott had started to relax a little, now that Thunderbird 1 was en route.
"Oh you know, the usual. Just waiting around for Fish Face to show up."
"Hey, I resent that remark!" Gordon said, as he flopped down in the co-pilot's chair
“Sending you all coordinates.” John’s hologram sparked into life on the console and then was replaced by the location they were supposed to rendezvous. “Three workers, two women and a man are trapped in a small fishing vessel underneath a smashed crane, one if them is trapped in the crane's cabin. Be careful, they were supposed to be loading zoo animals into a larger ship and they may have gotten loose from the container when the crane fell.”
Gordon gave Virgil a worried glance before asking, “What sort of animals we talking about here?”
There was a pause before John responded, clearly he was looking at information they couldn’t see about the cargo.
“A pair of male American Grizzly bears that were supposed to be bound for London zoo for a mating program. They're highly precious cargo.”
“precious? They're damn dangerous!” Gordon exclaimed.
"Right, so much for it being a straightforward Mission then. I'm closing in on Hong Kong airspace, and should be able to land soon. I'd work on setting up Mobile Control. What's your ETA Thunderbird 2?" Scott asked.
"Another 20-30 minutes tops." Virgil responded. "Hey Gordon, maybe you can put the bears to sleep, with your annoying jokes? I bet it'd work faster than our tranquilizer guns" Virgil teased.
Gordon folded his arms and pouted. “Har har you're such a comedian.” he said, voice dripping with sarcasm. “At least you and Scott are going to do the main rescuing. ...as usual. What am I supposed to do in all this? Run a circus?”
Virgil chuckled, "Oh, I dunno? Keep my beautiful lady running for me?" Despite the inconvenience of the loose animals, there was still a high chance they'd be done before midday. He wondered if he could somehow convince John to come down for a quickie? That's it, he had more reason to wrap this one up as soon as they could manage.
"Scott? Do you wanna start working on cutting through the crane, with your laser? I'd grab the Jaws, and start work from within the vessel. Gordon can help with their injuries, if they're hurt."
Gordon nodded. “let's hope the bears are not hanging around, they'd been spooked by the crash and the storm.”
Thunderbird two landed a few feet from the disaster zone, and while Virgil geared up, Gordon grabbed his carry-on medical kit and gave a weak smile to Virgil when he handed him a small tranquilizer gun.
“Let's hope I don't need it.” his worried smile betraying the seriousness in his voice.
Thunderbird one hovered above the crane, but the winds were too wild to keep it airborne. “Going to have to do this by hand. Going EVA, John.”
“FAB, Scott. Be careful on that wet beam in the winds.”
'Right... just a couple of cute, fluffy teddy bears right? Nothing to worry about.' Virgil thought to himself, as he descended to the decks below of the wrecked vessel, and immediately went to work clearing the debris of twisted metal.
He remained alert, knowing the noise would attract the bears attention if they had indeed been accidentally set loose in the chaos of the storm.
"Hey guys, how's it looking up top ?"
Scott had secured himself to the beam and was making his way along towards the cabin of the crane. “hoping my magnetic boots hold, Virgil… it's pretty bad up here, can barely see in all the rain.” Scott reported, trying not to slip and fall.
“all clear outside, coming in behind you.” Gordon reported, crawling into the space Virgil had cleared and shined a torch. “I'll go down that way towards the crew quarters, you check the front end Virgil since I can't get through there.”
Virgil worked as quickly as he dared to, the sooner they were done, the sooner they could go home.
That was when he saw the bear. He froze, not wanting to spook it. "Easy now..." he said and he relaxed his body, hoping so that the animal could see he meant no harm. He did a quick survey of his surroundings, and Lady Luck seemed to on his side, as he saw one of the cages still intact.
He moved towards the cage, and tried to lure the grizzly back into the cage. Judging from size of its paws, Virgil Guessed this should be the smaller female. "Hey girl, big storm huh? How about we get you back in your nice warm cage, huh?" He slowly backed to the cage, the bear seemed grumpy and annoyed, but seemed to want to seek out more familiar surroundings.
"That's it, girl.... This way... Just a little more." He didn't believe it, the bear just walked into her cage on her own accord! He quickly fastened a makeshift lock, from the nearby remains of the fallen ship structure. He sighed heavily, not noticing he had been holding his breath.
"Gordon? You almost done here? I got one bear secured."
Gordon had found the two crew, huddling in the crew quarters.
“It's ok, we're with International Rescue. We're here to get you out.”
There was an exchange between the man and the woman in mandarin. Gordon didn't have a clue what was being said, but that's where the uniform came in. IR was known world wide.
“That's right, we're going to get you out of here.”
Virgil's voice came over and Gordon responded.
“located the two crew, they seem unhurt...what was that?” he looked around. The two crew had fled.
“shit! Can't people stay still for one-”
Gordon was swatted by a huge paw bigger than his head and hit the hull of the ship, the tranquilizer gun skittering away out of reach as the boat rolled on the rough waves.
Scott had made it to the crane operator and hard started to cut away when the metal creaked and shifted in the wind, throwing him off the side. Thank hell he had secured a guide rope. The wind blew him into the crane structure twice and he made a grab for it after the first blow had taken him by surprise, forcing him to drop his laser cutter. Fucking hell, this was going to be a long climb back up. He gripped himself in tight and started to head back to the driver's cabin.
Virgil heard the commotion over Gordon's open comms and ran towards the crew quarters.
He saw the much bigger bear, advancing aggressively towards Gordon's slumped over form.
"Hey!" He shouted, "Over here, you big hairy dumb animal! " He wasn't sure what he planned to do, now that he had it's attention. He just knew he had to get it away from Gordon.
He barely had time to aim the almost forgotten tranquilizer gun at the bear, hoping he had managed to get a shot in, as the animal lunged at him with full force. He crashed into a wall, something snapped in his rib cage, as he cried out in pain.
Snap out of it! He shakily climbed to his feet, as he grabbed a nearby pipe and threw it at the bear's head. It turned towards Virgil, teeth and claws bared. Virgil raised his left hand to protect himself, as the Impact threw them both backwards. The bear's teeth clamped down hard on the clamp arm if his suit, and though his real arm was protected and it help take most of the blow, it still drew blood as metal twisted out of place and dug into flesh.
Gordon stirred, getting to his feet, alarmed to see Virgil wrestling with the behemoth of a bear. "Virgil!"
"Just go! Run Gordon! Run!" He aimed the tranquilizer gun and fired another shot directly at the animal's thick skull.
The bear was more enraged taking another swipe at Virgil, knocking both him and his heavy gear to the ship's hull and pinning him, jaws only held back by the metal from Virgil's arms blocking them from being mauled.
Ignoring all the screaming pain he was in, Gordon grabbed a nearby rope and lunged at the bear from behind in an attempt to get a noose around it. The rope got caught in its jaws and as Gordon pulled more than just the creature's head turned, sharp claws swatting him in the left hand side, digging as they slashed through his wetsuit, throwing him down again. The rope was tangled around his wrist and when the bear moved to bellow and cry out a mighty roar and bare it's teeth, Gordon was dragged across the cabin until the bear's paws thumped down, narrowly missing his chest. The jaws dripped drool onto him, Gordon bracing himself to have his face torn clean off.
Scott reached the woman in the crane, and wrestled with the door. In the end he threw his fist through the glass to open it and the woman almost fell right out several feet below, Scott letting go of the crane to catch her. Only problem now was the fact they were now suspended high above the ground, at the mercy of the storm.
“Virgil, Gordon, come in! I need you help!”
Virgil gritted his teeth, "Kinda busy here, Scott. 'fraid you're on your own" he ran to grab Gordon's tranquilizer gun, having Long emptied his own. 'Is this a bear, or a freaking elephant?' He thought as he threw himself on the grizzly's back, pulling with all his strength, so that it veered away from Gordon.
He pumped all the remaining shots into the base of the animal's neck fiercely. 'Just stay down!' He begged. Finally all the accumulated drugs seemed to be working, as the bear swayed drunkenly and finally came to rest, pinning Virgil to the floor.
Virgil gasped painfully, the full weight of the animal resting heavily on his broken ribs. He couldn't breathe! He panicked, trying to find the strength to move. He could feel himself starting to black out, as he struggled, mustering all the fight he had left in him…
Gordon staggered up onto his feet and tried pushing the bear off his brother, but with his injuries the animal barely budged.
“Argh! Fuck!” he swore aloud, realising he had lost too much blood to be any use. He kept trying though, only getting a paw to shift off Virgil's face, but the rest of the creature was crushing him.
“No no no NO!” he screamed in desperation. “Don't you fucking dare pass out Virgil! You're wearing a fucking mech suit for Christ's sake! You can push it off! Come on you bastard!”
Scott swore when Virgil replied. He was now stuck hanging around, inches from certain death. Its wasn't easy to think of a way out of the situation when he was being blown back into the steel frame of the crane, his arms wrapped around his rescue victim protecting them from every violent bashing the winds gave him against the steel. If he didn't get help soon he was going to drop the driver and lose consciousness.
Then he heard it… the distinct sound of rocket engines.
Against the black skies, the red of Thunderbird three gleamed like a beacon of hope. Unlike Thunderbirds one and two, three had the power to stay stationary in the middle of a cyclone from its vertical thrust engines alone.
“Sorry we're late to the party! Need a hand?” Alan's cheery voice chimed over the com. “Kayo’s going to drop from the cargo bay to you and haul you up!”
“But how? I thought-”
“we were doing a supply run? Yeah we did to. Be thankful john listens to EVERYTHING.”
Virgil heard the desperation in Gordon's voice. "Arghhhhh!" He digged deep and strained for one final push. In his weakened state, he could only manage to push his upper body from under the beast, his legs still pinned under it.
But it was enough. He gasped painful breaths of air, as hard and as fast as his broken ribs would allow.
He looked over at Gordon. He needed to get to him, his brother needed his help. But he couldn't reach him! He stretched his good arm towards him, and could only watch as Gordon laid there bleeding.
"John... John, help... please..." he cried, "I... I can't reach him. Gordon needs help... he... " He fell backwards, unconscious before his head hit the floor.
“hold tight Virgil, reinforcements are already there!” John's voice replied on the com. “just a little longer… come on Alan, Kayo….”
Up on Thunderbird five miles above the earth, John thumped the side of the communication hub until EOS chirped in and asked what he was doing. He ignored the questioning AI and tried to get a hold of Thunderbird three. “Alan, have to got to Scott?”
“Target secure! Scott's taken a beating and his charge is luckily unharmed, all three of us are going in to get Virgil and Gordon and their casualties.”
“Tell Scott and Kayo that they’re now casualties requiring full medical attention and that Scott will gave to pilot two back to base and Kayo can take his bird.”
“FAB. John?”
John took a deep breath, mindful of Alan's worried voice. “Their life signs are still registering. I can't tell you much else from here.”
“FAB.”
John couldn't bring himself to tell the youngest that one of the signals - namely Gordon's - was failing. He heard everything, from Scott's screams as he was tossed around like a rag doll, to Virgil's shouting, swearing and cries ..to Gordon's yelps of pain.
There were days he hated his job, so disjointed and far away from anyone to lift a finger. If they knew all the stuff he heard through the coms, chances are there'd be a suicide from all the nightmares they were left with.
Ok sure, it wasn't a picnic being in the thick of it all.. but John's imagination was pretty graphic and always thought the worst possible scenario even if everything was fine…. No one told him the outcome… not until they were having nightmares themselves, only telling him the scary bits.
John wandered into his tiny little cabin and pounded the walls in private till his knuckles were bleeding through the fabric of his suit.
The soft beeps of the heart monitor chirped softly, calling Virgil back. 'Wha?' He frowned, his whole body sore. Even with the oxygen mask on his face, he struggled to breathe, feeling like someone was sitting on his chest. He tried harder and opened his eyes, taking in the dim surroundings of Tracy Island's infirmary. How did he get here? Who flew them home? Were the crew safe? Gordon! The image of Gordon bleeding out in front of him, flashed before his eyes. He sat up way too fast, as he was crippled with the searing pain in his ribs. He fell back, expecting to feel more pain as he connected to the bed. Where he was caught by a pair of strong, lean hands.
“Easy there, Brother bear.” John leaned him back gently. “If squiddy ain’t leaving then neither are you.” he stood up, walked around the end of the bed allowing Virgil to see Gordon reading a comic book with the bed tilted up for him. The bed was tilted up for Virgil too and John then busied himself over by a table across from both beds with getting Virgil something to eat.
“You look like something died.” Gordon joked.
"G...Gordon? You ok?" Virgil asked, half convinced he must still be sleeping. Yet there he was, very much alive and smiling back at him. "Is it still Tuesday?" He asked no one in particular, confused. He was usually the one who tended to his brothers' injuries, and he wasn't accustomed to being the patient. He looked down, only just noticing the bandages across his chest, the loosely buttoned shirt, and a heavily wrapped left arm. "There was a bear?" He looked to John this time. "What happened to the bear? I... I didn't kill it, did I?" His voice suddenly quiet and sad.
“Safe in a Zoo hopefully.” John said quietly as he walked over with a tray of hot apple pie. He gave Virgil a kiss on the cheek and then gave Gordon one.
“Hey, How come Virgil gets a kiss! Aren't I your brother too?” Gordon protested. John rolled his eyes and kissed him on the forehead, Gordon grinning like a little child.
“I can ask Alan about the bear if you like, he’s manning the station for me. I told him to refer anything really serious my way otherwise ask the GDF or local authorities first. Anything he can’t handle I’ll take off his hands too. Right now we’re three people down and Kayo needs all the help I can give her.” John smiled. “I can’t fly Thunderbird one or two, but I can three and four… I just don’t have your extra experience.”
"Could you check on them for me?" He asked, he needed to know he didn't kill the male bear, that much tranquilizer could do just that. The bear wasn't at fault, it was reacting to circumstances beyond its control. He hoped it was ok. John walked over, and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. That's right... John's here, nothing else matters, he finally started to relaxed, as he continued to hold onto John's hand, seemingly for the strength he didn't have physically.
John sighed, there was a gentle ringing from his jeans pocket. That would be Scott.
He patted Virgil on the head. “I’ll be back, you two are ok for the moment? I have to tend to our ‘Fearless leader.’ Probably to sit there and listen to him bitch about Grandma grounding him until his bruises heal. I don’t know why he needs me to sit there while he rants away to himself.” and with that he left the room.
"Hey Gords? You're really ok?" Virgil asked again, still haunted by the memory of his younger brother lying in a pool of his own blood. He wished he could reach over, and touch him, if only to reassure himself that Gordon wasn't dead. "Promise me? Promise that if there's a next time, when I ask you run, you fucking hell run" clenching the blanket in tight fists, shaking. You almost died... he couldn't say it out loud. He was still scared. Frightened of losing yet another family member, another piece of his soul.
Gordon shifted in the bed. “And do what exactly? Leave you to become that animal’s dinner? Neither of us a hero's we were there to do a job. If we can prevent each other from dying while doing it then that’s what we’re supposed to do right?” Gordon got defensive. “You're as bad as Grandma. She gave me a dressing down too and I’m sure as hell expect her to give you one too.”
He relaxed and looked a little sad. “It’s been a long time since John looked after any of us….Even then it seemed like he was more worried about you than anyone else.” he hugged his knees. Gordon, like Alan used to be really close to John but for some reason he didn’t understand they weren't anymore. Sure he had Virgil always looking out for him but it wasn’t the same… someone had to look out for him too and John did that for EVERYBODY.
“I’m not sorry for what I did and you can’t make me feel guilty or shit about it ok? That bear could have killed you.”
Better me than you... he thought. He decided to let the topic drop, this time, the Tracy stubbornness in both of them refusing to budge an inch. His eyes felt heavy, the conversation had taken a lot more from him than he realized. He tried to fight it, knowing that John would need to talk about it too. He would have gone crazy, if the tables were turned. He didn't know how John did it. He had a newfound respect and love for his strong, silent partner. And then, there was that other voice inside, the one telling him to come clean to Gordon about him and John. No, not yet... maybe not ever. He thought selfishly. What he had with John was special, and he didn't need anyone's validation or approval. He'd fight tooth and nail, before anyone could make him give up John. It was then his body urged him to stopped fighting, and commanded him to rest. He went into its dark embrace, certain that the only light and warmth he saw there was John.
After sitting there listening to Scott complain about being made to feel useless stuck in his own bed John needed a timeout. He knew he’d have to go back down and check on both Gordon and Virgil and he could barely do it.
They need to be looked after, he kept reminding himself. That’s all you can do… that’s all you damn did do, because you can’t do anything else in you life can you? You only step in and clean up the mess… you don’t deserve to be an agent of International Rescue.
John leaned on the wall in the hallway and ran his hands through his hair. The first 48 hours were the worst after a disastrous rescue like this he knew and luckily it had only been 24 or so and all three of his injured siblings were awake.
But that was how it was for everyone else… for John he knew he’d be dealing with this weeks, maybe months later when his brother’s started reliving it in their dreams and sometimes, waking moments.
So what if Scott felt helpless stuck in bed? Virgil and Gordon are most likely thinking the same thing, wanting to hurry up and get better for the next emergency. They didn’t really want to be in bed either if given the option… ok Gordon might, but asleep… and that wasn’t the same thing because he was still a lazy teenager.
John walked into the bathroom, locked the door and stripped off, feeling dirty even though he had about four or so of them today. He needed to wash this feeling away…. Like he always did when he felt completely and utterly like a nonexistent entity that SHOULD be able to do SOMETHING but CAN’T.
He felt like a ghost sometimes, just always watching his brothers get hurt and then recovering to get hurt again…. And he couldn’t be there to stop any of it. Would it make a difference if he could? Maybe not but ANYTHING was better than feeling like this rescue after rescue.
This is why he chose to be alone…. He couldn’t handle this much more.
He scrubbed his skin so violently he was in danger of tearing it off in chunks. He kept thinking of each of their injuries, scars they’re all going to live with….
He scratched HARDER.
The other day where he was fantasizing of Virgil fucking him, covered in blood, sweat and dirt made him realise he was a sick bastard and didn’t deserve Virgil AT ALL.
Blood dripped on the bottom of the shower and mixed with the water going down the drain…. And he STILL SCRATCHED.
Virgil who felt so sorry from bruising him, let him show him how he liked to make love to someone… Virgil, whom fucking used metaphorical kisses to show how devoted he was to being in love with HIM.
He didn’t deserve Virgil AT ALL.
He slammed his fist into the shower glass a few times and broke down in tears. Blood streaming from deep open scratches all across his body, down his arms and legs….
He couldn’t keep doing this. Someone was going to get hurt…. And it was going to be Virgil.
He slid down and sat at the bottom of the shower and started singing in between sobs… he couldn’t stop it.. It was that or start cutting into himself with the shaver in the bathroom. The words for ‘Narcolepsy’ filled the entire bathroom until he was good and ready to get out from under the cold water- mostly once he stopped bleeding- put back on his clothes, took a deep breath and headed back down to the med bay to be the steady rock they all thought he was… what he needed to be.
Be strong, little one, be strong as there’s no one to catch you when you fall.
He walked into the infirmary and Virgil was asleep while Gordon was looking pretty dejected. Well, if he couldn’t talk to Virgil, he could at least read Gordon a book and get him to fall asleep too…. Then maybe he can go and have another shower.
Thankfully most of the time they waited for the main ninety percent of IR to recover it was decidedly quiet. John checked in with Alan every few hours, made notes for Scott who demanded to still be informed about the ins and out of everything and John started to slowly retake his shift off Alan’s hands, much to Alan’s relief and sanity.. The poor kid had never seen so much work piled on anyone before and he made a silent promise to never imply John did nothing onboard Thunderbird five ever again. Scott was now walking around but both Gordon and Virgil were still bedroom bound, but at least in their own rooms now so John could give Virgil a bit more extra attention.
“So happy to no longer be sharing a room with Squiddy?” John asked cheerfully. It had taken a little bit of time, but the traces of the break down he had were now gone and he was feeling normal again.. At least until the next rescue came. Then who knew what spanner would be chucked into the works?
Virgil put the book he was reading down. "More than you know. If I had to endure one more annoying jokes from him, I'd jump out of the infirmary window myself.
He was grateful that John had seeked him out. He noticed John was starting to look more like his usual self, the haunted look in his eyes had retreated. But he was still worried about him, fearing that he wasn't able to be there for John, when he was needed.
It was impossible to have a decent conversation of any kind with anybody, not with Gordon in the same room. Which was why he was Glad they were having this conversation in the privacy of his room.
"Come here. I missed you." He needed to seek the comfort of John's touch right now.
John gave him a standard ‘big brother loves you’ hug. Baby steps, he thought to himself. He only just started finding reasons not to let Virgil go again… he loved him but didn't want him hurt by him, the one who didn't deserve him.
“I've missed you too Virgil.” that was true, he had.. in more ways than one. Having a general adult conversation that didn't revolve around work or sibling stupidity was rather rare.
"Is something wrong?" Something about John felt... off.
John rubbed his neck. “A little. Are you able to come for a short walk down the hall a few minutes?”
"Of course. I need the fresh air anyway. Let's go" He stood up from the bed slowly, and reached for John's hand. Virgil's ribs giving them the perfect cover, to for once, express their love freely and openly.
John helped Virgil up with care, slung and arm around him for support and once outside the bedroom, walked with him towards Alan's bedroom which was just before the stairs leading to the round house.
He stopped at the door and said quietly and seriously, “No matter what you see in here, don't wake him up ok? I've only just gotten him to sleep.”
He opened the door to reveal Alan, tossing and turning violently on the bed in his sleep, wearing only his boxers, muttering and occasionally calling out John's and Gordon's names - as they were usually the brothers he hung around the most. It was confronting but John had to, otherwise he couldn't talk about what was bothering him.
Virgil's heart ached for both Alan and John, that their dreams were plagued like this. His mind flashed him back to the first night of his Grand Confession, they had jokingly called it since.
How after a seemingly magical second try at making love, John had been reduced to a messy incoherent mess of tears. He silently cursed his missing Father, for thrusting them all into this mess of a so called life. He motioned for them to head outside, having seen enough, telling himself to ease up on Alan in future.
John closed the door and rested on it a minute before asking what he needed to know.
“Virgil, the other day… I need you to tell me everything. Every single thing I may have said, no matter how horrible it maybe.”
He straightened up to his full height, something he rarely did these days. “You're not the first to ask me if there's other stuff going on. Scott, Kayo, Brains, Gordon...even Alan asked me if he was as bad as I was when it happened….but the thing is, no one will tell me what I'm like when I'm like that…”
He grabbed onto Virgil's shoulders and squeezed, his face a mix of frustration at himself and confusion, as well as dead serious.
“How can I tell people what's wrong with me when I have no idea what I've said or done to make you all so worried? Hell Alan seemed terrified that he was as bad as I was…. That makes me scared Virgil, really scared. I keep alot of secrets for a reason, mostly to protect you guys...last thing I want to do is say shit I don't recall that might harm or seriously hurt someone…..like you. I'm ….I'm worried that one day I will say something I can't take back and loose you, loose everything.”
He sighed, wrinkling his nose disgusted in himself.
“Right now...you're one of the few things I've got that keeps me going. Having you has been helping me deal with Scott’s obsessive over bearings, with Kayo’s panic attacks, with Gordon's break downs and...this with Alan. I’ve tried talking to Brains and Grandma but I'm not getting anywhere. Last resort might be me killing myself and thankfully I’m too stubborn to give up like that. But it's hard….really hard.”
He looked into Virgil's warm and caring brown eyes, knowing he had no reason to expect any kindness, but his tired eyes were done feeling older than twenty two….they swore they were forty seven or something like it.
"My entire job with International Rescue and being your brother involves me being able to deal with this everyday. When I can’t...can't deal with it myself, how do I expect to be able to do it for others? If that's the case, what's the point of me?"
Virgil thought back, remembering it clearly, cos it had worried him how badly John had suddenly reacted.
"You said you remembered how when we were kids, and I tried helping you put Alan to bed, and the tantrum he threw after cos he didn't want me to read him a story... that I was calm and patient about it."
"That was when you started rambling... about me always getting trouble with Scott at bedtime, something about making impossible for you to sleep in your own bed as Gordon and I would jump on and start hitting each other with pillows."
"Then after I got up to brush my teeth, I came out to find you clamoring for your clothes…” he hesitated.“That’s when I really started to notice." he choked, but knew that John deserved to hear the truth. It was time to face those demons together
"All the cuts and bruises….all over your body. That was when I first suspected you were hurting yourself, why I had confronted you about it. There's no way cuts and bruises like that look deliberate with a reason...."
"What aren't you telling me, John?" he pleaded.
“Wait, not here.” John put his arm around him and walked him back to the privacy of his own bedroom and sat Virgil back down on his bed. John closed the door and when he turned he had to take a deep breath, Virgil was without any doubt obsessed with him. The room was full of paintings and photos. Later john will need to have a chat with him about it as if they continued having a relationship after this someone was going to find out just from his bedroom alone.
“I didn't lie about the bruises the other day Virgil. When you were in the infirmary Brains pulled me aside for a few blood tests and things as I showed him the one around my neck...he thinks it's from a tie by the way, don't tell him otherwise. I have acute anemia and because I'm so pale when pressure is applied too hard to my skin it shows. Hopefully with the stuff he's been jabbing into me it stops being so bad.”
John rolled his long sleeve up on his right arm and revealed a collection of bruises and needle marks long it. “low blood pressure makes it hard to take anything so I'm a giant pin cushion right now. You can inspect Alan and Gordon too, Brains is doing the same to them, trying to work out why we're getting so ill after missions.”
He rolled it back down and sighed. “the cuts are from my fingernails. When you guys had been hurt in the mission…..” John took a deep breath and sat next to Virgil, staring at his hands like they were dangerous tools. They were to him, his long fingernails were pretty sharp weapons for dealing pain.
“Every mission where you or someone gets hurt, I get so angry with myself, frustrated that I fucking can't do jack shit to run to your aid because I'm thousands of fucking miles above the planet doing absolutely fuck all!” his fists balled, showing how much it enraged him that he was useless to anybody in his position.
“I spend every waking hour for a few days to a week or so in and out of cold showers constantly through the day, scrubbing, scratching -fuck, I'm clawing at myself till I bleed, swearing at myself for being a useless piece of shit trying to wash the stench of being a failure as a human being.” Virgil could see John fidgeting with his hands trying to scratch through his shirt sleeve, so he gently took John's hands and held them against his lap. The gesture was enough to stop the jitters and seemed to calm him down, something words wouldn't have done.
“It's like I'm going through the motions every time, I torture myself because I feel like I'm only making you all better to send you off again, over and over like a never ending cycle...as if you're just game pieces and not people… people I love and care about. I feel disjointed and disconnected from not just you, but from reality.”
“I also meant what I said about liking pleasure with a hint of pain… I'm happy I'm a sexual deviant in that way, but when I think about one of my twisted little fantasies I realise that I don't deserve such a caring and innocent person like you.”
Virgil held John's hands, and turned them over, as he inspected the random cuts and bruises slowly.
The image of John scrubbing his skin raw in the shower, hurt. He wanted nothing more, than to scoop John up carefully, wrapping him up in soft layers of delicate fabric, and put him in the front breast pocket of his shirt. Hopefully, by keeping him close to his heart, he could guard over him and prevent such things from ever happening again, with the his rhythm of his beating heart to remind him that from this moment on, he no longer needed to face his demons alone.
"Why didn't you tell me all this, back then?"
“Because I didn't know what you already knew. Last thing I want is to hurt you with what I've been doing to myself.”
"I meant what I said back then, every word. Promise me, that this stops now." He said softly, his heart now aching with the same wounds, that he was tracing with his fingers.
"You come to me, I don't care when, where and how... and we fix this together. When you do things like this, you don't just hurt yourself physically, you wound me deep... in here." He motioned to his heart.
"Promise me, John.”
John sighed. He knew there was no simple answer to this problem and he couldn't fully prevent himself doing this...it was now a habit that will take a very long time to break…. The more they got hurt the more he will keep doing it. He couldn’t just quit on his brother's either, they needed him to back them up, to pick up the pieces when they got broken.
It was a promise he couldn’t keep. He'd damn try, but he knew he'd disappoint him.
He kissed Virgil on the forehead, and headed for the door.
“I can't and you know that. I'm sorry.”
He left Virgil sitting there, and couldn't look back. He knew he just broke his heart, but what else could he do? Lie to his face and pretend everything was getting better when it probably was never going to be? That would hurt far more than walking away right now.
Virgil's shoulders sagged, he couldn't help feel slightly defeated. He'd chase after John relentlessly if he had to, but for now, he let him go. Hoping the earnest of his request would slowly sink in.
He wished he could make John see how beautiful and precious he was to him, how his cracks and flaws shone brighter than the constellations he loved. How it made him human and obtainable, instead of a star that now seemed to be spinning further from his reach.
He told himself, he'd help him see that. He wanted him, not just for the good times, he wanted the bad, the ugly, the darkness that threatened to consume them if they weren't careful. He wanted it all.
He drew his knees to his chest, ignoring the pain in his ribs, needing to feel some of the physical pain John put himself through. He tried to hold back the tears, but his shoulders shook uncontrollably, as he gave in to the waves that engulfed him.
Even in Virgil's dreams, John haunted him. In endless fields of lavender, he chased after him, calling his name. But he walked on.
He ran towards him, willing for him to stop. The fear that he will lose him forever, if he didn't hurry, made him run harder to close the distance between them.
He reached out blindly, at last his fingers found him, and he grasped tightly with everything in him.
"Don't... don't push me away... Not now, not when I'm this close." He begged, as he melted into the curves of John's body that was made to fit his own so perfectly.
The fear inside of losing something so precious, burned in him. Afraid that John's own spark will start burning this bridge between them.
Virgil pulled him in for a kiss, determined to show him that he alone was enough to care for them both. He poured everything he had into that kiss. He peeled back John's clothing, those scars stood out in red lines, dancing all across his body.
He went over every single angry red line, with his soft, deliberate kisses, slowly stitching his John back together.
If John felt like he need to burn, then he decided he will be the very air he needed to feed those flames.
John moved, suddenly holding on too tight, the pain sending lightning searing through him. Eyes all dark and stormy, at the hurt he caused him.
He pulled and guided him back gently, showing him that it needn't always be perfect.
Their bodies danced together, falling into sync, anticipating each other's movements perfectly, exchanging lengthy conversations that didn't need words.
"Take my heart... all of it..." he begged, as he tasted those honeyed lips.
So, John did. Filling him full of love, that could only be shown and felt…
Virgil woke with a smile on his face, last night's dream was something else.
He needed to let John have that same reassurance in the dream, even in times where he couldn't always be by his side to show him.
He had an idea. He pulled sheets of colored paper from his desk, and started scribbling in his neat cursive writing.
When he was done, he labeled the jar "For the bad days", and rolled the pieces of colored paper, carefully tied up in string and placed them inside.
He left the jar on the inside of John's door softly, with a note.
'John, next time you're having a bad day, I want you to pick a note and read it. I choose my favorite memories of us, quotes (mostly of inside jokes), drawings and poems you inspired me to write.
Let it slowly fill you up, the way you fill my life with good. Remember that, we can only truly appreciate the good, after experiencing the lows.
Forever yours, V~"
Virgil hoped he managed to bottle a little bit of the sunshine, that John brought to his life. The way he smiled, how it muted everything else, and gave him inspiration to always try.
He only hoped John would be patient enough, not to read all the notes in one sitting.
When John decided he was strong enough to try and stop scratching out his pain onto his body, he will be here, ready to catch him.
John didn't go straight to his room after his confession, if he did he knew he wouldn't have lasted the night.
He had gone into Gordon's room across the hallway simply because he saw the bedroom light on. He knew Gordon had been wanting him to talk too however unlike Virgil he knew Gordon was happy to keep things simple and that was what he needed after opening every wound minutes before.
“Hey Gordon, how you feeling?”
Gordon looked up and had his usual welcoming grin on his face. “Hey yourself, Johnny. What are you still doing up?”
“I could ask you the same thing.” he'll ignore the fact he called him ‘Johnny’ just this once.
“I can't sleep. Keep thinking of how mad Virgil was with me about not listening to him.” his smile weakened a little, a reminder that he was still only a teenager and not quite in his twenties. Little things mattered when you're a teenager, even if they were things that seemed trivial to everyone else. “The bear would have killed him if I did. I don't think I could live knowing I did what I was told and he died.”
John sat on the side of his mattress and gave Gordon a hug, tears streaming down his little brother's face.
“Virgil's always so nice, looking out for me like that all the time and it would be shitty of me if I didn't do the same.”
John rubbed his shoulders until Gordon felt reasonably ok to let him go, his face streaked with tears but they had stopped for now.
“Too nice sometimes.” John found himself saying, unaware that he had been thinking it and had it resting on his lips.
“You could say that again. You're both peas in that same pod.” Gordon's smile seemed to return to its full strength again and John couldn't help himself. It was infectious.
“Can… can I come in?”
Both looked up and saw Alan still only in his underwear, shivering in the doorway. Gordon patted his bed and John held out his arms so Alan fell right into them in between them after he shut the door behind him. He had also had a really horrible night and it was clear from his body language he needed some serious comfort to remind him the world wasn't out to get him. Both John and Gordon were happy to oblige, Gordon wrapping his blanket around his shoulders too so he stayed warm. The three of them huddled together, something they haven't done since dad vanished.
John kept thinking about Virgil too while trying to be there for his brothers and began to sing, slowly sending both younger brothers to sleep lulled by his voice, warm and gentle as if they were little once more.
It was early morning before he headed across to his own bedroom to finally get sleep of his own, when he noticed a jar with paper in it. He smiled helplessly at its label and at the note stuck to it. He thought about his brothers, all of them and how much he needed them as they needed him.
John had been singing into the early hours of the morning, making sure the two youngest felt safe and secure...at least for one night.
He had enough energy for one more.
In his room he turned in the computer and started to record.
“I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest.”
He burned it to holodisk without any music attached and still in the mood of bearing his soul - naked and exposed - he printed out a novel he had been working on, something no one knew he did when things got quiet was write…lots and lots of writing, stapled it and walked back to Virgil's room which was now empty and placed both things on Virgil's pillow. He hoped Virgil forgave him for the working title of his writings ‘The man who sold the world’ but so far he had not found an accurate description of something he felt so personally invested in. His entirety of emotions, thoughts fantasies were all in that story, played out by fictional characters…..hopefully Virgil picked up on the fact it was more than a story.
He went back to his own room and collapsed in a heap on the bed. So what if he slept most of today? This time it was for a good reason, showing his brothers how much he loved them, all as individuals, all in different ways… hopefully Virgil whom he felt slightly different about than normal brotherly affection, but on level of passion and desire understood that he cared so much for them.
John stirred. He was having another one of those dreams again…
It was the one where he was in the change rooms, about to strip out of his grungy uniform only to bed stopped by a pair of hands around his waist, moving up to his chest, peeling him out of his clothes. John couldn't think of why in the dream he never wore his shirt or boxers under his uniform…. He had to so he stayed warm in space, no matter.
Those hand moved with purpose all over his naked body then pinned him to the lockers while he was forcefully entered, his head being pulled roughly back by his hair and mauled by desperate and demanding kisses.
He didn't dare say no, because he knew that he needed this and John had told him to use him whenever he required it. His body belonged to him.
He'd look up and see the reflection of their violent, passionate love in the glass of the showers….Virgil strong and in control, his own uniform striped below the waist, his muscles and the hair along his chest and arms glistening with sweat from coming straight home from a daring rescue. Blood that was smeared across his skin that was his own, small abrasions created while in the line of duty and smearing some of it on John as if to say, ‘Your mine.’
Fire burned in those eyes, possessive and hungry.
John was loving every minute of it.
It wouldn't stop there, John getting the chance to reciprocate in kind, running fingers through his dark messy hair, licking the sweat off his skin and nibbling along faint tanlines…. Playing with his nipples and his belly button and then John not just breathing in his strong sexual musk, but tasting it, his mouth making love to his erection until he spilled out from his mouth and down his neck.
John would then get to repay him lovingly while Virgil was on his back, still massaging him, making him feel more than a million dollars by exploring his legs, his feet before he lifted them around his waist to give Virgil as good as he gave, kissing him madly all over as if he was delirious from fever and Virgil was made of salty ice pops. Virgil would be as bad, both of them in a very physical wrestle for sexual dominance until -
That's when John woke up, a large sticky mess all through his jeans and all over the bed sheets and pillows. He was a little too active in his sleep, never realising he could orgasm so much over one person in his life. He got up, changed and stripped his bed and headed downstairs to the laundry to wash away the sinful evidence of his lust for his sibling.
Thank fuck they were all outside by the pool eating stuff cooked in the barbecue.
Virgil picked up the holo disk and stack of paper. He settled down on his bed, the cup of coffee in his hand forgotten.
He flew through the novel, while looping the track on the holo disc on his headphones. The story was magically tragic, and oh so beautiful. He lightly stroked the cover of John's novel, feeling privileged that he had chose to share such a personal piece of himself. He hugged the papers to his chest, feeling so lucky to have been allowed new access to his world.
He always knew John was special, but this? This was something else. He felt like he had given him a piece of himself. It was incredible how that piece of him fitted him so perfectly, like it was the missing puzzle that he didn't know he was lacking.
He needed to go to him, if only to thank him for this precious gift.
He lingered just outside John's door, a moment's hesitation reminded him of the hurt of yesterday, when he didn't want to try, and had walked away. He leaned his forehead on the door, praying silently for strength, before pushing the door open.
He was in his boxers , tangled in the sheets. He looked like he just collapsed back on the bed, not quite ready to face the world.
He climbed in, snuggling him closely. He melted into him, drinking in the comfort the contact of their skin gave him.
John stirred, his emerald gaze on Virgil sent butterflies in his stomach, "Good morning, love" as he snuggled his face into the curve of his neck.
John's face frowned as he could see the clock on the wall behind Virgil. “It's two thirty in the afternoon.”
Virgil laughed, "Morning, afternoon? Does it even matter? Time has no relevance, when I'm with you"
His head on John's chest, his heartbeat giving him the kind of comfort, that he didn't find anywhere else.
"I got your story and the song... Thank you, I loved it"
John smiled softly. “ I got your jar of good vibes, so thank you too.” he seemed to be thinking about something.
“Virgil, about last night, when I said I couldn’t make that promise… I have a better compromise.”
Virgil listened, he'd do anything as long John was willing to try.
“I will do my best to tell you everything, but if it ever begins to hurt you in anyway I will stop. I can't guarantee that I won't relapse but I'd damn try anything if it makes you still love me.” he ran his fingers across Virgil’s cheek and rested them on the jaw. “I can deal with alot of things but it's the missions that go bad that trigger most of it. If you got hurt I don't think I could ride it out without it happening at least once. As for the space sickness I'm going to ask Scott for shorter shifts to see if it helps, but I can't make a promise on something I can't prevent or have a clue what's happening to me. I am asking this because if I promise you that everything will be fine from here out and something really bad happens….. I don't think I could face you again knowing that the promise was broken.”
Virgil nodded, grateful that John was willing to at least try. "Thank you. I know it's going to be difficult, for both of us. But we'd get through this, together."
"And don't worry about hurting me, you won't."
He pulled him in for a kiss, pouring his messages of gratitude and love into it, where words weren't enough.
John breathed out harshly the moment his lips were free. “I'm not joking around when I say it Virgil. I can't afford to lose the only thing good in my life, in this entire universe over this.”
he kissed Virgil again, as if he was the only person who could give him the oxygen to live. John was eager to let Virgil know his body was all his to do as he pleased and after those wet dreams in the morning it was impossible to hide his own physical desires under his emotional ones. he ran his fingers through Virgil's hair playfully freeing the strands from the confines of the hair gel, nuzzled his neck so he could have permission to shower it with kisses and listen to his little moans of happiness. Fuck, if John was made to beg, crying out Virgil’s name over and over until his voice was sore, not giving a shit who heard it, he could deal with the ramifications of having Virgil completely fuck his brains out later.
God, what was this magic that John had over him? Virgil thought, as his body burned like it was fire for him. He didn't want anything between them in this moment, not the clothes he was wearing, these damn bandages, not even the sheets beneath them.
He wanted to crawl under John's skin, and live there permanently. He rained his kisses all over his body, trailing his tongue everywhere. Sending healing through the wounds, like the red cracks that were there on his body in the dream.
He was determined to keep John from harming himself again, he had to understand his body wasn't his alone anymore. He belonged to him now. He will spend the rest of his life, steering him away from that storm if he had to. He will carry them through this, he had enough love for them both.
He will slowly show him that he no longer needed to keep crying salt into his open wounds. He's been carrying the weight of the whole team, this family, on his shoulders for too Long.
He connected each of the blacks and blues of those nasty bruises, with the softness of his fingers. He moved deeper inside John, sinking into a rhythm, that matched the drumming of his heart.
John's hands wandered, caressing Virgil’s back, gently over the bandages as not to hurt him, but to send shivers all along his body causing Virgil to break his rhythm every time a wave of ticklish squirms occurred, pulling out slightly only to push back harder and make John's legs fight to stay still as his back stretched in response.
“Virgil…..uhhhhh...damn…...make this...uhhhhhnnn….last forever…..Virgil!” the last one he almost shouted, another hard push from him because of John's fingertips touching him tenderly stroking his sides and down his spine as Virgil arched, pulled out and pushed right back in.
Virgil collapsed onto John, completely spent. Every time they made love, he was reminded of how he had come to be the light of his life, the blues of his skies, how he sometimes saw shades of himself in the mesmerizing emeralds of his eyes.
He nuzzled his face in John's neck, breathing in his intoxicating scent.
John was still hard, sure he was exhausted after Virgil showed him just who was the boss in the bedroom, he wondered if Virgil would allow him to give him the same chance to repay him in kind. He tried kissing him again, encouraging him for another round, even if Virgil sat on top to keep his dominance… he didn't care he really wanted to return the favor….something he was never allowed to do.
His kisses and nuzzles were like little pleas, begging his younger brother to give him a chance.
Virgil smiled, John's intentions that he wanted to go on was loud and clear.
"Show me what you want to do to me... take me... all of it..." Virgil whispered seductively in his ear, as he relaxed, more than happy for John to take over.
John found extra enthusiasm that Virgil wasn't expecting, grabbing him and rolling on top of him then set himself about his little aerial raid of kisses, hickies, stroking and caressing him, playful and light like he was playing a game with Virgil.
John knew he was still going to bruise like hell after all of this, but it was going to be worth every damn one of them and Virgil be fucking damned if he was going to tell him off for acquiring them, especially now his skin was looking like he had the chicken pox with the little hickies all over him that John was determined to give, a little mark to say ‘You're mine’.
Virgil chuckled, he was tickled all over by John's actions, the pain in his ribs only served to heighten that sensation.
He found that he enjoyed this sudden dominance from John, and pushed him backwards a little just to tease him further.
There were no words to describe the magic they had, when they were together like this.
Virgil let John continue pronouncing his dominance on his body. Fuck, this felt so good! He felt a rush, as if John had breathed life into his broken body. He reached up, and locked him in a sudden embrace. His body singing along with John. He never wanted this to end…
John started to massage his legs and ran his fingers along Virgil’s feet, smiling as they jerked away. Unlike his brother that had musical talent, he knew exactly how to make the human body sing. Virgil was making all sorts of noises and that was music to his ears.
There was so much going on to his person, Virgil didn't seem to notice John’s penetrating move, his back already arching wildly from John's fingers and his mouth was desperately seeking solace in his lips. John was far slower than Virgil had been, but the pace just meant John was pushing harder and longer with each movement of the hips. He could feel Virgil wrap his legs around him, trying to hold him in as tight as he could, but John kept pulling out to the tip and back making sure everything felt long and relaxing. Not once did John stop kissing him, pawing over him, just like a lapping ocean wave on the beach caressing the sand as the tides moved in and out across it.
Tantric sex is what it's called and John had a very long time to work out what he needed to do.
He untangled himself from Virgil's legs and stopped his hips and started to stroke under Virgil's pelvis rubbing between his legs and long drawn out growls were heard. He ran his fingers back along the pelvis and up to the belly button, moving his hips again slowly, carefully, letting Virgil's body do most of the work, reading it's motions and forming the experience around him. Everytime he looked like it was too much, John pulled back with great practice, waiting for it to recede before enveloping him in the wave of ecstasy before orgasm like how water over time smooths and shapes pebbles in a stream.
Eventually he would have to give.
There was no warning, John gripped Virgil tightly as he came, pretty certain that all his energy was being pushed out and into Virgil in one violent storm. He felt Virgil hold onto him just as tight as if his body couldn't take anymore and this last powerful thrust was the last orgasmic fantasy. There was stars bursting to life throughout the universe from that one explosion of power that John swore new galaxies were being formed in Virgil's name.
Shakely, he withdrew and collapsed without any grace against Virgil's sweaty skin, sticking to him like glue and was asleep within seconds.
Virgil fell back onto the softness of the pillows. "That... was fucking beautiful!" He whispered gratefully into John's ear, as he lovingly nibbled and sucked on his ear lobe. "Thank you... for completing me."
Exhausted with nothing left in him, he returned to the comfort of John's welcoming and reassuring arms. Dreaming of the flaming yellows, oranges and reds that danced in John's locks.
“Hey John, got a minute?”
John looked up from his book to see Scott hovering over him. John was sitting in a chair on the landing in the living room, re-reading one of their father's books for maybe the thousandth time in his life.
“All the time in the world for you Scott, what's the problem?”
Scott rubbed the back of his neck before pulling across another chair to sit in it.
“It's about Virgil.”
John's ears already started burning. He had expected Scott to talk to him about Gordon and Alan's recently new strange behaviors, the result of being run into the dirt and struggling to pick themselves up and return to their normal cheerful selves. John had expressed concerns at length with him for weeks and he had thought he had finally started to listen. They needed a break and fast…. As they were starting to become more broken. Something had to be done, however pulling Scott from his obsession with keeping dad's memories alive was what was killing all of them…. Scott included.
“He's doing maintenance in Thunderbird two with Brains. You can talk to him directly if you like, he's doing better than the rest of us at the moment.” That was true, Virgil’s only worry at this moment was with John and he had been trying so hard to keep those worries at bay and had been quite pleased that so far the only problems John had was with the younger two, who needed delicate care right now.
“I will...eventually. No John this directly involves you.” Scott seemed to be looking for the words to say what he wanted to get off his chest.
“Have you been in Virgil's bedroom lately?”
John nodded. “You're about to ask me if I've seen the paintings and my answer is ‘yes, I have.’” he shrugged. “So what? He's obsessively painted Gordon like that for a few months, Alan and yourself and I'm pretty sure he's the only person who's seen Kayo naked just to paint her for something or other….”
“It's not just the paintings… there's photographs...poems, songs… Virgil's obsessed with you and I'm worried that I know why.”
John remained impassive, trying not to give any more reason for Scott to suspect something else was going on between him and Virgil than necessary.
“Oh?”
“I think the words ‘Oh god, fuck me harder John’ coming from your bedroom last night pretty much covers about what I'm getting at.”
John didn't answer. What was the point?
Scott continued. “You know that unlike dad I don't care about your sexual orientation or your intimate affairs, the same as you don't care about mine…. But this..John is disgusting. You're supposed to be the older brother here! What the fuck were you thinking?” he ran a hand through his hair in agitation. “Is there anything else I need to know like the possibility of you having sex with Gordon and Alan too? Is that why they're acting so weird? Are you having sex with ALL of MY BROTHERS!?” Scott hissed with venom in his words even when keeping his voice low.
John looked mortified. How the hell did Scott reach THAT conclusion?
Scott was about to bring up their father and how much he thought John was a bad influence and then call him a monster, but John was faster and beat him to the punch.
“What the hell is wrong with you Scott? Why on EARTH do you think I'd be having sex with Gordon and Alan? It's your fucking obsession with dad and keeping us on twenty four hour alerts for several days, hell weeks at a time that's fucking killing them!” John was now standing, towering over Scott. Once upon a time, his height was menacing enough to make Scott back down and rethink what he’s said. These days Scott had more of a spine and an unspoken sense of authority and he usually threw his weight around along with it.
Scott was also up and had pinned John up against the rockwall with all his bodyweight John pretty sure something sharp was cutting into him through his jumper into his lower back.
“You're still having sex with one of MY BROTHERS DAMN IT JOHN!” He snapped slamming John against the wall a few more times, the sharp bit of rock now having torn John’s jumper and exposing the naked flesh beneath and spilling splatterings of blood on the wall.
“It’s not ‘just sex’!” John spat in his face. “It’s more than that. DO you have any idea how hard it is to find love and compassion stuck on a fucking island in the middle of the ocean with only ONE woman who isn’t your grandmother and SHE’S ALREADY TAKEN? You have Kayo all to yourself and you didn’t think that maybe your brothers needed to get out and find some sort of comfort just like you two have? I love Virgil with everything I fucking have in my miserable undeserving soul and yet….he returns that feeling by being my companion, my friend, confidant and lover. I owe him so much from keeping me above drawing in the black hole that our lives are turning into and I’m hopefully doing the same for him!”
Scott punched John in the jaw before dropping him onto the floor.
“Pick yourself up you fucking disgusting creature… get you fucking gear and get out of my fucking sight.” Scott growled. “Go on, clean up and PISS OFF back up onto that space station. I’ll get Brains to remotely lock the elevator so you’re kept up there where you can’t hurt anyone else with your sick fucking mind. After I’m done talking to Virgil about this I may consider sending supplies up there but you will NEVER SET FOOT ON SOLID GROUND AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME?”
Scott turned on his heel to leave John scrambling to pick up the pieces of himself and make a run for it. Unlike Virgil or Gordon, Scott knew he could boss John around and wasn’t afraid to assert his authority over him to bring him into line.
John made it to the locker bay without running into anyone, blood now thoroughly soaking his jumper and making it stick to his back. He ran the shower and stepped in, he had to get clean before he could get his uniform on and do what he was told. John never used to be scared of Scott, always the one who would fight him back tooth and nail if he had too… but not anymore. Like the younger Tracy’s he was far too broken for that sort of confrontation. He needed to wait it out.
He looked at his hands and realised what he’d been doing while he was panicking about the wrath of Scott…. He’d been scratching into his skin again, drawing more and more blood without realising it. FUCK.
He slid to the bottom of the shower, blood still not stopping due to the medications Brains had given him. He just hoped, no one else was around to see the condition of his skin, the cuts and the bruises he just obtained that were going to be there for sometime. Hiding this on five maybe the only option he had to protect Virgil from this…. At least Scott wouldn’t dare pick a fight with him, knowing full well he would lose… no.. Scott will try another tactic… he’d guilt and blackmail him.
Either way if Virgil didn’t know about this, their relationship was in trouble from outside interference alone.
Virgil walked into the locker room and was about to leave when he saw the door to the shower room ajar. Worried at what he would find, he approached quietly and look through the gap.
John was doing it again. Scratching and scrubbing at the invisible dirt on his skin, that only he could see. A river of blood coloring the shower floor. Anger rose up suddenly and dangerously in Virgil. He turned and stormed back into his Thunderbird’s hanger. Like someone deranged, he rummaged through his tool box, till he found what he was looking for. When he returned to locker room, He didn't bother being quiet. He threw the door open with force. John jumped, startled by Virgil's sudden presence. Angry tears was streaming down Virgil's face, his body shaking, as he mustered the courage for what he was about to do.
"Please stop... you don't know what you're doing to me... to us. Do you know what it feels like, to see you hurting yourself like this? Here... I'd show you!" He revealed the cutting blade he took from his tool box, and plunged it deep into the largest artery on his right arm, the basilica vein. Carving a deep, deliberate and vicious line from where the Iapyx/Icarus tattoo began, severing muscle and ligaments along the way, and didn't stop till he reached the bone where his elbow stopped the blade's harsh motion. Trying to ignore the fact that he might need multiple surgeries and physiotherapy after this, just to regain any feeling into that arm again, he pushed that thought to the furthest corner of his mind. He crumpled into a heap on the floor, clutching the open blade angrily with his injured right hand, drawing more blood. His brain barely registered the throbbing pain, as his blood pooled on the floor around him. Nothing burned more than the hole that was his heart right now. Virgil knew he was scaring John, but he needed to do something to snap him out of this dangerous downward spiral.
"Please stop... Why can't you see that you don't have to resort to this?! I'm right here, why do you push me away?" He cried, his body shaking with the pain he carried for the both of them. "You're killing me!" Virgil cried, clenching his shirt tightly with his good hand. "This... this fucking hurts!" He said, not referring to the burning pain in his injured arm.
"Let me in! I can help you... Please..." He begged. "Let me battle your demons with you... You're not alone! Why can't you see me?" He choked on his tears, as he struggled to breathe. "You can't make me give up on you... on us. I fucking refuse to!"
John was quick getting out of the shower, slipping over himself in the water in his scramble to get to Virgil before he plunged the knife in anywhere else. Even with one good arm wrestling the blade off him was a task, John’s wet hands finding it impossible to get a grip…
That was till the blade slashed him across the face, just missing his left eye.
The blade hit the floor… the sound was deafening. John then kicked it as far out of reach as he could, before grabbing the nearest towel and wrapping Virgil’s arm in it furiously, emotions flooding into every motion, anger in how he tied the torque to stem the bleed and applied immediate pressure to the wound.
“HOLD.” it was an order to be obeyed. John was light a cyclone of emotions right now and he was not going to put up with any more stupid behavior, especially from Virgil, whom he told Scott was perfectly fine and the only sane person left on the island. The one thing you NEVER do that his younger brothers learned a long time ago was try to find the eye of the storm. You’d never come out of it alive, and right now John was more dangerous than a time bomb being flung into an oncoming hurricane.
Virgil tried to listen to John, gripping the blood stained towel. He was starting to black out from the massive blood loss, from such a deep wound. "You promised me you wouldn't..." Black spots dancing dangerously in his vision.
"You promised..." He tried to hold on, sorry that he had to resort to this extreme to make John understand. "John?" He reached out blindly for him, numb from shock, he sank into the darkness.
John didn’t answer, he was hunting for the coms for his uniform. Once found he barked into it. “Gordon, Alan, Locker room now! Bring a stretcher and a medical kit.” he changed frequency, “Brains prep the infirmary, Gordon and Alan are bringing in a bleeder, this one’s serious - Don’t want him to lose a limb.”
John came back over with another towel to add more pressure and lay Virgil down on his side,raising the arm in the air above his heart to slow the blood flow and give his body time to stem some of the bleeding itself so there wouldn’t be so much of it by the time Brains got to treat him properly. He’s have Gordon and Alan to help him, both has some level of medical experience - something that they were all required to have.
He knew as of now, everything was fucked. His entire life was falling apart and the last shred of sanity left in it had collapsed. He knew he would hurt Virgil in the end… but not like this. If he knew Virgil would do something so stupid then he would have stopped this relationship before it started. When Gordon and Alan ran in, Alan took over holding pressure down and keeping his arm up while John slipped on a shirt and shorts so that after Gordon had loosely applied coverings that were enough to get him down stairs, both lifted him onto the stretcher and as a team, all three of them carried Virgil down as fast as they possibly could.
John left Virgil to be tended to by Brains, someone a little more qualified than him to supervise the complicated surgeries the machines in the infirmary did.
He told Gordon and Alan to please look after Virgil as there was something important he had to do.
The world was burn and go to hell in the force of cyclone Tracy.
When the lift docked with Thunderbird five John was still covered in his blood stained T- shirt and shorts- his own and Virgil's - blood now dripping from the wound on his face to match the bruises, the scratches and the contusions down his back with an axe in his hands. International Rescue, the Tracy family prison cell must end. There was only one way John knew that would make Scott realise that they all needed help, that they were all dying inside… and he was the only person who could do it.
They all relied on him to be the strong one. He was never allowed to break and fall apart as if they saw it that was it all hope was lost. John walked through the gravity ring with dangerous purpose until he was in the life support systems room.
All the nightmares, all the scream and cries.. Watching his brothers slowly die….. He couldn’t take it anymore.
He flexed his grip on the axe handle.
There was only one way Scott would finally listen and realise that this had gone too far. They were now abused and broken hell even the devil himself in hell got to have a Sunday off. The Tracys NEVER got time off.
John didn’t want to ever do this… but this was the only way
The last resort, because once that last remaining rook crumbles, the King is left exposed for all to see his wicked ways.
The axe connected with the air supply tanks.
Scott's watch beeped angrily, he couldn't believe the messages he was receiving. Thunderbird five’s systems were failing dangerously.
"John! What THE HELL do you think you're doing? You'd kill yourself first!" There was no answer from the com. He stormed angrily to their father's desk, he didn't like what he was about to do, but he wasn't going to let his father's life work go to waste. "Computer, override all TB5 systems and launch emergency retrieval program: Blackout. Initiation sequence: 18945."
Jeff had written that Program as the ultimate fail safe, to protect the core of IR. He knew what the confines of space could do to a man's mind, and he had planned for all contingencies. Although Scott doubted he would guessed the reason for John's meltdown.
“I’m sorry but that program has been deleted.” the voice of EOS replied through the com. “All systems linked to the elevator have been compromised.” there was static. “COmmunications compr-” the AI’s signal died.
"Christ! Fuck you John!" Scott slammed his fist onto the desk. He ran to Thunderbird three's hangar, determined to drag his sorry arse back to the island, and give him the beating of his life. "Alan? Where are you? I need you to meet me at TB3. Something's happened to John."
It felt like forever before Alan’s seat slid into the pilot's side of Thunderbird three and the youngest Tracy looked like absolute hell. He couldn’t look at Scott as he went through the motions of preflight checks and the countdown for launch… then he misfired the rocket boosters, stalling the craft.
“Sorry Scott. Will try again. Hopefully I didn’t fry the engines.” Alan panicked after seeing the look on Scott’s face. He was tired, sick and after all the commotion surrounding Virgil, knew John was the last person he wanted to be near.
Scott didn't answer, he was beyond furious, wondering how the world around him had suddenly gone to hell. "Fucking hell, John!" He slammed his fist on the steer. He hoped he better be alive when they find him, 'cos he wanted the pleasure of killing him himself. He rubbed his face in frustration.
Alan restarted the launch and this time it was without a hitch.
“Three, two, one…. Thunderbird three is GO!”
When they left the atmosphere the shock of no gravity was a relief and Alan visibly sunk into the pilot’s seat. The pressure on his whole body and his brain was lifted and he was now sitting on a fluffy cloud.
“ETA with Thunderbird five in ten minutes.”
Scott boiled Alan's nervousness down to worry for John. "Don't worry, Squirt. John will be ok." He tried to reassure him, not quite believing his own words.
“I hope so.” Alan was quiet for a few moments before a pained expression crossed his features. “I saw you two fighting while I was watching the Holo tv in the living room” Alan’s voice shook. “Why did you hit him?”
Scott groaned internally, he wasn't about to reveal that two of his older brothers were involved in incest. "Let's just say he was being an asshole, and that he had it coming."
“Oh.” Alan replied. “Gordon begged to come instead of me, but I told him that neither of you could fly a rocket. So he had to stay with Virgil. Gordon doesn’t want to stay with Virgil.”
“Wait, what's wrong with Virgil? And why doesn't Gordon want to stay with him?"
Alan shifted uneasily. For some reason he walked right into it and had no idea how to wriggle his way out of the hole he just dug. Just the thought of mentioning it made him terrified.
“Virgil… we… John… there was so much blood….”
Scott frowned, not quite understanding what Alan was rambling about. "Alan?" His tone softened. "Hey? It's ok? What wrong with Virgil?"
Alan started sniffing, trying hard not to break down into a mess of tears.
“John was there… holding his arm… blood was everywhere I almost threw up.”
Virgil, hurt? What the fuck was going on? The whole world was going to hell, as if John was determined to burn it all.
"Did John do that? Did he hurt Virgil?" He threaded carefully, Alan was barely holding it together. Damn, they all were. Maybe John was right, he had pushed them all too far, too hard.
“N-no, it’s not like that! The deep cut along… along his arm. Only Virgil could have himself….” Alan trembled and started to cry, words just blurting out. “Virgil tried to kill himself Scott! Why would he try to do that? Gordon’s scared as he keeps thinking he’s going to be the next one to attempt his own life! I’m scared too, what if John’s doing that right now? He’s all I’ve got, he makes the nightmares go away! He can’t do this! Virgil almost bled to death and would have if John wasn’t there!” the floodgates were now open and there was no stopping them. “Gordon helps make the dreams go away too, but only because John’s there to help him… Virgil… Virgil’s heart is too big and too kind to watch us all slowly die! Scotty it’s not fair! Why is everyone dying?”
Scott's heart broke, having to hear those words coming from his baby Brother. This was all his fault, all his doing. But God be damn, if he wasn't going to try and fix this. He didn't how, but they were going to get through this, as they always have, as a unit, as a family. He reached over, and held Alan's hand tightly. He was afraid if he looked at him, he might start to unfold too. That was something he couldn't afford right now. Not when everyone was looking to him. "He's going to be ok, Allie. I won't let anything happen to him, I promise."
John’s tirade of destruction came to a halt. The air was thinning out, every breath was laborious and painful.He collapsed against the glass floor of the gravity ring counting each breath his poor straining lungs were taking. this was what he deserved… a long drawn out and painful death. he didn't deserve a quick exit from this life not after the damage he had done to Virgil and the utter lack of help he could provide for Gordon and the lame excuse for protecting Alan he was.
His chest heaved as it clawed for every hint of oxygen it could, trying to fight asphyxiation.
This is how he deserved to die, the only fitting death for such a pathetic monster.
John had read somewhere once in a comic fantasy where death had said, ‘life does flash before your eyes, it is the process we call Living.’
They were wrong.
It's called contemplation and reflection, that bizarre moment where everything moves in slow motion, almost lasting forever - time stretching out as if to give you one last hard evaluation of everything you’ve ever done.
John watched the beautiful stars revolve around him and the big blue ball called ‘Earth’ unravel and roll out its magnificence and glory for him to see. A view he didn’t deserve.
Shutting his eyes he realised the sight on offer wasn’t any better. The slow decent into losing his mind, John only able to watch Scott and his obsessions getting weirder and demands getting harsher, Kayo completely withdrawing as far as she could to keep away, Brains hiding in his inventions, some becoming needlessly useless in his attempt to try and get his mind off how things were going…
John’s lungs exhaled like a death rattle as he thought about their Grandmother who they eventually had to send to live with Lady Penelope because what was happening was breaking her heart. Gordon was struggling to keep his sanity only pushing along because John was there and that Alan needed him.
Alan was no longer innocent, being robbed of it by the reality of what the pressures of being in an organisation that never stopped to breathe was doing to him, the kid was so messed up, John feared along with Gordon that he was beyond repair… maybe beyond saving but they had to keep trying as the kid NEEDED to be saved.
He opened his eyes and watched the stars again through barely lucid lashes…. And thought about Virgil.
His heart was always worn on his sleeves, forever beating out the most wonderful song in the universe, his arms never quite big enough to bring everyone and everything into those strong embraces but by the gods did he ever try, did he ever try. If there was ever a more beautiful thing he had ever seen in his life, it was the endless love Virgil had that burned like a brilliant candle against an ever encroaching dark cloud…
And then John had snuffed it out.
He didn’t regret their small short romance. No, it was the fact he should have stopped it before it even started. Kissing Virgil after his romantic gesture was the biggest mistake he had ever made but one he was not going to be forced to regret, even if he was to die.
To say no to someone who chose you over his love for the entire world was like kicking a puppy that had pissed on the carpet. No… that was how John felt when Virgil had tried to kill himself to make a point.
A stupid point that’s left him in the infirmary and one that John understood but was so angry at because he didn’t understand why Virgil didn’t give him a chance. John told him he could promise nothing, and explained that no matter what happened he need Virgil there to catch him when he fell, something he never asked of anyone, but Virgil insisted that’s what he wanted to do.
It was difficult to breathe, but John mouthed out one final tune, one that had been a tarnish to his soul since his love for his brother began to bloom.
Down from the edge I can see you where we are
And I'd give up all of my days to go back
There was all this wonder
And all this magic
Has all this wonder, over and done
If love were a whisper
What could I give you to speak
Maybe you're out of my reach
I can't let you go
I can't let you go
You're part of my soul
You're all that I know
I can't let you go
As the words began to fail, visions of the last time they were intimate filled his head and how powerful the emotions they shared had been.
This was for the best. John didn’t deserve Virgil… Scott was right to beat him up and tell him he was a sick feral creature of corruption. John had tried and failed, becoming detached and living in his own separate reality from everyone else, watching everyone slowly kill themselves around him and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do. It was so disjointed and jarring to think that he may have helped contribute to his brother’s downward spiral and unwillingly played along with Scott's utter madness by picking up the pieces of his siblings and nursing them back to some level of life before having it almost taken away….
Over and over again.
The last intake of air was slow and painful but was finally embraced.
“SCOTT OVER HERE! I FOUND HIM!” Alan had run over and rolled John onto his back and his eyes began to fill with panic.
“He’s not breathing Scott! DO something!” he cried, tears already falling. Alan couldn’t stop himself, emotions were getting on top of him and this was like being pushed off the edge of a cliff. Virgil and John were the ones you ran to when life wasn’t fair and with them currently out of the picture, Alan felt scared and alone. All he needed now was for Gordon to cave and Alan would have no one.
“Please Scott!” Alan pleaded, his body barely able to contain the shakes from this out pour. “Don’t let him die! Virgil would have if John didn’t save him! You have to save him, for Virgil, for Gordon, please Scott save him for me!”
Scott starts CPR on John, but he's not responding, almost as if his broken spirit has given up as well. "Oh no, you bastard! You're not getting off that easily!" Scott screamed angrily. "Now breathe for me, you jerk!" He slammed his fist into his chest, desperate for anything to bring his brother back. He continued with the chest compressions, and felt sick to the core, that he had to breathe for his failing brother. "If not for me, then do it for Virgil, God damn it!" He begged, barely holding back the tears that threatened to come. Alan had a custom designed respirator covering his face that was designed for space rescues as there was no air in Thunderbird five for Scott to do this the old fashioned way.
There was a gasp as air and Alan started to look more hopeful as they were now short but at the very least present. “He’s alive!” He said excitedly, “He’s still alive!”
"Ok, let's bring in a stretcher, and what say we bring old Johnny boy here home, eh?" Scott seemed to remember to breathe too, as he laughed and punched Alan on the shoulder jokingly.
Alan nodded. He was just grateful not to loose any of his brothers today.
Scott took a moment to look at the damage around him. John had smashed a great deal of Thunderbird five’s equipment to pieces. Brains was in for a hell of a week.
Virgil sat in the middle of the now familiar endless fields of lavender. There was no sound, no rustling of the wind, even as the lavender swayed in the wind. He thought endlessly of John, of how walking in on him like that, especially after he had promised to stop, hurt. He couldn't get the image of his beautiful brother, dripping blood from scrubbing his skin red and raw, like it was seared into his mind. He had decided then to push back at John with a ferocity he didn't know he had.
Had he pushed him too far with what he did?
He glanced down at his right arm, a red glowing crack running down its entire length. It was extreme, yes...but he still felt that he needed to show John, what he was doing to him. He had snapped that day and something in him was now broken. He was determined to tear down John's walls once and for all, he wasn't going to let the storm rain down on him alone. God helped anyone who stood in his way, even if that person was John himself.
He was prepared to bleed himself dry, if that was what it needed for him to heal. He wasn't going to let John throw away what they had. Their love wasn't just physical, like the way they had started. No, it was something much, much more. It was special, and worth protecting with every inch of his life, every fiber of his being. It shone brightly in both of them, like it was the only source of good and light left in the world. They were soulmates now, forever intertwined, like two pictures in the same broken frame.
Virgil was determined to set things right, he will lead him down the path of healing. In his mind he stood up and went in search of his John.
In the same room, John was still hooked up to a breathing apparatus, his body too weak to keep it up on his own. He was barely awake, running his fingers through a mess of rusty blonde and golden blonde hair with each hand, Alan and Gordon asleep cuddled into him on either side. Alan had also gone to cuddle and sleep on Virgil like this since returning but the big guy had been out cold and probably wouldn’t have noticed him there. Gordon had read books to him on John’s request because he couldn’t do it himself….even being tied down to a bed wasn’t stopping John from keeping a protective eye on Virgil as well as the two little ones who seemed stuck to him like glue.
Scott walked into the infirmary, his heart ached at the two figures lying prone on the beds. He smiled at the sight of both Alan and Gordon, cuddled on either side of John.
This was not going to easy for him. Scott Tracy had always been a man of pride, apologies from him were rare.
"John..." He said, as he took the chair between the beds. "I guess it's a good thing for me that you're still hooked on the respirator... God knows, this is hard enough as is..."
He rubbed the back of his head absentmindedly, "I guess, what I'm trying to say... is that... I'm sorry, ok? For trying to take Dad's place, for pushing you guys too hard, for not seeing the warning signs earlier..."
"But this doesn't make things between you and Virgil ok." He spun his words quickly, almost as if the apology never happened, and launched into his lecture taking advantage of John's imposed silence.
"Look at where this led the both of you? Wounded and broken in the infirmary!" He looked up, exasperated. "You're supposed to be the sensible one in the family, for God's sake, John."
"What the FUCK were you thinking screwing Virgil? Has the black voids of space suddenly filled your head?!"
His anger rose, with everything that had happened accumulating in a storm, circling and enclosing John in its fury.
"You're his older brother, you know the kind of romanticism Virgil has in that head of his, to take advantage of his feelings like that? That's a new low, even coming from you!"
"Well, this stops here. I don't care if I have to ship Virgil off to a military academy, so that I can enjoy seeing how it breaks his spirit and your heart. Get it out of your head now, there's no fucking LOVE between the two of you!"
Virgil woke, wondering why Scott was yelling at him in his room. Head spinning, his eyes focused on the IV and bag of blood hanging above. For a confused moment, he wondered why he was in... the infirmary? Then, it all came flooding back.
He turned his head, John was here? Hooked up to a respirator, unable to speak, with only the agitated beats of his heart monitor responding to Scott's fury. What was going on? Why was John hurt? Everything hurt, and nothing made any sense.
He pushed himself on his good arm, furious at Scott. He meant it when he said God helped anyone who tried to hurt John, even if that was Scott.
"Leave... Leave MY John alone!" He rasped out. "Get out! Get out!"
“Vi...gil.” John rasped. “Go... back to bed.” he was far more lucid now, but that didn't mean he was in a position to have a fight occur in the recovery room.
"No John..." Virgil was now struggling to get up, if Scott wasn't going to leave, then he was going to make him. He'd be damned before he let anyone near John.
"Didn't you hear me, Scott?" His body shaking with pained effort. "I told you to get out!"
“Please… Virgil stop..”
"Virgil!" Scott went to his side, trying to calm him down. "Woah relax, bro. Before you hurt yourself."
Virgil pushed him away. "I think you've done enough. Can't you see you're killing us here?"
"Virge... you don't know what you're saying. You're barely lucid right now. I know about the two of you, what's been going on behind my back. He's using you! Do you seriously think you mean anything at all to him? He's playing you!" Scott yelled, his fury now focused on Virgil.
“S...stop…” John was starting to panic. His chest hurt like hell from every intake of air. Someone beside him was stirring, but he couldn’t say who.
Virgil froze for a second, Scott knew? How? When?
"No! You DON'T know anything about the two of us! You wouldn't be here, screaming in our faces if you even knew the surface of what we have." Virgil's own anger rose up in him, anger from John's self hurt, anger at why the whole world seemed hell bent on breaking them apart.
"He's my heart. My essence, my soul, my very reason for existence." He choked. He needed this, he needed to voice everything out, not only to try and make Scott understand, but for himself and for John to hear these same desperate words his heart had been carrying all this time.
"I'm tired of hiding, why should we? We're good for each other! John fills me with the kind of good, that you only wished you had in your own black heart! What we have may be different, but it's also real, rare and valuable. People live out their whole lives, wishing for something like this. "
The room was spinning dangerously now, still Virgil dug deep.
"How DARE you come waltzing in here, always presuming you know what's best for us? You don't fool me with your false parade." He spat out, desperately clinging on, hoping to get all his words out before he collapsed from the effort.
"I LOVE HIM! I don't care if you think that's wrong. We belong with each other. Everything in my life was always leading back to John, and it will never stop being that way, just because YOU can't accept the fact that we have something you can never experience. How long have you been dead inside, Scott? Do you even truly love Kayo?" He didn't care how deep he was twisting the knife into Scott.
"There's no point in living, if it's going to be without him!" He was fading quickly, with one swift motion, to make his point loud and clear to Scott, he pulled the IV and blood transfusion lines out, making a bloody mess everywhere. He was spent, falling back to the claws of darkness that enveloped him.
"Fucking hell!" Scott scrambled, to stem the bleeding.
He yelled at John, "Do you see? You see the kind of effect you have on Virgil? THIS was what I was afraid would happen. I tried to to tell you! Both of you! Fucking hell, the both of you are so stubbornly blind and fucking stupid..."
He moved quickly, to ease Virgil back into bed. Replacing the IV and blood lines with steady and skilled hands.
There was a tap on his shoulder forcing him to turn around and with seconds Scott was on the floor from a brutal swing of a fist to his nose.
It belonged to Gordon, whom had up till now, sleeping on the side of John's bed so he lay between him and Virgil. He was sitting up, dark circles under his eyes. He looked like hell had frozen over.
“Where do you get onto this high horse? I want a ride.” Gordon growled, voice like gravel and mud in a landslide. “No offense to you guys, but this is fucking ridiculous.”
Scott held his hand up to his bleeding nose. "Oh, you're one to judge. We're the ridiculous ones here, huh? Oh do enlighten us then!"
“With what?” Gordon shrugged. “Who cares if Virgil loves John and vice versa more than just brothers? What are seriously going to do? No amount of separation is going to stop that. Just because my relationship with Penelope is on the rocks doesn't give me the right to tell anyone else who or what they should do in theirs.”
"What?" Scott couldn't believe his ears. "Are you even listening to yourself right now? Or do you not wrap your head around what's happening? This is disgusting what they're doing... it's fucking incest!" He stood, towering over Gordon.
“So what?” Gordon stood his ground. Scott didn't scare him one bit. John or Virgil threatening him, maybe...but Scott never. He had rescued people more volatile than the three of them out together. “Your fault for keeping us all caged here to the island and our jobs like animals, never allowing us any time to get out and see other people. We live a fucking isolated existence! What do you expect to happen? We'd be happy all wanking ourselves off in loneliness? Be glad there's a fucking alternative.”
“Besides, it's not like they can get each other pregnant.” he smirked, finding the idea highly hilarious. “How many weeks along was Kayo may I ask before she decided that she couldn't bring a kid up in this place? If anything, you're the one we should be feeling angry with, not Virgil and John.”
“Seriously, being in the room next door to Virgil and opposite John's means I've heard nearly everything that's gone on between them, well near enough.. whatever I can't a empty glass held to the wall helps amplify…and I can vouch that is genuine. So just stop being a fucking wanker already! Shit if I had someone to have intimacy with I'd feel fucking better than I do now! I wouldn't be crossing off every calendar day thinking ‘thank fuck I didn't commit suicide yesterday.’”
Scott was livid and beyond exasperated, he also knew he was outnumbered. "You're all fucking crazy! I wash my hands off this. Just don't come to me crying when this fling is over. Don't expect me to be picking up pieces of you-” he glares at Virgil “All over the floor, when that happens." He stormed off.
Virgil had heard everything behind closed eyes. He pointed in Gordon's direction, "You are golden, Gords..." Everything hurt. "Thank you..."
“Don't mention it though you can both do me a huge favor.”
Virgil was almost afraid to ask, with Gordon anything's possible. "And that would be?"
“That you either keep the noise down or tell me the juicy details like normal siblings.”
There was alot of coughing coming from John, as he tried to laugh which was music to anyone's ears since John rarely did so over the past year. “Isn't what I -I told you enough?”
Virgil felt a flush to his face, when did John even tell Gordon about them? And if he did, what did he say about Virgil?
He looked over to John, suddenly the space between them never felt wider. He yearned to be close to him right now, but God did everything hurt. "What happened to you? Why are you here too?" Worried for him, more than his own injury did.
“After you tried to top yourself? Johnny went A-wall on Thunderbird five!” Gordon couldn't help himself, a stupid grin across his face.
“Wasn't..that bad.”
“Seriously? You went fucking bananas!” Gordon chirped, clearly finding the concept of John the killer tornado hilarious. “ He took an axe up on Thunderbird five and gutted the fucking craft, including the air supply! Brains will be fixing it for at least two months!”
John glanced at Virgil. He was at their mercy here and he was getting poked with the sharp end of the metaphorical stick.
“Hang on, I need a drink.. be right back.” Gordon, still smiling ducked out to quench his thirst.
“He was on the balcony. ...I stopped him from jumping off it….” John said quietly when Gordon was gone. “I didn't have anything that I could say to talk him down until he openly told me that we were lucky ….to have each other.”
John coughed as his breathing was getting difficult. “I told him stuff related to how lovely you were to me…nothing sexual. Then it… sorta just stayed as a topic to keep... him from killing himself. He- he isn't joking when he said he thinks about it everyday. He..only knows how much… I love you.”
“Before you tell me off… he's helped with Alan so much he deserves...not to be lied to.” John absently ran his fingers through Alan's hair again who was still asleep. “Alan thinks he's dying… he's barely able to stay awake longer than a few hours…they're still kids Virgil. We sh-should be protecting...them.”
All that talking was too much for John's struggling lungs. It was a choice between talking or breathing and he knew what he needed to do more.
Virgil listened intently, John's words of 'how much... I love you...' filling him up with so much warmth, pushing the waves of pain away. For as long as he lived, he could never get enough of hearing John saying that he loved him. It was more than he dare hoped, more than he knew he deserved.
"John, it's ok. I know... I don't blame you for anything. It's ok, we'd make this right. Nothing will happen to you, Gordon or Alan. I won't allow it." He wasn't sorry that John had taken apart Thunderbird five, if anything it would give them a chance to finally rest from the tyranny of Scott, for all of them to mend. He will not let anyone lay a finger on anyone of them. He'd elope with John, taking Gordon and Alan with them, if he felt there was a need to.
Virgil could hear the pain in John's voice as he struggled to breathe but he pushed on. "I need to know though, you broke your promise to me that day in the shower. Why?" He asked, quietly. "Am I? Am I not enough for you?"
“I told you… I can only try. I couldn't promise you what I cannot do…” John shut his eyes, vivid recollections of everything running through his mind in graphic frame by frame detail. “Scott threatened me...about taking you away.” John felt it ok to skip the exact words after what was exchanged just before Gordon saved the day were best left unsaid. Virgil would get the picture anyway. “He pinned me to the wall in the….landing, over and over till my back bled...then he punched me, told me to scram and get….out if his sight. I-I was terrified….thought you'd never believe me...then before I knew it...I had started to scratch and have a panic attack.”
“Why, why the hell...did you throw my problem into my face?” John rasped, anger creeping into his voice. “I trusted you to help me not...not to mock and insult me...I was so mad I didn't have anything… anything I felt to live for because...because I'd hurt you by you....” he coughed.
“You tried to take my eye out you bastard…”
Virgil was starting to get a headache, just from trying to process all this information. If he thought he was mad at Scott a few moments ago, he was raging mad now. Where does Scott get off, thinking he had any sort of right to interfere with their relationship, and to lay his hands on John like that? He prayed Scott had the better sense to stay away from him, he wasn't sure he could hold back from landing a few well meaning punches to get his message across
And he nearly took out John's eye? He didn't remember that part, he'd no sooner take that knife to his heart, before he would lay a finger on John like that. He was so sorry, he was going to make it up to him. He didn't know how yet, he'd think of something.
"I'm sorry John, more than you will ever know." Virgil hoped John would understand where he was coming from. "I snapped, I have a breaking point too you know? I'm not the perfect saint you make me out to be. This..." he lifted the huge cast like bandaged of a right arm. "This was a very real representation of my heart breaking. You have no idea what seeing you like that did to me. If you ever feel like you're sinking into those deep waters again, I swear I will always jump in after you to reach you, whatever it takes. I'd never let you go."
He looked over at John, "No one can ever take me away from you, you of all people should know that only you have the power to do that. The day you decide you don't want me, if you can look me in the eye with that painful truth, only then I will let us go. Not before then, maybe not ever."
"It's ok to feel broken, but you shouldn't have to feel like you're drowning alone. Don't take it out on yourself like that... please. I promise I will never harm myself like that again. Come to me first, I can mend you, if you let me in. I can't see you like that again, you don't know what it does to me."
"I want to work this through with you. Let me show you the different ways I can love you, to fix your broken parts. You don't have to be whole, you're already perfect to me. Please..."
John was starting to realise that no matter what, he was always going to end up hurting Virgil. Scott was right… it was never going to be a real relationship. Sure, they both loved each other, but the problem lay in Virgil relying on John to keep these unrealistic views of him, that he was strong and could talk about things and he'd understand.
But Virgil had already proven that even if John came to him or chose to protect him from the true reality of what he dealt with everyday that he couldn’t handle it.
John loved Virgil with every part of his soul. He couldn’t be this fantastic amazing person Virgil thought that he was. There was no point in hurting him anymore. Story of his life really, their father expected so much and when John didn't match his ideal image of a son boy...did he show his displeasure. It had been fine...John loved space and as long as he kept his end of the bargain he was allowed to still be a part of the family. Then he went missing and Scott took over...which was fine… till the rescue started mounting up, the workload started eating into his free time, family time….now it was nothing else but his whole life.
Alan and Scott should he let him die...but here he was with Virgil pouring out his heart to him. Love clearly misplaced in the wrong person.
John had not felt so alive, so normal till Virgil and he started showing each other how much they loved one another. He didn't want that to end...there was so much passion, intensity and fire that was worth never giving up for.
But it was Virgil John needed to put first, not his own feelings and selfish desires… and Virgil was beyond obsessed with him to the point no matter what he said about his faults they were always going to be buried under this fake image that Virgil had in his head.
Virgil was waiting for an answer. He could lie and go along with this fake perception of himself which will eventually come undone or do the honorable thing and break both their hearts.
Or he could lie and protect Virgil from the monsters, preventing this from being salvaged in future.
“I'm sorry Virgil, for leading you on.... Everything Scott said….is true.”
He was glad for the breathing mask. Virgil couldn't see him shed tears. He knew Virgil was going to yell, scream - hell maybe even unplug the machine he was on. He had every right to kill him.
John didn't mean a single word of it… but there was no way Virgil could tell the difference. John's heart found a way to make it sound as true as he wanted.
Virgil placed his unsteady feet on the infirmary floor, what John said was the last straw breaking him, he crossed the short distance between their beds, dragging behind him the IV and blood bags.
He grabbed the front of John's shirt, forcing him to meet him face to face. "How dare you? Why do you insist on pushing me away? Don't I have any say in this?"
Tears running down both their faces, "Look at you! Do you expect me to believe anything you just said, when you're barely holding yourself together?!" Virgil laughed, "You're not a very good liar, John Tracy."
"Fine..." Virgil was broken, physically, mentally and metaphorically. He was tired. "If that's how you want it. I'm sorry I was a waste of your time. Thank you for taking my blindfold off, I see now how jaded I was..."" He turned, suddenly he couldn't stand to be in the same room as John. He felt sick to the core, like he was going to throw up. He didn't understand why John was throwing them away like this.
He collapsed to his knees, but still he dragged himself across the floor. He just needed to get out of here, to put as much distance as he possibly could between them. He barely reached the door, before his body finally gave out, in a crumpled, feverish heap at Gordon's feet.
Gordon checked Virgil over then looked up.
“What the hell happened?”
“I threw my happiness away….much more painful than suicide, Gordon...far more. it had to be done...there's so much blood on my hands, I can't risk it anymore.”
“But you love him don't you?”
“Yes….and it was going to end up killing him. It's better this way.”
Gordon sighed. He had heard john tell him at great lengths how much he loved Virgil and knew maybe too much detail on how beautiful his heart was.
“The question is John… will this kill you?”
The next time Virgil awoke he was alone. John was gone.
The weeks passed slowly and a part of John wished he didn't trash Thunderbird five. He would have had somewhere to vanish to. Scott seemed happier though but that was because he could give the others a break as John volunteered for all their missions. He had nothing else to do that was useful so at least easing their load was better than nothing.
Watching from the landing he could see Virgil, Alan and Gordon playing a holo game with one another. They were happy too at least for the break and were slowly having fun again and things were turning back to normal… at least similar to just after dad went missing.
Which meant John wasn't needed for emotional support anymore….or needed at all.
He felt like a ghost drifting around the house….only being seen if it was an accident.
Was better than the previous alternative.
John hid in his free time in the room in the round house. No one bothered him there. He wasn't important enough to be needed.
Slowly, he fell back into his old rut of committing sexual fantasies on himself. There was nothing else for him to do trapped in the house. All the books had been read, he couldn't sit and watch the stars and the planet and his heart didn't have any reason to sing.
Mostly though they were to get him to stop him thinking about Virgil.
He had dragged his ‘other’ toys out some of which was probably a good thing no one knew he had.
Sometimes he wore corsets and knee high boots with his collar and bell - sometimes just the collar - but always tied to something like the animal he was. Sometimes it was to the sink in the ensuite so he forcefully watched what he was doing to himself reminding him that he didn't deserve to be loved when he committed shameful sins like these. Sometimes it was to the coffee table or the legs of the couch with the curtains blackout and the radio playing whatever music he could find that made him feel dirty.
Sometimes, like right now it was to the head of the bed.
Today he only wore the collar and leashes, a vibrating toy in place, one that he recently bought but never tried before.
Fuck, even with a whole tube of lube it hurt. Maybe this was a bad idea.
It had little studs all over it and grooves, so that when it was turned on it was supposed to give a different sensation but all it did was inflict pain…
He shifted, about to take it out when he slipped off the bed by mistake, tightening his bonds, the leather cutting into him and pushing it in further.
FUCK! He yelped in pain and tried to retrieve but now he couldn't remotely reach and the vibrations had made it stick inside. He tried to untangle himself but only succeeded in making things worse. He couldn't even sit on the floor, trapping himself on his knees with his legs spread almost choking himself. He couldn’t even reach the collar to remove it, his hands were that tangled and the leather was cutting off circulation.
Something was dribbling down his legs and he knew it wasn't from a good place, as despite all these sex acts he couldn't remotely give himself an erection. That part of his body was long dead with any feelings he had with his dignity and self respect.
He cried out, shouting for help till his voice got hoarse and he couldn't breathe. He didn’t give a shit who saw him like this, maybe they'd finally kick him off the island….then he could really vanish for good, probably wind up dead at the bottom of in a lake somewhere in Norway.
Eventually he gave up calling for help. It was that or die.
Blood was pooling at his knees in little puddles on the carpet.
Virgil lingered at the base of the stairs that led up to the roundhouse, how many times had he wanted to go up those steps, to John?
Was there really no more love between them? John acted like nothing had ever existed between them, this in turn had lit a fury in Virgil. One that had him burning all the paintings, photographs, poems and songs that John had inspired in a bin on his balcony. It was a miracle, he didn't set the whole bloody island on fire with that rage.
His legs betrayed his heart and he didn't realise where they were bringing him to. He stopped short of opening the door, wondering if John had ever wanted to see him standing there. What was he even doing here?! He turned to leave...
It was then he imagined that John was calling his name, soft and strangled pleas for Virgil to come and save him. Something was wrong, very wrong.
What he saw had him rooted to the floor, this was the last thing he expected to see. John half strangled and bleeding.
Part of him wanted to leave him there to die like this, for someone else to find him, if he even lived past the humiliation of being found in something as compromising as ‘this’.
No, no one deserved that. If John didn't deserve the help of his lover, then the least he could do, was to offer the assistance of a Brother.
He moved quickly, first to remove that blasted collar, like cutting a puppet from its strings. John took in grateful gasps of air.
He half dragged, half carried him to the couch, blood trailing everywhere.
"What are you doing to yourself, you fool?" There were no anger, no malice, no hurt in those words. Instead, he found that his heart was bleeding, far worse than John's self inflicted wound.
He tried to be as gentle as he could, while he inspected the source of the bleed out.
"Christ!" Virgil couldn't believe his eyes at what he found. He scrambled quickly for the first aid box, and donned a pair of gloves. "This is going to hurt, you ready?" He didn't wait for a response, the longer this ‘thing’ was inside, the more damage it was doing.
He grabbed onto its spiked base, and as swiftly as he could, to minimise John's pain, he pulled it away from the direction of John's body.
Thankfully, it wasn't worse than it looked. He grabbed whatever bandages that was within reach and applied firm but gentle pressure to stop the bleeding. All this while, holding onto John, letting his touch reassure him that he was not leaving him alone.
How did they come to this, To one with a broken heart and another with a fractured soul?
"You pushed me away, only to do this to your own body?!" Virgil wondered how long this had been going on and cursed himself at how blind he was to his own pain that he failed to see his loved one suffering even more, in self imposed punishment.
As he held onto John, he was lost in the confusion of a mind that was as if it was suddenly remembering something that was forcibly wiped from memory. "My body remembers you, more than it should have..." He said sadly, to the hands that were holding him.
John's body shook with tears, from the pain or from humiliation, Virgil couldn't tell.
How long they sat like this, neither knew. When the bleeding finally stopped, Virgil carried John to the bed, where he gently cleaned the wound. Memories of how John had shown him the same tenderness with a warm towel, when they had first made love on that same bed.
Suddenly, that felt like a million years ago... he didn't know how he was supposed to react, he just felt disconnected. Like something that had only started to heal, was broken again.
He stayed with John like this the whole day, never once he dared to take his eyes off him. Even as John finally gave into the pain and fell into a restless sleep, he held onto his hand, to let him know that he was here.
"I can't escape you... how can I wash this image of you like this away?" He asked, not expecting a response, as his hands curled around John's hair. "You've burned your mark so deep within me already..."
He knew he was rambling on, without hope that John could even hear him over his own pain, but he didn't care. He's bottled this up long enough.
"If I said I didn't want you back, I'd be a liar... but... I'm scared that I'm strong enough to try again... You broke me... I won't survive this, if I let myself fall in love with you again."
He cried, for his broken heart, for John's broken body, as he reached out and kissed him softly on the lips. Inside the ashes of his broken heart, started to burn an endless fire that couldn't help reaching and burning for John, and he laid there letting the flames engulfing and drowning them both.
John woke up as the sun filtered through the cracks of the drawn curtains, shivering into the warm embrace of a slumbering Virgil.
He carefully got up and pulled the sheets up to tuck him in, pulled on a loose jumper that dangled at his knees and some shorts that were so high cut up the thigh they vanished beneath it. The jumper slid off one shoulder revealing the network of scars beneath, something that he now had learned to live with.
He caught his reflection in the ensuite mirror and pinned a towel over it. He couldn’t look at his permanently scarred reflection...not after yesterday, not ever again.
Without disturbing Virgil, he scrubbed the blood off the floor, the couch, anywhere he saw it...then threw all his toys, the big box of them into the bin and gave up when one of the high heels wouldn't fit, leaving it next to it. He held the collar bell, kissed it and dropped it on top. He raided the mini bar and left a bottle of beer by Virgil on the bedside along with the chocolate kisses John had hoarded since that first night in a bowl then sat on the couch and started to write.
He had no inspiration other than writing how empty he felt inside. There was nothing left, no feelings at all. The only reason for the debortuary was to feel something in his miserable soul.
Giving up Virgil's love was like giving up the air he breathed. He didn't dare contemplate what Virgil thought of him now. He sat there writing his thoughts, wondering where all the imagination had gone.
When Virgil woke up he knew he would leave and never speak to him again.
Like magic words on the paper started to be written with meaning, they stopped being empty and began to start describing things...like the endless patience of the wind shaping mountains and canyons .
That was what Virgil really was. He was the gentle loving wind that gave all life by providing the air and the endless freedom in the skies, caressing the earth and the sea with his touch, guiding it, shaping it into whatever it wanted. Sure, the deep ocean that was John was mighty, unpredictable and powerful but it was forever at the mercy of the wind and the skies… the wind dictated where water could travel, where it was needed, where it was wanted, where it was required.
And there was nothing scarier than its wrath.
Together they were what created a cyclone, but first the wind had to start off by being a tornado… one that stabbed into the ocean waves forcing it on a wild ride to mutual destruction.
Then...there would be calm..like it never existed.
John never fully buried those feelings for Virgil… they were just onto one side. Every so often Scott on a mission would mention how glad he was it seemed to be over and expect John's lifeless eyes, fake smiles and pretend composure to validate him everytime. John just sat in silence when it came up….as it was a reminder of what a monster he really was.
Occasionally, Gordon would pull him aside after catching Scott's conversation and ask, “You really believe him, don't you?”
And John would say, “Yes. Because he's right.”
“But you really love him don't you?”
“Yes. He's all I think about.”
Alan would sit with him at meals on purpose, not really to talk, but so that he knew someone still thought he was still there, buried under the rubble that used to be his strong reliable mountain.
John loved Virgil more than he loved floating around free in space. With him he was truly one with the universe.
But he had let him go… and with it the mysteries of existence, any chance of happiness, any hope of having a normal life - well, mostly normal...the only type he could have - and at the very least, the last tiny shred of innocence his soul had left.
Now no wind caressed that ocean and the salt built up so much nothing beautiful could live in its depths. No more playful dolphins, no more beautiful whale songs.
John had been left dead inside.
When Virgil woke, John was already gone. What was he expecting? That John had stayed? That in his painful delirium, he had heard his confession? No, it was better this way. Not when he wasn't sure if he was ready to head down that path again.
He was like a bird with broken wings, crippled. Never being able to taste the freedom that came from being in the skies again. John was like the song that made his very wings take flight. But no, that world was closed to him now.
His eyes fell on the huge discarded box of John's sexual playthings. He breathed easier, at least there'd be no more painful repeats of yesterday. For John to give those up, took a lot on his part. He just prayed that maybe he start to heal properly now.
Then he saw the bottle of beer, chocolate kisses and stack of paper beside it. He was almost scared to approach, wanting to flee the room right there and then. But he had to know, if there was a chance John still felt the way he did.
John's words captivated his heart, much like how he had come to consume most of his life. Beautiful but tortured, like the fractured parts of his soul. He just wished he had chosen to speak those words to his face, he needed to hear it more than just read him pouring out his emotions on a page. But for now, maybe this was enough.
He tucked the pages into his shirt pocket, keeping it close to his heart. Hanging on desperately to the last piece of John he might ever have again. He only hope that things between them, had not yet past the point of no return.
***
"Hey guys? Could you all come in for a sec, please?" Scott said, over the comms. As they gathered round, Virgil couldn't help noticing John deliberately distancing himself from him, and how he still couldn't quite look Virgil in the eye.
"I was thinking, while Thunderbird 5 is being fixed-” he glances at John as he said that, “I thought it'd be nice if we all took a family vacation." Gordon and Alan cheered and gave each other high fives.
"Two weeks, in the Denver mountains. I think we all earned it." Scott said, hoping they could see that he was trying to make up, for the enormous strain he had put on the family over the past year.
"Don't worry, I checked." looking over at Virgil and Gordon. "It’s a strictly bear free zone.”
“Well that's a load off my mind.” Gordon joked. He had enough of bears to last him a lifetime.
“It's not a video game arcade haven, but hey, I'll gladly go hiking any day!” Alan grinned.
Virgil chirped, "I'm game. I can test out some of my new camera equipment." He looked at John, hoping he'd not find a reason not to join them.
Kayo nodded with a slight smile. “Sounds fun.” she had alot going on herself and would love to put it aside to try getting her and Scott sorted out. Thanks to Gordon blurting it out, Virgil and John knew too and while it was never spoken about all three of them had been far nicer and caring to her lately.
Eyes all turned to John who just shrugged, hidden behind his blank expression which had been worn all too often these days. “I just want off the island, so sure sounds good.”
The huge SUV rolled up, close to a nearby river bank. Its excited occupants getting out, desperate to stretch their legs.
"Well, this is it. Home for the next two weeks." Scott motioned with his arms. "Let's get the tents set up, we still have a couple of hours of light left."
"Err...Al you're with me. Kayo, you're ok with John? And Gords with Virge." This might be a vacation, but he was still hell bent on separating the pair.
Already the crisp mountain air was doing them all good, even John seemed more relaxed and less moody in this pristine environment. Excited chatter filled the air, as busy hands and hearts worked together to set up base camp.
“You sure you are ok being in the same tent as me?” Kayo asked John, a little worried. “I can swap with Gordon-”
She was taken by surprise when he gave her a hug while handing her a tent peg. “No, I think we'll be just fine.” John was relieved to be away from home, he hadn't set foot in the real world since university.
Alan was running around with one of the guide ropes from Scott and his tent, Scott chasing after him. Alan had never been off the island for anything other than rescues before and it was doing something to his brain...he was a little kid in a huge never ending candy store and he was loving every second of it.
Virgil laughed at the sight of Scott chasing Alan. It was nice to feel like a normal family for once. He pulled Gordon close, and gave him a playful kiss on the top of his head, "Come on Fish Face. At this rate, we'd be the only ones sleeping without a tent over our heads tonight."
“Yeah, sure Virgil, I'm sure you'd love that.” he sniggered. “It's no secret you don't sleep in any Pj's at night. Sure you’ll sleep in a sleeping bag too?”
Gordon was glad to see a smile from his brother, but he kept note that Virgil was glancing elsewhere while they set up.
“Still think about him, huh?” he asked quietly. “It's ok, I won't tell. Just between us.”
Virgil smiled, since when was Gordon so sharp? He didn't answer immediately, "Yeah, more than I care to admit actually." How could he not? John practically lived there, it was impossible to evict such an integral part of himself.
"Enough!" He threw the tent peg at him. "Now... work."
Once everything was set up Scott assigned dinner duties, much to everyone's groaning and eye rolling. Kayo, Virgil and Alan were assigned food prep, Scott assigned himself as main cook and to get some water to put the fire out later leaving John and Gordon to hunt for firewood.
“So hang on… if I hold the knife like this, it makes those easy to peel? but you're so damn fast at it Virgil!” Alan fumbled with a slippery wet potato.
Virgil chuckled, he and Alan rarely had times to bond like this, and he was mildly embarrassed by how he was so impressed with his simple skills with a knife.
He glanced up, and caught John looking at him, smiling. His heart skipped and his knife almost slipped.
"If you want, I can show you how to gut a fish properly? That is, if any of these idiots ever managed to catch us one, in the first place." He said to Alan, hoping no one saw his slip up.
His heart pounding in his ears, as he barely registered Alan's excited response.
“Really? You mean I get to hold a fish!? WOW!” Alan let that thought sink in. “They're not alive when we do that though are they? I don't want to hurt the fish, that would be really sad.”
Virgil laughed, there was something about Alan's innocence and youthful enthusiasm, that was rubbing off on all of them. "God Alan, we're not savages here. No, I'd show you the quickest way to put it out of its misery, before gutting it. You'd be surprised which part of the fish is actually the tastiest.
He thought about how he wasn't at ease in John's presence in the longest time. He just hoped he won't spend the rest of the trip, totally avoiding him altogether.
“Huh.” Alan frowned. “But how do you know it's not sleeping? Hey Kayo, do fish sleep? Do they have dreams?”
Virgil groaned, not quite believing the turn in conversation, as Kayo tried to answer Alan in earnest, much to the amusement and laughter of the family.
“Hey John found some great stuff for the fire! Give me a hand!” Gordon called, a little way off from camp. John headed over to help.
“Gordon we only need sticks...this is a tree!”
“Yep plenty of firewood on it to last two weeks!”
“Gordon, it doesn't work like that. See look! Something is still living in it.”
Gordon looked to where John indicated and hie eyes opened wide when he saw a skunk slinking back into the log. “So there is! That's not a problem, I'll just-”
The skunk reared and sprayed. John swore he jumped back several feet but Gordon pulled back so fast he knocked him over, both now covered in the putrid smell.
They smelt them coming, before they even saw them. "Guys, I don't think this was what they meant, by being one with nature. Eeeeew!" Alan laughed, trying to choke on the smell.
"Ha ha, come here Squirt! I'd show you how bad this really stinks, up close!" Gordon gave chase. Everyone scrambled out of the way laughing, as he randomly gave chase to anyone in his sight.
John decided to join in too. Scott ended up dunking him in the river bank, when he mistakenly decided to target his oldest brother first. Somehow, the whole family ended up in the river as well, ignoring the dipping temperatures, laughing and splashing cold water at each other.
Scott played his usual role well, as he chased everyone to clean up for bed after a while. Their first evening ended on a natural high, full of smiles and laughter, old wounds temporarily forgotten.
John dragged his sleeping bag out the tent and dragged it over to the light of a newly lit fire where Gordon sat, looking utterly miserable. He smiled when he saw John in his loose jumper and short shorts wander over.
“You too huh?”
“Despite a change of clothes and a dunking in the lake, apparently I still smell...thanks to you.”
“Join the club.” Gordon laughed. “Want to roast a marshmallow?”
“Why not?” John sat down with him and Gordon handed him a stick with three pink marshmallows stabbed onto it. “You realise if I'm stuck sleeping out here for the whole two weeks because of you and that blasted skunk you are in for so much hell when we get home.”
“It's not all bad, surely? You'd have me for company.”
“Give me a second plan a party.”
“Oh har har Johnny. You're a natural comedian.”
“Did you see Alan's face light up? I don't think he's ever gone on a holiday in his life.”
“Heh yeah...Scotty better watch out, he may beg for this to be a regular thing.”
“That wouldn't be so bad.”
Gordon looked at John with an expression of admiration. “You know you've barely spoken more than a sentence to me for weeks till we arrived here. I know not everything has gone great over the past year… but for a while I was afraid you just dropped off the planet. Don't ever do that by the way John,” he added. “Otherwise I'd have to come and fetch you.”
“Ditto, come to think of it. Has the… feelings gone?”
“Since you and Virgil split or just today?”
“You know what I mean, Gordon. Those demons at bay?”
“For a little while. I feel like I've split them between you and Virgil though.”
“Don't worry Gordon, I'm not about to commit suicide.” John assured his younger brother.
“Good.” Gordon tried to eat his burnt marshmallows, they had melted and stuck to everything, even dripping onto his boxers that he wore to bed. “Ah hell!” he exclaimed as a hot one landed on his bare legs.
“Here, take one of mine.”
“Thanks John.” Gordon took a perfectly roasted one and poped it in his mouth.
“If we're still exiled tomorrow night I might make chocolate bananas in the fire.”
“Ohhh I remember those! You used to do them for us when we little!”
“You're still little to me, Gordon.”
“Awww…” Gordon teased.
A blanket of silence washed over them while they ate and started putting in fresh ones. It was if the good kind, the one where you knew you were in the greatest if company.
“Still thinking about him?”
“Does Alan still eat Nutella from the jar with a spoon?”
“Heh. Ever wish it were different? Like, still together?”
“Every breathing moment.”
Virgil had the best sleep, in the last few months. For once, he didn't dream of those endless lavender fields, where he always found himself chasing after John. He glanced at his watch, surprised at how early it was. He decided he might as well try to capture some photos of their first sunrise here, since he probably won't be able to fall back asleep.
Bundled up against the morning cold, he took a short walk upstream, a short distance away from camp site. Satisfied with his vantage point, he clicked furiously away, just as the first rays of sunlight broke through the clouds over the mountains.
He noticed the crunching sound of the gravel stones, as someone approached behind him. "Morning!" He turned to greet the person, energised from the natural beauty around him. He certainly didn't expect that person to be John.
"Beautiful, isn't it?" John said, not really in particular to him, but still the first time they really spoke since their fallout in the infirmary.
Virgil just smiled and nodded, as he turned back to capture a few more shots. He didn't what else to say, it was like they were suddenly strangers, no longer having anything to say to one another.
"We should be heading back..." He started to walk back to camp, but slipped on a wet patch of rock. John instinctively grabbed onto Virgil, preventing his fall, pulling him towards himself to steady him. All a sudden, their bodies were dangerously close.
Virgil's heart pounded in his ears so loudly, he was sure it was echoing throughout the mountain range, as he stood there drowning in those familiar emerald eyes. He wanted nothing more than to wrap his grateful arms around John, and pull him in warm kiss.
"Guys! Guys! Scott's driving out to get us breakfast, hurry up, or you'd be left behind." Alan ran off again, not waiting for a response.
The magic of the moment now lost, Virgil slid out of John's hold and walked back to camp. He wasn't sure, but it almost looked as if he was disappointed too. Virgil mustered all the courage he had in him, walked back and held onto John's hand tightly, "Come on, breakfast's waiting."
John flushed pink in the face as he was lead by the hand towards the camp till he realised what he was doing, the scar along Virgil's arm down to the hand that held his… and jerked it out if it's grasp.
His heart was running like crazy, too many emotions at once all flooding back.
Virgil’s head turned, looking confused but John brushed past. “Hurry up slow. ...OH REALLY?” John stood in the middle of the camp, completely flabbergasted. “They bloody left without us!”
Virgil brushed it aside, laughing as he walked towards him. "They'd be back. Come on grumpy, I'd make us coffee and tea." Grateful, to be alone with John.
“Grumpy?” John mouthed, though Virgil was too preoccupied with making drinks. He put his hand over one of the cups. “None for me thanks. The less caffeine the better.”
After that beautiful sunrise and the almost kiss, not even John's grouchiness could sully Virgil's mood. "Well, look who rolled out of the wrong side of the sleeping bag this morning." He couldn't help teasing, as he sipped on his coffee.
“Yes well, you would be too if you woke up with a face full of Gordon's armpits.” John shuddered. “At least I no longer smell anymore. Maybe it's best we're here and not in that car with king skunk squished in between us.”
Virgil nearly choked at that last comment. He didn't know why, but he was finding this extremely blunt John really cute. He said nothing, still sipping on his coffee.
“Anyway I was thinking, there's several walking trails around here, bird wetlands walks...that sort of thing...would..would you like to go on one with me?” John shuffled his feet and his nose did a nervous wiggle. “You can take you paints, I can help carry your easel as I was going to find a shady spot somewhere to read a little…”
There it was again, that familiar feeling of butterflies that only came from John. "Yeah sure, I'd like that." Virgil got up, coffee forgotten, and hurried to gather his paints.
John breathed out hard to calm himself. That...was harder than when he lept at Virgil that night and kissed him. Why was he nervous? That's right….well baby steps to being a better brother. That's the least he could do… maybe all he could be.
He went to retrieve a book, and met Virgil in the middle of camp.
“No easel huh?”
Virgil shook his head, "I left that in the car, I'm afraid. 'Sides, the walk will be easier without it." He couldn't help casting a naughty wink in his direction.
John hesitated. Was Virgil implying something? Whatever…. He shook his head.
“Gordon suggested a trail that goes up to a cliff overlooking a forest canyon, thought that might be a good walk with a fantastic view to watch the day go by. Need help to carry anything?”
"Nah, I'm good. Let's go." It took every ounce of willpower in him, not to reach out to hold John's hand. No, he can't risk those feelings for him, not when he was finally speaking to him again.
John lead the way to the foot of the trail and as Virgil took the lead he wondered if this was such a good idea. The trail looked far steeper than he thought it would and he still had problems breathing when push came to shove. Last thing he wanted to do was become a burden halfway up. He looked up a blushed. Virgil was waiting for him to catch up.
Walking along the trail as it gradually climbed up around the mountain Virgil slowed down to point out different types of trees and plants, talk about their scientific names, whether they were native or introduced and any interesting facts in relation to them. John just nodded along - he knew absolutely diddly about nature unless it was related to the skies above. It was a rather refreshing perspective on the world around him he never had considered before.
When they reached the top of the trail they settled down on opposite ends of each other at the clearing, still keeping each other within sight. John sat under the shade of a tree with his book, while Virgil choose to bask in the mild sunlight, facing the mountains.
Virgil drank in the beauty of his surroundings, as he tried to replicate what he saw with his sketch pad and paints. Once ambidextrous, pausing frequently now for breaks, unable to use his broken wing of a right hand. He still had yet to regain full sensation in that arm, but he didn't mind. Like many things that had been left in their past, this was one of the last reminders that their love had even existed. He likened this scar to a memorial that beauty can exist in imperfection.
It took a while before he was finally satisfied, clutching his sketch pad, he turned to show John. They must have been there longer than he realised, cos his Brother had fallen asleep under the tree, his book still opened on his lap. He gathered his stuff, and went to sit beside him.
He picked up a small wildflower along the way, and used it to bookmark the page in John's book. As if sensing his presence, his head slumped onto Virgil's shoulder. He wondered what John was dreaming about, if he missed them, if his heart felt as empty as these arms that used to hold him close?
He felt like John had punched a hole in his paper heart, when he choose to throw them away. But even now, he couldn't fault him for it. After all he was the one who breathed impossible fantasies into John was and what he was trying to be for him...then his dramatic show of self harm had sealed their fate.
He decided then that even if John really didn't love him anymore, perhaps it was will be enough to be able to love him like this from afar from now. His forever spinning star, praying that he can be the singing satellite that patiently waits to guides him home.
The sun had been warm, even sitting in the shade. The calm, quiet surrounds were so beautiful… so welcoming that he couldn’t help himself by dozing off.
It had been a long time since he tasted real freedom, real safety and security like this. That was saying something as at one time, Thunderbird five was exactly the same as right now...his escape from everything that his life was turning into….a big sludgy bowl of porridge.
John stirred and shifted as the sun's warmth seemed hotter than before. Pulling himself out of his dreams of relaxing bliss he realised he was asleep against Virgil who was staring off into the views of the cliff top canyon, filled full of magnificent trees and animals.
“Did you finish your painting?” He asked, sleep still on the tip of his tongue. His voice was warm, just like the relaxed state his mind felt…. Safe on the inside.
Virgil smiled, appreciating their closeness. "Yeah, I did. Wanna see?" He didn't want to move, content to just stay here, soaking in the warmth of John's body resting against his.
Again, those mesmerizing emeralds bewitched him, and held him under a spell. He longed so much, to kiss him softly on those lips, to taste that lingering sweet tenderness he always left behind when they did. But he couldn't risk it. It took forever for John to be this close. He started to build a dam around his heart, forcing back the flood of emotions, if only to protect John from its force.
John nodded and watched Virgil retrieve the painting. It was more than just beautiful...it was breathtaking, just like the view. There wasn't any words to really describe how life like Virgil could capture images to a canvas. He frowned. The sky wasn't the same.
Then it hit him. They'd been gone all day. The sun was starting to set and they had a really long way back down. He got up in a rush, picked up all of Virgil's stuff and shouted, “Come on! They're going to wonder where we had gone!”
They started along the trail when John swore.
“Shit! I left my book up there! Hang on while I go get it!” he gave Virgil the things he was carrying to run back up the steep path.
“Don't leave without me Virgil!” he called back. “I don't want to get lost out here in the dark!” he slipped, caught himself and looked embarrassed before he ran back up to collect his book, a big dirty smear of mud down his bare leg.
Virgil laughed, watching the retreating figure of John. He leaned against a tree and lit a cigarette. The ashes glowed amber, in equal variants of the setting sun.
He started to hum a little tune, one that he had on loop for a while now.
You and me, we're like bumper cars
The more I try to get to you
The more we crash apart
Round and round we chase the sparks
But all that seems to lead to
Is a pile of broken parts
Good intentions, all these questions
I'm sitting alone
All roads since you are wrong directions
I'll never get home...
He heard the footsteps of John returning, and quickly stubbed out his cigarette.
John sniffed and his nose wrinkled. “Menthols? Virgil are you still smoking?”
"Come on, give me a break John. I'd try to quit..." He felt like he was five all over again, being caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
“Since when? Nevermind. Just don't cry to me if you get lung cancer.”
He
started walking in the direction he thought the trail went in the dark
and didn’t expect him to follow. John wasn't the right person to lecture
him on addiction anyway after how Virgil found him with his sex toys.
Throwing them away was the hardest thing to do as that had kept him
sane, even if it was sick and tragic that he was doing it.
A part of him wanted to buy more. Why should he stop his kinky behavior? It's not like anyone would care….
Except Virgil.
“Sorry Virgil, I'm the last person who should say -”
John was alone...surrounded by trees in the darkness.
He had gotten lost.
"Hey John, wait up!" Virgil tried to follow, but he couldn't keep up with John's long legs. "Wait, where did he go? Great... way to piss him off, Virge."
He tried to track John's position on his watch, but he wasn't having much luck having reception in these remote mountains. "Just fucking great..." He sighed, before heading towards the general direction where he thought he last saw John.
John swore under his breath. That was the problem with not getting off the island… you had absolutely no sense of direction. He’ll need to get everyone to watch out for Alan when he got back…. IF he got back.
He wasn't sure how long he wandered around for, but the temperature had dropped and it was not ideal to be wearing shorts and a thin t-shirt. He shivered. Hopefully Virgil made it back to camp by now and they were looking for him….maybe.
John had really pushed himself away this time so there was a chance they'd think he'd wandered off to be the lonely hermit of the hills for a while.
Seriously why was he such a fuck-
There was a rustle over to his left causing him to freeze. Didn't Gordon mention something about wolves roaming this mountain range?
He held his breath and slunk into the nearest tree.
Two large antlers moved from the brushwood and John sighed. It was just an elk….a rather big one.
And it had spotted him.
John started to run, didn't matter where to since he was lost anyway and a male elk of that size wasn't going to be stopped by anything unless it was say, a mountain lion.
There was a low hanging branch and he grabbed it, desperately climbing the tree until the elk rammed it. He held on until the creature gave up and moved on.
If his whole two weeks were going to be like this, he was going to wish he stayed home.
Virgil felt like he was walking around in circles, with no real way of telling otherwise. He lost his footing in the dark, and slid down a small slope. Thankfully, he landed safely. Two figures ran past him in the nearby distance, at least 1 of them seemed human.
He followed cautiously, and arrived just to see a large elk wandering off after chasing John up a tree.
Virgil walked up stopping at the base of the tree. He looked up and asked, "Well, you coming down? Or am I going to have to climb up there and fetch you?" He couldn't help laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation.
“Grow up Virgil. I can get myself down…” John’s foot slipped and he fell off the branch, landing on top of Virgil.
As he got up onto his elbows, their faces were now dangerously close. For what seemed like an eternity those brown eyes of Virgil's burned deep into his mind, his lips waiting for a kiss that John was too afraid to touch in fear he would draw blood from Virgil's body again.
Fuck it! He was NEVER going to get over the fact he was responsible for his brother's self destruction if he kept avoiding the fact they used to be sexually involved with each other for his entire life.
It had to stop now and there was only one way that was going to happen.
He kissed him.
For a few seconds John's mouth tasted of menthol tobacco, something that in all honesty felt like he had just tried to lick clean an ashtray.
It wasn’t pleasant, but that was hopefully going to be the last time he ever kissed him again.
John stood up hurriedly and brushed himself down and clicked his tongue when he saw a nice bloody graze down his right leg. Must have clipped a bush, as he didn't even feel it. Again - shorts in the mountains, never a good idea.
He wouldn't ever think about that last kiss…. He hoped. Maybe kissing him after he had been smoking will help him get over their failed relationship.
If not… then he was pretty admit Virgil needed to quit, not for him - but for any future lovers he may have.
"Wait..." Virgil said as he held onto John's elbow, he had noticed how John was shivering in the cold night air. Whether it was from the actual cold, or from that kiss, he didn't know.
Immediately he took off his own outer shirt, and threw it over his shoulders, rolling down the folded sleeves as he did so. "Here, it's not much. But it's still better than what you have on." He smiled.
Then he tore off a small strip of his cotton undershirt, and bent down to do his best to tie it around the bleeding graze.
As he rose, his heart suddenly going a million paces, he threw all caution and inhibition to the wind. Virgil flung himself against John, as he wrapped him in a passionate kiss, pushing them both into a crumple of leaves and grass on the forest floor.
"Damn you, and the power you hold over me..." He hissed, almost angrily at himself. This was probably going to shut down John's walls all over again. But he found he could no longer cared. "You feel like the moon that I always gravitate towards, you alone control my tides..."
Every part of him called out to John, begging not to push him away. God, he needed this so desperately. He felt like he was parched and dry, and that kiss John gave was like being finally lead to the water's edge.
John wrestled with his hands and pushed Virgil off him, rolled, got up and broke into a run.
No no no, not again! He couldn't...what the hell had he been thinking? He should never have done that… especially when he thought Virgil was over him.
He shouldn't have made assumptions.
He couldn't bring himself to talk to Virgil like a human being after how he found him in the round house. How do you talk to you ex lover after something as shameful as that? If anything...Virgil should have dropped him like a stone in the bottom of the beautiful canyon he painted. He couldn't cope himself let alone dare to find out how Virgil thought about the whole thing.
After running in some pointless direction till his legs were sore he stopped and slumped against a tree. He would have broken down in tears if it wasn't for the foul smell that was near his feet.
He had stepped in the ribcage of a deer carcass….the kill was still fresh.
There was a mountain lion in the prowl somewhere in these woods and he left Virgil all alone.
FUCK!
John shook the dead animal off and ran in what he hoped was the direction he came. He'd never forgive himself if his brother was killed by a big puma...he already had too much guilt in regards to Virgil, he couldn't afford more.
Virgil didn't even bother getting up, after John ran off. He was exhausted, maybe it was time to finally throw in the towel. He wanted nothing more than to sleep it off, right there and then.
A crunch of leaves sounded nearby, "Not now please, John. Just go away." Silence. "What the fuck do you want?" Virgil almost yelled, sitting up. That's when he saw the huge form of a mountain lion.
He looked to his surroundings, trying to decide if he should try to climb up the nearest tree or make a run for it. No, a cat that big can easily scale up a tree and trying to outrun a mountain lion, who was he trying to kid?
Maybe that thing about laying still around bears, would work with a cat too? It sounded stupid, but it was worth a shot. At least, he decided, if the cat mauled him to death, he'd finally be free of this fucking misery.
He laid back down, not daring to close his eyes, and barely found himself breathing. The cat strolled over, taking its time, sniffing. As if trying to decide if Virgil was worth the time and effort. It came dangerously close to his face and he shut his eyes, feeling its breath on him. He just hope his end would be swift. Strangely, the cat seemed bored, snorted in his face as if displeased and walked away.
He waited till the sounds of its footsteps faded before he allowed himself to breathe again. He had it with these stupid mountains and lions. He just wanted to reach base camp and crawl into his sleeping bag. Virgil realized he left his paints and sketch pad behind but he didn't have the energy to go back for them. He just got up and walked. Where, he didn't exactly care.
John ran through the undergrowth until he could make out someone in the distance. By the determination in how they ploughed through the forest, it had to be Virgil.
John lept through the scrub as fast as he could until his had his arms flung around him tight. “You're ok! I'm sorry I won't do that again!”
There was a strange resistance to his embrace and when he let go he saw the scowl across Virgil’s face, all the more menacing in the dark.
"Piss off, John" Virgil growled, storming off.
“But Virgil….” he let his voice die out. What was the point? All he did was keep running away. He deserved everything he got.
John tossed Virgil’s top onto the ground. He didn’t deserve to be warm after all he did.
John walked off the other direction until he ended up in a clearing….there wasn’t a single campfire in sight. All he could make out was deer and a few elk eating the grass in the safety of the moonlit sky.
He sunk to his knees and began to cry.
"Christ..." Virgil found himself retracing his steps back to John, if only driven by the common sense that neither of them was safe in the woods alone. He spotted his discarded shirt on a path headed to a clearing, and sighed as he picked it up. Up ahead John sat there, shoulders shaking with silent tears.
He didn't say anything as he flopped beside him, gently draping his shirt back on his shoulders. Drained, he laid flat out on his back, admiring the bright stars above.
“I’m sorry… so very very sorry.” John kept mumbling under the tears. They were not going to stop. “I’ve screwed everything up...I always screw everything up… I’m the shittiest brother to everyone I don’t deserve to be here, I don’t deserve to be anywhere near you...sometimes I wish it was me that disappeared and not dad.” the cold wind blew through the clearing and he shivered violently this time, despite the shirt on his shoulders. It was never this bad on the island…. And he wore such a thick suit in space he never noticed it. The chill here was something else.
Virgil sighed, not sure what to do. After all, everything he said and did up to this point, just seemed to make things worse. He no longer understood the constant storm of emotions that was John Tracy. All he could offer him right now, was the reassurance of his warm hug.
John wrapped his arms around him tight, crying into his shirt. He didn’t care anymore if Virgil saw that he was a mess. He couldn’t deal with this on his own… he needed someone, anyone to just cling to so he could pull himself together.
"You know... you don't have to do this all on your own..." Who was he kidding? He could never give up on John, no sooner than the world around him would run of colours to shine with.
John wasn’t sure how long he held onto him. Right now he couldn’t let him go….well he thought that until he heard Virgil’s stomach rumble. Neither of them had eaten since the night before.
He stood up shakily and took Virgil’s hand, this time not hesitating or flinching away and pulling him to his feet. “Let’s find camp… together.” this time, he held on, not wanting to let go.
It took them longer than they expected to find the route back to base camp in the dark, not that they minded, enjoying the comfortable silence between them. They approached the rest, chatting happily by a large fire, grilling the day's catch for dinner.
Scott approached them, "Took you guys long enough to return. I was ready to call in the rangers..." he trailed off, noticing that they were holding hands. He choose not to say anything *yet*, as he walked away, rolling his eyes as he did so.
Virgil was more than happy for John to lead them to sit by the fire, as they tucked into their first meal of the day.
Gordon gave them both a smile as if he knew they were back together again….it couldn't have been further from the truth, but no one was going to say anything otherwise.
The next day, at the first opportunity he got, Scott pulled Virgil aside. "Hey? I was wondering, how about you and me do some fly fishing further up stream?"
"Sure. I was going to look for the paints I left behind yesterday, but I guess I can wait."
“Great!” he slapped Virgil playfully on the shoulder. “I’ll grab the kits!” he walked over to where he kept the fishing rods and gear and spotted John talking to Kayo, helping her plat her hair. He hovered a minute admiring how beautiful she was with her hair out, then grabbed everything to go fishing.
Virgil hung around close to the river bank, skipping rocks along the surface of the river, while he waited for Scott. He hoped Scott wasn’t going to try and talk to him about John. Hell, even he didn’t know what was going between them. He had thought about how they had kissed, only to have John run off, and yet they had walked back to camp hand in hand. To say he was confused would be the understatement of the year. He was grateful to put aside those thoughts, as Scott walked up with the equipment, giving him a playful punch on the shoulder as he did so.
Scott handed him a fly rod with a weak smile. “The lure should be ok, I used it yesterday. Stay on the bank off the rocks and you'll be fine. He moved a little bit away to give Virgil room to toss out his line.
It was beautiful, breathtaking and above else peaceful. No alarms, no shouting, just endless bliss.
“Hey, Virgil...what do you think..about Kayo and I…. Having kids?”
Virgil was thrown off by this sudden question. “That’d be amazing. At least one of us gets to have a chance of living out a somewhat normal life. Why? Is she?”
“Was.” Scott sighed heavily as he cast his reel back out. “I'm not sure anymore. I don't think I was supposed to find out.”
“I’m sorry…” He wasn’t entirely sure what to say. He had been so angry at Scott recently, he forgot that his eldest brother had his fair share of demons that he carried. “Have you talked to her about what happened?”
“About the baby that may no longer exist or our relationship as a whole?” Scott looked sad. “We had a fight… I found out afterwards when I saw the test kit in the trash bin of her room…. More than one infact.”
“And you just assumed that she what, decided to go for an abortion without telling you? Come on Scott, have more faith in Kayo. She probably thinks you’re still in the dark about the whole thing. Don’t go off assuming the worse about everything. She needs you in her corner right now.”
“Virgil… that's just it...I found papers and all sorts on those clinics there too. It's not me making things up, Virgil. Everytime I try to bring it up...she just brushes me away.” Scott seemed really worried.
“I'd make an ok dad, wouldn’t I? I mean..I try to be a good brother don't I? I always try do do what's best for everyone, right Virgil?”
“Woah, slow down there Scooter. Those papers don’t mean she actually went through with the procedure… And yes, you’d make a great father. You’re a wonderful brother, you did what you could for all of us. But let’s face it, the road to hell is often paved with good intentions…” Virgil threaded carefully, feeling like he was the wrong brother for this conversation.
“I guess so. I have been a little harsh on everyone lately…. By the way you seem happier of late… I guess no more thoughts of.. you know… cutting yourself…”
“What I did was crazy and extreme, I know that now. You don’t have to worry, it won’t happen again. I’m sorry for putting you all through that, especially for Alan and Gordon to see me like that”
Scott nodded. “Alan and Gordon were terrified… I was pretty scared,so was Kayo and Brains….” there was more, but Scott knew Virgil probably knew the rest. Scott had plenty of time to think about what John had did - while extreme - was slowly realising exactly why he broke down the way he had. Scott still thought it was disgusting, but watching Virgil be happier than ever made him think his interference was warranted... but at the same time even though he spent more time with John on missions to give the others a break John completely withdrew from all his worries and annoying Scott about the younger boys… like he had died.
There was hope… he caught him talking to Gordon on the first night here and even though he wasn't impressed with him holding hands with Virgil last night, he admittedly was happy to see a smile on the face of his taller sibling… and now he was talking to Tanusha so maybe wounds were healing while away from home.
“Look Virgil.. what I said about you and John…” he took a deep breath as this was hard for him to say let alone think. “ I may have been a bit harsh….but I was right to tell you to stop it… I mean… from my point of view knowing my two eldest younger brothers….together like that…. It's a tragic thought that it is maybe my fault that you've both ended up in love with each other...one that I have to put right…. Heck I will fly you both out to gay nightclubs if it helps you meet people… I -I just want my brothers back to normal….as brothers…”
Virgil groaned internally, there was that one topic he was dreading. 5 minutes and 32 seconds, he noted as he glanced at his watch. It must have been a new record for Scott to take this long to broach this subject with him. He wanted nothing more than to drop the matter, but he knew he knew he owed his oldest brother an explanation, especially when he was trying to be so understanding about it.
“It doesn’t work like that, Scotty. Just because I slept with John, and that I have all these crazy feelings for him, it doesn’t make me gay. Please don’t blame John for what happened either, it wasn’t his fault. I was the one who started it, I pushed him into the whole thing. He was just reacting…” He sighed, this was more difficult than he cared to admit.
“Don’t worry, you don’t have to do anything. I’m pretty sure it’s over between the both of us. I’d try to be a better brother, it won’t happen again.”
“For you maybe if that's how you feel. I will have to for John though...he worries me. You know dad was called to his university over rumours about him being the school bike, right? It's sort of half true… but more like the guys he was with took advantage of him and spread rumours around the campus. He was lucky to graduate but since he was doing the work for people he thought loved him….but they took the work that he did produce into consideration when they learned what was truly his. Dad was pretty disappointed that he was gay… but I never held it against him…. Except for maybe this.”
Scott looked rather sad. “If you weren't my brothers… it'd be different. I'd be happy for you…. But now you've told me that you didn’t really swing that way and that you instigated it…. I don't know what to think, except that maybe I've said things to John that he didn't deserve.” Scott out the fishing pole down and sat on the bank, head in his hands.
Eventually he looked up. “Don't you ever tell John about what you just told me, is that clear? After everything I've said to him about this…. Knowing that you are straight will destroy him.” Scott swore loudly. “Fuck I'm a shit older brother sometimes.”
"Yeah, I know about his college days. Dad wasn't exactly withholding his disapproval regarding the whole situation. But the thing you must understand about people, is that we all have the capacity inside to change for the better. It isn't going to be easy for John to fall out of habit. God knows it's like me and my cigarettes. Sometimes it's just easier to burn, than it is to heal." Virgil sighed."But don't we owe him that much, if not as his brothers, then as his teammates? How many times have we gone to him after a mission to offload emotionally on him, and never once asking how he was coping with the same?"
"Just because we've been abusing him in a different way, doesn't make what we did right." He added. "And don't you believe for a second that you're a horrible big brother, you're not half as bad as you make yourself out to be. It's just that we tend to challenge you on an almost daily basis and how you juggle it all that on your plate without breaking, is a fucking miracle in itself."
Scott snorted and a smiled a little.
“If it was that easy with John… it'd be fantastic. The damage has been done though, I doubt there's much to salvage between us. That's where I've failed, not just as a team mate, but as a brother and a friend.” he chuckled. “You know I expected both him and Alan to make a run for it the second we got out here? They don't ever get off the island as much as you and Gordon do. Freedom after the way I've treated everyone would be hard to resist after all of that.” he stood up and picked up his rod to recast his line. “Wouldn't have blamed you and Gordon for walking away either.”
He stood there in silence for a few more casts until something pulled on his line. “Hey Virgil, can you pass me the net? I think I've caught something.”
Virgil scrambled for the net, the excitement of such a big catch put a temporary pause in their conversation, as they focused their attention on securing lunch.
He made a mental note to talk to Scott another time, if only to make him realize the unnecessary pressure he put on himself. Lord knows they were now old enough to shoulder some of that responsibility.
When they got back to camp Scott dropped all the kit in surprise. There, in the middle of camp sat the most beautiful sight he had ever seen.
Kayo was all dressed in autumn colours, and had flowers through her hair.
Like in a dream, Scott walked over as she stood and without words, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her. Scott had only ever seen her in her usual blues, her uniform and of course, naked…. But right now she was the most magical thing he'd ever laid eyes on.
In the distance, Alan, Gordon and John we giving each other high fives. A good part of their morning had been Alan picking flowers and making daisy chains, John doing her hair and makeup and Gordon helping her with her outfit . They we so pleased that all that effort paid off.
Virgil went off to show Alan how to clean and gut the fish, Gordon got the fire ready and Scott with his arm still around Kayo went for a private walk along one of the many trails.
John finished stuffing things into his backpack in the tent. While everyone was busy he left camp, with all his gear and started heading along the road they drove down to get to the highway. With any luck he should be walking along the road towards a township somewhere before nightfall, hitchhike his way some random direction and start fresh….
Seeing how happy Kayo and Scott were…. John realised that Virgil should have that too and not be forever tied to him. Maybe he'd find someone too? Ok so his love life was the pits, but maybe… if he got to start again he'd find someone and make it work?
It was dark when he reached the highway. He set off along the road heading towards the bigger mountains, never looking back.
Gordon walked up to Virgil, “Hey big guy, has anyone seen John? He just disappeared.”
Virgil shrugged, “I haven’t seen him since Scott and I got back from fishing.”
“Well, but at least you guys are back together again huh?”
He
frowned, “And where did you get that idea, Gords? He’s hardly even
speaking to me… like he can’t even stand to be in my presence.”
Gordon looked at Virgil in shock. "You mean to tell me you NOT back together? Shit and here I thought... Fuck! I've been talking to him like you were a couple again all day! No wonder he's gone! I've got to help you find him!" He ran off in the direction of the car.
He figured John couldn’t have set off more than an hour ago, hoping he could find him and somehow fix this. As he started the car, he remembered seeing a small pub on the way here, thinking he should start looking from there.
He thought about how John had talked him down from the balcony that day, how he had told him about the ways he loved Virgil. Their love had gave him a hope that maybe he could try to work things out between him and Penny too. God, he didn’t understand why these two fools kept pushing themselves apart, when they were clearly meant for each other? After hearing both of them talk at length about each other, he wasn’t going to let them throw something this special away.
As he pulled up into the pub’s driveway, praying to God John was really here. True enough, as he walked in, there was his brother sitting forlornly at the bar counter, with a pint of beer untouched in front of him.
“So… you come here often?” Gordon teased, as he slid into the seat beside him.
“Shit! Gordon what are you doing here?!” John hissed.
Gordon just shrugged, "I could ask you the same thing myself..."
John smirked. “What does it look like squiddy?”
A lady placed a plate of steak, chips and vegetables in front of him and he gave her a smile.
"Shit, enough with this beating around the bush. Why did you bolt on us, John?"
“Why do you think I'm doing a runner? I'm sick of pretending everything is fine. Caged animals in a zoo have lives sweeter than mine and if I stay here here death will stretch out for eternity.”
"Well, isn't that what you're doing right now? Running away from us, from Virgil? God, I swear you can be so dense sometimes. Since when do we throw away something just because it stops working? You fix it, together as a unit, and come away stronger for it. Don't you think that you owe Virgil that much, in the very least?"
“Gordon, I don't think I can fix this. No matter what…. I end up hurting him. It's torturing me...it's murdering him. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.”
John shoveled some of the vegetables into his mouth. “I love him but I don't want to hurt him, but if we keep this up he will think I'm using him but that's if he doesn't smother me to death first under this fake image he has of me.”
John slid the beer over so Gordon could have it. He didn't need to add booze into his current mess.
“Virgil is…. He’s like…..the air in my lungs...every breath needs, wants, demands more as it uses that affection to pump that love… that feeling of special belonging around the body, beating in and out of the heart. But he's our brother Gordon. My feelings for him are immoral and beyond what they should be for a sibling…. But the more I hide them the more I want to tell the world because I don't want to keep him a secret. I don't care if it's wrong…. But I don't want to lose Virgil because it is according to everyone else, hell to society in general… and keeping it out of the public view is what's killing us. We should be like any other couple and be able to show how much we love each other in the open…. But that will never be possible.”
John poked the meat and took a bite, then slid the plate over in front of Gordon. He had lost what little appetite he had.
“I don't want to go back to being alone, walled up in space forever without ever coming down or experiencing the warmth of human interaction …. But I also don't want to end up in the same place I was in university, that was not a good place - people abused me and other horrible things… because I'm desperate to feel something in my miserable heart.”
“Have you asked Virgil what he thinks about all this? Surely, he gets a say in this too? You can’t just assume things are going to be changing for the better, if you’re not going to at least talk to him about it. Maybe he doesn’t want to keep what you guys have a secret? I mean, why should you guys have to? Since when has what other people’s opinions mattered so much to you anyway?” Gordon slurped the beer. “The way I see it, a relationship should be strictly between two people. Nothing and no one else should matter, simple as that. Have you thought that maybe you’re the one who’s overthinking this whole thing, over complicating the whole situation?”
“If Virgil is as good for you as you say he is, and how you need him that badly in your life too, why are you denying your heart the right to this good thing you have together? Why are you choosing to condemn this relationship, before you guys even have a chance to start?” he cut a big piece of meat and then paused. “Are you sure you can't eat this?”
“It's still mooing, Gordon. I like my meat burnt and not bleeding.” John smiled. “You're right too… I'm over thinking it. I also have a pretty good idea what Virgil might say. That night we got lost in the woods…. I kissed him and well….I'm pretty sure if his hands pinning me to the leaf litter in the dark and hunting under my shirt for me didn't scream his feelings out loud then I'm fucking blind.”
John then sighed. “I panicked and ran then too. I wasn't ready, that kiss was to test me and see if I was over him….and I'm not….he isn't either, but because I ran -” John let out a snort. “He may not want me back. Why should he? There's so many things he expects me to share…. But I know that I can't. That's not how you have a relationship. You need to be open, I just…. There's stuff I never want anyone to know let alone him… is that wrong to keep people I love safe?”
“Well…” Gordon said, in between chews. “Didn’t you say that Virgil has this fake image of you? Maybe if you choose to let him in, share your demons, it’d help him to humanize you too in that head of his, and help knock this image of you that he seems to have placed high on a fucking pedestal.”
“A relationship is not all rainbows and butterflies 24/7. It’s about being there for each other in the bad times too. And yeah, maybe he doesn’t want you back after everything you keep doing to push him again. But how about respecting Virgil enough to let him decide for himself instead of making that decision for the both of you?”
“I tried that, Gordon. That's what put him in the infirmary.” John's expression darkened. “ I want to let him in… but he kinda proved to me he couldn't cope with something I asked for his trust and support with. There is some monsters that stay locked away for everyone’s benefit, you of all people know that Gordon. I'm sure if Penelope knew all your demons she’d wonder what the hell she got herself into. Occasionally there's some shit you have to deal with yourself and hope someone is able to catch you if you stumble. Not everyone is capable of that.”
He patted Gordon on the shoulder. “I understand where you are coming from, but some things should be left to lie. I don't think you want everyone knowing about your little ‘episode’ and I don't think everyone needs to know about Virgil's or mine… not because we don't want them to, but because we're protecting them from something we want to forget ourselves.”
“I think I've made my mind up though.” he said kissing Gordon in the forehead. “Finish up and we’ll go back to camp. That walk was something I needed and thankyou for listening to me voice somethings I had to outloud… stuff I don't honestly think Virgil would have been ready for. In time maybe but it's too early to dump so much on the shoulders of a lover who is just as new as you are in a relationship.”
The drive back to camp was quiet, but nevertheless calm. Gordon was happy John was ok and John was busy thinking about what shit he was about to be in when they arrived.
The car pulled up and they got out, straight away Virgil was quick to come over looking a mixture of fury and worry. John had made up his mind… Virgil- hell everyone in the camp - was going to see this and if he was still in the dog house, then so be it.
He grabbed Virgil’s shirt with ease, his height a clear advantage as he pulled him in to kiss him passionately, right in front of all his brothers and Kayo.
John held onto Virgil tight when he pulled away and pressed their foreheads together while tears dripped on both their shirts, John unable to bottle his feelings anymore.
“I love you more than the universe and all its billions of galaxies hell, when I'm with you stars burst into life, suns burn brightly and planets spin…. You're the wild untamed winds that give life to the ocean, that carve and shape canyons and makes mountains sing.”
“I know no matter what happens I've realised I will hurt you… if I let you go or if I fight for the privilege to keep you close to my heart.... there will always be something that will cause you pain… but if it's for the right reasons then I… I'm willing to take the chance that it might not turn out that way...I'm tired of thinking I can run from how much I love you and how wrong this whole thing is… I don't care anymore as long as I have you, Virgil… that's all that matters to me.”
He squeezed his shoulders and sniffed, but the tears were still coming, cascading like a waterfall.
“I will always be here, even if you decide you want a normal relationship with someone else, I will understand. I only want to see you happy and I will be ready if that time comes. I will never stop loving you no matter what you choose, now or in future.”
He looked into Virgil's eyes, hoping that those beautiful warm gazes would at least give him an answer. If all this got thrown away John knew he'd be crushed… but it would be over and John could just be erased from their lives once Thunderbird five was in operation however he at least had to try, no matter how scared the prospect of never setting foot on the earth again maybe. At least… in space sexual desires didn't happen...so he'd get over it in time.
His life was a disaster, but it was his and the world could just this once kiss his arse and let him be happy, no matter how messed up the idea of him and Virgil was.
“If you will still have me, I want to start again...from scratch and take things slow, like holding hands, spending time with you and who knows? Maybe things will blossom into something beautiful from there. The point is I want to try again, from the beginning...and I want to be a real couple...go on dates with you to the movies and have dinner in fancy restaurants… spoil you with things of beauty like trips to Niagara Falls, the cherry blossom trails in Japan or the magnificent out back of Australia… hell I'd book out every hotel room in the world's tallest tower in Dubai just so you and I can be alone to enjoy the view.”
He kissed him softly on the lips, no hesitation, no holding back.
“I love you more than life and existence itself. I will always wait for you, even if you no longer love me back.”
There was sniffling...Gordon had grabbed hold of Alan and was crying but had a happy smile on his face.
“That was fucking beautiful….”
“Wait, John is in love with Virgil?”
“Shhh Alan! I want to hear what Virgil says!”
"I needed time to sort out not just my head, but my heart....and work out what I truly wanted... and what I want is you." John breathed out, feeling better it was off his chest.
Virgil flung his arms around John’s neck, tears of his own streaming down his face, he had heard all he ever needed to know. “Thank you… You have no idea how much I needed to hear those words to come from your own mouth, not just on a piece of paper.”
“There’s no point in trying to erase you from my life, how can I when every single word that’s ever left your lips, had left its fingerprint on me? My body a mere road map of all the places you’ve been. “ He said, burying his head into John’s neck.
“Right now, all I have left is a second hand heart. It’s a little banged up, but it’s still beating strong with a lot of good love to give. So, if you don’t mind that it’s not brand new, I’d like to take this second hand heart and give it to you…” With that, he kissed John with all the passion he dared.
“Awwwww!” Gordon squeezed Alan tight. “It's so beautiful!”
“Gordon! You're starting to crush me!”
There was a slow clapping. “I was wondering how long it'd last. What am I supposed to do with the both of you?”
John stood tall and held his ground. “Accept us, Scott. That's all we want you to do.”
Scott frowned, you could see there was a battle going on inside him. “One has to be really stupid not to see that the two of you are way happier together than you are apart…” He couldn’t believe what he was going to say, “Just no public displays around me, ok? I’m still trying to wipe the idea of the two of you fucking each other's brains out from my head.”
“Ok, that’s enough. I think they both get and appreciate your understanding, Scott.” Kayo chimed in, slightly tugging on his sleeve, to stop him from going off.
“Come here, all of you. Group hug.” Scott smiled, as he gathered his whole family into a tight grip.
It was still dark when John slipped into Virgil and Gordon's tent.
“Shhh.” he held a finger to Virgil's lips as he stirred. “Quietly grab some clean clothes, put them in your backpack and something to eat. We're going to do something fun.”
Virgil did as he was told and met John as he was stepping out if his tent still dressed in the baggy jumper and short shorts he wore to bed. He gave one last glance inside, ducking in to give Alan back his teddy to cuddle. After Scott and Kayo reconciled, Alan and her swapped tents so instead of talking about baby things with Kayo, John ended up singing Alan songs till he fell asleep.
Between munches of a muesli bar he said, “I overheard someone in town talking about a very lovely trail near here with something really beautiful at the end of it you’ll like.” he was gentle in taking Virgil by the hand and lead him away from camp, a mischievous smile on his face.
Virgil frankly didn't matter where they were going, as long as John never let go of his hand again. They walked along the bush quietly, with Virgil chewing noisily on his apple, camera bouncing along the strap on his neck.
It was just beginning to creep into sunrise, the honey light dribbling over the mountains and trees by the time john stopped at a secluded hidden pool area at the base of a small trickling waterfall.
“ I'm not sure how deep it is,” he said with a sly smile. “but I'm willing to find out.”
he dropped his pack unceremoniously, stripping down to his birthday suit and stepping into the cold water until it was at his shoulders.
“Ok I can just touch the bottom…. you coming in or what?”
Virgil took off his clothes as well, and jumped into the water. "Argh, it's so cold!"
John laughed. “That's the whole point.” he dived under and resurfaced further into the pool. “oh wow that's - that's pretty deep!”
Virgil swam over "Hey, how about you help warm me up here?" He teased, teeth chattering from the cold.
John dived under again and waited till Virgil was in range above him. in water this deep his brother was going to be hard pressed to see him till he started to surface.
John was known to have Scott's leadership and stubbornness, Virgil's love and compassion but he also had Alan's desire for fun along with Gordon's sense of humour.... Virgil was about to learn however; that he also shared Gordon's lung capacity. John had previously had a few accidents on thunderbird five enough times to learn that he could survive another five extra minutes without oxygen - important information when your life is on the line.
he surfaced quickly and pulled Virgil under, then kissed him under the water to give him some of his air, enough for them both to resurface. John dived back under while Virgil was trying to work out what happened, only to resurface near the trickle of water by the falls.
"Ok, now you're just teasing me, you beautiful MerMan." Virgil swam over to where John was under the waterfall, and gave him a few playful kisses of his own.
John laughed and touched a finger to Virgil's lips before diving under again. Under the surface he ran his fingers along Virgil’s body and then started playing with him using his mouth down below. Sex in water doesn't work unless it's in the movies, but that doesn't mean you can't feel someone’s mouth and tongue at work underwater.
Eventually he came up for air. Ok he was under a little too long then, he grabbed onto Virgil around the shoulders as he gulped for oxygen for a few seconds. “Remind me to only do that in the shower.”
Virgil laughed, as he pinned John to the rock wall behind him, showering him with playful, gentle kisses. "My turn..." he snarled, diving to the waters below. He took him with his mouth, warming him his tongue from the cold waters, then gently blowing bubbles to tickle and tease him further. "Fuck! That was harder than I thought." He said, as he resurfaced. "I see what you mean now. Now? Where were we?" Kissing him again, he shivered not from the cold, but from the rushing joy of adrenaline that only came from kissing the love of his life, in a setting as perfect and beautiful as this.
"This must be what heaven is like..." he said, when their lips finally parted. "I love you, you know?"
John smiled and it looked devious. “Ditto.” then he splashed the water into Virgil with as much might as he could and dived under again only to resurface and flip Virgil backwards into the water, laughing like a big kid as he did so. Man, that felt good. It was rare he felt so childish and he really missed it.
"Oh yeah? I'd show you!" Virgil swam over and shoved them both underwater. He didn't remember the last time he saw John so free of his usual inhibitions, this new spontaneous John was something else.
They surfaced together, he hugged him from behind, legs wrapped around his waist, as he playfully began to nibble and suck on his earlobes. It felt like there were the only beings in the mountains, and he never wanted to leave.
John squirmed like a little child as he laughed uncontrollably. Sometimes this was all he really wanted, someone to muck around with and Virgil was more than happy to play his silly games. Being all slippery allowed him to wiggle free and dive away from Virgil's grasp.
He resurfaced at the pool's edge and pulled himself out, drying his hands before grabbing Virgil's camera.
In the water, the light reflected magically off the pool giving him the most wonderful opportunity to take photos of Virgil, lying on his back in the water and slicking his hair back under the trickle of the falls.
He made a mental note to get those pictures off Virgil later.
Virgil
got out of the water, and grabbed John as he spun him in a silly
twirling dance. Singing one of his favorite Shakespeare sonnet, to a
tune he was working on recently.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed,
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course untrimmed:
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
Nor shall death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st,
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.
They danced together like this for some time, with Virgil reciting Shakespeare to made up tunes, pausing occasionally to take some silly selfies with the camera.
“Hold on one sec!” John grabbed Virgil by the shoulders to calm them both down. “I've got something special for you.”
He rummaged through his bag until he found a little box. John may not be an artist like Virgil, but he was good at one craft that when he felt inspired gave him the desire to work with silver. Hopefully Virgil still loved his bird more than John himself.
“Turn around.” John indicated with his hand till Virgil's back was facing him. He then wrapped the silver pendent of Thunderbird two he had made around Virgil's collar and clipped the silver chain before kissing him on the cheek.
“I made this for you before we broke up. I never got a chance to give it to you.”
John kissed Virgil, snaking his hands around his front and running his fingers down his chest and along to his belly button.
He started kissing his shoulders and running his hands back up to Virgil's chest through the light smatterings of dark hair which adorned it when an alarm sounded from his bag.
“Shit, I forgot it's my turn to go fishing with Scott. Seriously if I eat another fish on this trip I'm going to be sick when we get back.”
He kissed Virgil and smiled. “You won’t be alone for long anyway.” he indicated to above the falls where he could see two grinning faces near the edge.
“Gordon and Alan know about this place too.” he laughed softly and gave him another kiss before going to dry off and get dressed.
***
Later on while everyone was listening to Gordon
tell silly stories around the campfire, Scott noticed Virgil had
wandered off a little way away.
Scott sighed. After fishing with John and talking about being a dad - something he knew now was a definite possibility he had come to realise that as long as Virgil and John's relationship stayed within the family and was not going to affect any of his potential offspring it was going to be fine to leave them alone. Sure it was going to take a very long time for him to get the image of them having sex with one another out of his head, but after talking about it at length to Kayo and now with John… it might be something he could start to deal with. Kayo had a few good points about it and talking to John made him start to think that it may do the both of them more good to let nature take its course.
There was one thing John had told him that bothered him… one that Scott was more than happy to agree with.
Scott took the packet of cigarettes out of Virgil’s hand and crushed them.
“This has to stop. Not just for your health, but because you're going to have a niece or nephew in seven months.”
He gave Virgil a smile. “If I can let your relationship with John slide, you can do this one favor for me.” he started to walk back when he stopped and turned. “Make that two. Kayo won't tell me which but there's going to be two sets of little hands and feet in seven months. I want my brothers to be able to see them grow up with me… as heaven knows I'm going to need all the help I can get. I've already got John to promise me he's going to start looking after himself too, that goes ditto for Gordon and Alan as I know I'm going to need help from all of you when I'm floundering around blind when the time comes.”
Virgil raised his brows in shock, before grabbing his Brother in a tight hug. "That's wonderful news, Scott! Consider it done. I've been trying to quit anyway, not even smoking the darn thing sometimes."
“Good.” Scott carefully peeled himself out if his brothers death grip. “I also gave you and John full permission to turn the round house into your own private penthouse so you can move both your stuff in there…. no one visits to use it anyway.” he brushed himself down. “In one way you're lucky it's John who's in love with you… that bastard can drive a fucking hard bargain when he wants to.”
"Gee Scott..." He said as he rubbed the back of his head. "I don't know what to say. This means a lot coming from you, I know how hard this is for you to accept. Thank you..."
“Don't thank me, thank your ‘lover’.” Scott winced. “John's the mastermind with the silver tongue here.”
Virgil laughed, as he picked up the discarded cigarettes. "Oh, don't give me that look. I'm just going to bin it, wouldn't want to trash such a pretty place. Say, we're not going to have fish for lunch again, are we?" he pleaded, as they walked back.
Scott shook his head. “whatever we caught was too small. There is rules on what you can catch after all. Actually, there is something you can do - Help John give Alan and Gordon their iron injections Brains has demanded they have. Last time Alan bit me and Gordon was too enthusiastic to stick the needle into the wrong spot on John's arm. Until Brains clears all of them from anemia they're going to get them once a week. The low blood pressure thing he's working on hopefully will be good for all of us, but for now this is helping them all get better.” he seemed a little happier with that thought.”Wish I did something about it sooner, but can't have everything.”
"Oh, you know I'm going to enjoy that just a tad bit much." He laughed, with an evil twinkle in those brown eyes.
Later that afternoon two vans pulled up to the campsite, Virgil ran over and took the reins of four horses from the owner. He was planning to take John, Gordon and Alan riding nearby. He couldn't wait to show them off to John.
"Er Virgil, what are those doing here?" John asked nervously, as Virgil walked up leading the horses. Alan and Gordon were already arguing which horse would be theirs.
"Horses, silly. We're going riding with Allie and Gords." His face fell when he saw the apprehension in John's eyes.
"There is no way I'm getting on one of those. With my luck, I'd probably have to get airlifted out of here after I break my neck from the fall."
Virgil laughed at John's dramatic reaction, it put a slight damper on his romantic plan, but it seriously didn't matter as long as they were together. "Ok ok, I'd stay behind at camp with you and Kayo. I'd get Scott to go with The Terrible Twos."
As the trio climbed on their horses, Virgil told Scott, "I got the owners to pack a picnic, it's in your saddle side pouch. Don't let those two get over excited that they forget to eat."
"Yes Mother." Scott laughed, as the three of them turned to the trial ahead. Virgil could just make out Alan's panicked voice asking, "Hey guys, how do you steer this thing again?"
Kayo and John were sitting by camp table, talking. Virgil had barely sat down, when John asked, "Hey Virgil, wanna read a book in my tent?" as he gave him a naughty wink.
Well, that didn't take long. he thought as he laughed.
“Hey Kayo you alright for a few?” John asked.
She laughed. “Go, I'll call you if I need you. You might not get much of a chance to have time together until we get back with the other family activities Scott has planned.”
“Oh I'm sure I'm ok to talk my way out if some. This is supposed to be relaxing and fun, not torture on the body.” John grinned.
“Oh I'm sure you will.” Kayo gave them both a knowing smile, as they handed back to John's tent, hand in hand.
“What was all that about?”
“She not only thinks the idea of us is sweet, she thinks it's a turn on. Don't ever tell Scott that, might mess with his head.” John winked.
Inside the tent John hugged Virgil tight. “Just you and me, perfect alone time.”
He kissed Virgil softly, wanting to take all the time in the world - to make just being together last forever. Even if they only got as far as making out he was perfectly fine with that. Parts of him still remembered vividly what he had done to himself and he was sure that he wasn't going to be able to let Virgil inside… not until he was sure he wasn’t going to bleed on him. He could remember how hard Virgil was and the skinny dip this morning was also a reminder if how big and wide Virgil was down there… things that John was aware his body was not ready to physically take yet.
He let Virgil's hands wander, exploring his body while he lightly did the same, never letting Virgil’s lips away from his, those soft supple warm tender lips in which he could feel himself melting into with every butterfly kiss.
John was taking this extremely slow, but he didn't care. He wanted time to stand still so he could burn everything into his memory.
“I love you Virgil.” he whispered in his ear as he ran his fingers into his hair, playing with each free untidy strand. Being away from home, Virgil had let his hair fall naturally and John loved it. The natural waves of his hair looked beautiful and John found it fascinating the way it curled around his fingers. He could play with it for eternity if Virgil let him.
"Don't worry, I'd try not to go too far. I wouldn't... I won't hurt you." Virgil said, in between John's kisses, the image of his brother's injury still too fresh in his mind. John was like a drug he craved, one that he had no remedy for - not that he wanted one.
He slowly peeled off his shirt, then took off his own. He kissed him, slowly and methodically, his fingers roaming his body freely like he was playing his piano lovingly. John's kisses tasted sweet like sugar and being with him like this always gave him a high he never found elsewhere. They slowly fell back onto the sleeping bags on the tent floor, Virgil raining more kisses all over John's body.
He growled as he slightly struggled taking his pants off, not knowing the effect that had on John. There he was, beautiful, lean and utterly perfect. God, how he could get drunk on this view. He leaned in, grabbed John's hard member teasingly and acted as if he was trying to swallow it whole. His tongue flicked around every curve as he tried some of the moves John had made on him that had driven him half mad, hoping to repay him in kind. He couldn't help it and gave him a teasing, playful bite on his inner thigh.
Then as he drew himself level with him again, he whispered naughtily in his ear. "Guess what? Tag, you're it. Show me all the ways you love me..."
Virgil was going to regret every word of that.
John didn’t need to be on top. His place underneath gave him the best position to explore and watch all of Virgil’s responses to his hands. He was struggling to keep himself under control - it had been a while since he had felt any sexual desire in his body and it was impossible to hide it.
The little silver Thunderbird hung loosely around Virgil’s neck and John played with that to focus his attention on something else for a few seconds to get himself under control. He then hovered his hands over his lover’s chest and started to play with the chest hair that sprinkled over Virgil’s body, watching how it moved under his touch.
Kisses lingered on that same skin, his tongue finding his nipples to lick and pull into his mouth. He was taking pleasure in his long drawn out affections, hoping Virgil was alright with everything he was choosing to do.
He wriggled a little so he was around Virgil’s belly button, his stomach towering over him, his muscles flexing as he was holding his weight above John, probably wondering why he didn’t want to be on top.
John’s fingers trailed along the line of hair that led down to Virgil’s pelvic regions, his lips tickled those flexing muscles around the belly and his tongue played little swirling circles around the belly button to then trail down that same pattern of hair towards his erection that was now hanging above his head.
John breathed in Virgil’s unique musk one that filled every corner of his mind with visions of ecstasy and excitement.
He used his hands to stroke Virgil’s legs, the outer and inner thighs - his body in a place that allowed him complete access to his lovers lower half. He lightly kissed the tip, licked and played with the very head, letting all of the pre excitement build up and slowly release… the taste of salt rubbed against his lips. He could see him shiver and shake before he started to use his tongue like a paint brush and flick it’s way up and down between kisses, lips pressing against his member but never fully bringing it into his mouth… not yet.
"Arggghhh... John!" He practically yelled, not caring if Kayo could hear. "You're such a fucking tease!" His arms was starting to shake from the effort of barely holding himself together. "I can't... I dunno if I can..."
“You asked me to show you.” John murmured, nuzzling his nose against Virgil’s throbbing member. “So I entend to.”
He took his time allowing little bits of Virgil into his mouth while caressing him, playing with him, listening to him make beautiful music.
“Are you going to beg for mercy yet?” he purred. “Say it… say my name.”
"Fucking hell, John!" Virgil yelled, not caring if the whole mountain range heard him this time. "Oh God, John! Please... no more, I can't..." He was begging now, knowing how John was relishing having him at his mercy. He half collapsed on his elbows, shivering as his mind spun at the magic John wove around his body.
John started to be a little bit more daring but still drew everything out as painfully long as possible. “Be nice Virgil. Say my name like you love me.”
Virgil shifted before he opened his eyes touching their foreheads together. He looked deeply into those sea of emeralds, "I love you, John Tracy..." he purred gently, passionately and with care, like how he handled one of his clay sculptures delicately. "I have always loved you and I always will..."
He faded into another kiss, as they disappeared into each other, blending together creating something new. Virgil swore he saw new bursts of colors bleeding into his life and heart, and for a moment, he almost forgot to breathe. For that brief instant, he found he didn't need to, not when John was that very air around him.
John pressed a finger to those eager wanting lips. “Uh uh...that's not what I asked.” he smiled softly. “I guess that will have to do though till I'm finished.”
He was now on top of him he had gone back down and decided that Virgil had enough. He wasn't rough but it was enough to give Virgil the signal to let it all go and all at once. John could barely swallow the entire load most of it dripping out down his lips, chin and neck dribbling down it stick into the fine blond hairs that lay on his chest. Some had dripped onto his hand so he made a show of licking himself clean.
“I love the way you smell, how you taste…..watching your chest move up and down as your heart beats to a very special drum. I'm covered in your essence because I want to be only yours alone. You hair has beautiful little waves and curls that I can play with staring at them all day…..” he wiped a finger across his chin to clean some of Virgil off his face and licked his fingers clean in the same teasing fashion he had done to Virgil’s long ended erection. “I love you Virgil Tracy, sometimes no words can describe the level of devotion I have for you.” he leaned back over so Virgil could see the mess he had made all over John's body, John behaving as if he didn't know he was sticky and covered in Virgil.
He kissed him, sharing the salt and the moist stickiness that he had tasted first hand to let his lover know how much he loved being like this, just for him.
“Excuse me you two - oh my!” Kayo was surprised by the sight inside the tent and it made her smile grow wide, the decision to grab the boys herself instead of letting Gordon a rather smart one.
“I'm sorry to interupt, but Virgil you need to go back on the horse with Gordon - Scott’s fallen off the horse he was on and they're afraid to move him as he's in incredible pain. Alan's still with him and I've contacted the horse's owners to come and retrieve them.
John sighed and patted Virgil on the head playfully. “Go, I'll clean up and get the first aid stuff organised here. Let me know if I have to call an ambulance.”
"Crud, Scott has some awesome timing..." Virgil sighed as he got cleaned up and dressed. He wanted nothing to cuddle deep into John's arms, but right now his annoying eldest brother needed him more. "Try not to miss me too much." He gave John a quick kiss on his lips.
"Come on Fish Face, lead the way." Virgil said, untying the lead from his horse. It was only a short ride away from the camp, as it had seemed they had been making their way back. Scott sat at the base of a tree, with Alan beside him, their 2 horses grazing nearby.
"Here, let me?" Virgil asked as he bent down to inspect the injury. Alan had already helped to take off Scott's boot and sock, he felt gently around the injured foot. "Well, good news is that nothing seems broken. Just try to take it easy for the rest of the trip, ok? Come on, lean on me, I'd boost you on my horse." Then he took the reins of Scott's and his horse, and led them back to camp on foot, with Alan and Gordon moving off ahead.
“Your utterly priceless Scotty.” Gordon laughed. Scott shot him a warning glance. Rolling his eyes Gordon asked Virgil, “ So… get up to much the three of you at camp?” he gave Virgil a wink which was implied anything and everything but subtly.
Virgil snorted, he was not going to dignify Gords' question, at least not in front of Scott. Poor guy was already in physical pain, he knew better than to screw with his mind with visuals of him and John making out back at camp. He couldn't help laughing at the thought though.
“Wake up Virgil, you and I are going fishing.” John's voice chimed cheerfully and softly as not to wake Gordon as well. After the iron shot yesterday both him and Alan were going to have a crash due blood pressure and it was best to let the rest. Kayo had already been up with Scott however and that's how come John had been talked into going fishing for the day. He wasn't sure if it was worth it since he didn't catch a single thing the day before, but the chance to sneak off with Virgil wasn't one he was going to pass on.
Virgil rubbed the sleep from his eyes. It was so rare to see John this full of life, that he decided to drag himself out of his sleeping bag, when he wanted nothing more to crawl back into it's comforting warmth. And since when did John had a sudden interest in fishing? He laughed to himself, and he grabbed his stuff.
The air was brisk as the breeze blew the chill off the water into their faces. John was smiling, he couldn't help himself. A chance to do something lazy for the whole day was full of promise that there was relaxation to be had. He dropped the gear unceremoniously when he found a nice shady spot to use as an excuse to nap under later if they didn't catch anything and gave Virgil a kiss on the cheek before he made some half decent attempt to find an ideal fly to use on the end of his line.
Virgil blinked, not expecting the kiss from John. Heck, if this was the type of effect the mountains were having on him, he was determined to move the whole of Tracy island here.
John started to bubble on about some random topic of conversation. Afterall, that's what you do when your fishing right?
“So I was thinking, maybe tomorrow we all go into the nearest town, explore a bit, let Gordon and Alan see a film...maybe ditch Scott and Kayo so they can have a private lunch….”
"Are you asking me out on a date, John?" Virgil couldn't help teasing. John was seriously adorable when he was shy.
“Well I guess so.. if you call going to the art gallery and the museums a date.” John rubbed the back of his neck. “I thought you'd enjoy something more up your ally for once...since you do everything else others want to do.”
Virgil giggled and went up to give John a quick peek on the lips. "Thank you. I'd like that. Now, aren't we supposed to be fishing or something?"
John gave him a playful shove. “Yeah, but we have all day. Actually I also tried to find something that I'd want to do in town with you,” he shrugged. “I couldn't find anything that I could share that i like that you'd enjoy too.” he gave a gentle smile. “So instead, after the cultural stuff I found a place that does live jazz while you eat lots of food so….if we have time that is, unsure how long the others can entertain themselves for.”
"Actually, I can think of something. Maybe one night, you can teach me about the stars, all the different constellations and planets you're so in love with."
“I'd have to see if I remember. The stars here are different here in the northern hemisphere than the ones I'm familiar with.. and we'd need a stronger telescope to see the Tracy nebula… then there's the emu in the sky which you can't see very well from here.” John stopped talking when he noticed the confused expression on Virgil's face then laughed it off. “Maybe when you're game enough to come on board Thunderbird Five.”
Virgil flushed, grateful that John seemed to brush it off. Suddenly all thoughts were filled with him and John, entwined together naked in space, as the world spun below their feet.
The day seemed to stretch out forever, John even getting that afternoon siesta beneath the tree with Virgil’s head resting on his lap. This was perfect…. Nothing could ruin perfect bliss.
The next day all of John's suggestions were gratefully taken, Gordon excitedly taking Alan to see a double movie bill of two extremely old horror films from the 90’s, talking non stop about how awesome they were at the time when computer effects were only good enough to enhance the movie and not every single action sequence. Kayo and Scott were dressed up really smart for their lunch date, Scott confiding in Virgil that he planned to pop the question to her and make it all official.
John listened to Virgil talk at length about artists and their techniques, different brushstrokes and effects when changing the camera's aperture and Virgil got a surprise when John was able to tell him the exact perfect setup to take photos of the night sky and of the stars with a standard SLR camera. John squeezed Virgil's hand every time something excitingly nerdy grabbed his fancy in the museum, from dinosaurs to precious stones and even the extensive collection of taxidermied animals and butterflies.
Virgil realised every time they passed a food seller John would buy the weirdest thing they sold to munch on as they wandered about the town, he had to stop him and remind him about the dinner they had planned… to which John bought a large tub of ice cream to share with him in a nearby park, jazz music and dinner completely forgotten.
John had told the others he and Virgil would get a bus back to camp….but that was a half lie. They would in the morning, but for the night he took Virgil to a fancy looking bed and breakfast that was styled as a beautiful little english cottage.
Finally all alone in a romantic little hideaway in a place of ultimate privacy, John gently nuzzled Virgil where he stood in the middle of the room still a little dazed and incapturelated with how stunning it was. John didn't need to woo Virgil with expensive wine - it was all about the atmosphere.
Without words John showed Virgil passion without force, kissing him and lightly tugging on the collar of his shirt guiding him towards the bed and sitting him down so John towered over him allowing him to take control and assault him with his hands and lips. Painstakingly he opened the buttons while running his hands across the hairs on his chest, peeling the shirt back only enough to let him run his fingers down Virgil's sides. He could feel Virgil's hands seeking him out in kind, his shirt starting to loosely hang off his own shoulders as he could feel fingers trace the shapes of his body. John got onto his knees in front of his lover and while distracting him with the motions of his lips and tongue, opened Virgil's trousers to expose him pushing against the satin of his boxers.
There was no warning, John’s hands began to slowly and purposefully massage him, stroke him lovingly….then he started to kiss and tease, using his tongue instead of his fingers.
Virgil leaned back on his elbows and let John work magic on his body. He looked at the fiery reds of John's head, and reached down to caress those locks. When John finally came up for air, he sat up and leaned in their heads touching. Virgil looked into those beautiful kaleidoscope emeralds he loved so much, feeling very much like he was drowning in them.
"You captivate me, John..." He sighed. "Something about being around you, makes me feel more alive than I've ever felt. And I never want that to go away." He smiled, hoping his words was making sense to John, when it barely seems so in his own head.
"I love you, Virgil."
"I know, but I love you more..." Virgil teased.
"Er... no, I'm pretty sure I love ‘you’ more." John teased back.
Virgil giggled. "Silly, when I say I love you more it doesn't mean I love you more than you love me..." "I mean, I love you more than the bad days ahead of us, I love you more than any fight we will ever have. I love you more than the distance that sometimes separates us, I love you more than any obstacle that could try to come between us. Simply put, I love you the most. I always will, John Tracy."
He playfully pinched John lightly on his nose, and he gathered him in for another kiss. He never wanted this day to end. He would replay it over and over in his mind after today. His heart raced as they moved closer, their lips slowly touching, caressing, feeling and exploring each other. "You take me higher with every breath I take." Virgil gasped, as he reached to envelope John in his arms. "Please..." he begged. "Whatever you do. Don't stop. Just..." he gasped again, as John chose then to slipped inside and hit a particular sensitive spot. "Just take me on the floor. Here and now... Fade into me, John..." He pleaded, as his legs curled around his waist, arching his back for good measure.
John obliged moving slowly and with intended purpose with Virgil writhing and squirming beneath him. “Uhhh Virgil I - Ahhh!” John gripped the bedsheets on either side of Virgil’s head, trying to support himself while he gave Virgil everything he had. It had been a while since John could get any sort of feeling there and now it was back it was more intense than ever. He wasn't sure he could keep this up very long the sensitivity was far too great. Underneath him Virgil's wider frame looked beautiful, John could see every single inch from his position and was drinking it in like Alan would a giant creamy soda, a little too greedily but worth every single drop.
He kissed him on the lips and started to trail his own down Virgil’s neck and towards his broad powerful shoulders before he had to stop and let out a loud purr. Virgil had shifted his body to keep John deep within him and while it felt great, John couldn’t hold anymore.
“Nuuuhh! Ohhh Fuck! Virgil… Ahhh! Nnuuhhh uuhhhh!” John’s body shuddered as the last few sharp thrusts as the result of a full body orgasm were made, John almost collapsing while shaking violently as his body couldn’t handle something that strong being discharged from his person. He tried to straighten up to give it another go, his body still well and truly hard but the fitness level required was now beyond him and he just flopped on top of Virgil, struggling to get breath into his lungs… but damn he was not going to remove himself from inside of Virgil… it felt too good and fuck it if he didn’t have the endurance required it wasn’t going to stop him keeping a long hard boner buried where it should be.
As John faded into one last burst inside him, Virgil felt like the mere stardust that was formed, as if they had exploded together just like the Big Bang. Suddenly, it was as if he had turned into the mountains around them, how he was the bedrock and sand that was chiseled and shaped by this very man before him.
Virgil nuzzled his face in John's hair. He didn't want to John to move outside of him. Not just yet, it felt too good. He traced his fingers along John's strong jawline, admiring his silent strength, grateful to the Universe for gracing him with this man's presence. He felt like the luckiest man alive. Nothing mattered, than being right here with John like this. The whole world could burn right now, and he would be ok, as long as he was allowed to be by his side. His forever spinning star.
END
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