The talk (TAG - contains nsfw jokes, brothers being well brothers )

 An old fiction I accidentally orphaned on Archive of our own so reinstating it here. Hope you enjoy as it's where my silly joke about TB5 being a porn storage hub started. (It's still an on going joke too)

Has also recived a major editing update.

THE TALK

Alan looked both ways down the corridor of the bedroom hallway before stepping out with a dirty magazine he nicked off the floor of eldest brother Scott’s room.

He was a growing teenager and with very little way to get off the island unless it was International Rescue related, there were some gaps in his education… mostly of the sexual kind.

The only person to have a current relationship of sorts was Brains, though you wouldn’t quite call his affection for professor Moffat a relationship and more than you could tell the engineer was interested in anything but his machines.

Alan now stood in the bathroom, the magazine laid out on the counter, flicking through the pages. There were lots of ladies in their underwear and alot without too.

He didn’t know the first thing about how looking at these pictures was supposed to make you interested. Sure hormones may have something to do with it but Alan figured Scott’s choice in ladies wasn’t quite the same as he thought his own would be. He flicked through the pages again, this time slower as if that was to make any difference. He did think for a moment of trying to picture Kayo in some of the pictures and then immediately regretted it.

That, he decided was FAR too scary.

Maybe touch had something to do with it as well?

Alan took a deep breath before putting his hands down his trousers before realising he had no idea what he was doing and banged his head against the counter.

He has seen it in movies - granted most were comedies taking the piss out of it - surely it couldn’t be that embarrassing. If you needed it you needed it, right?

Then why did he feel like a complete and utter idiot?

Maybe he should have asked one of his brothers? It’s not like they’ve never done this sort of thing before right? They must have at least once or twice at his age.

He was about to try again while looking at another picture when the door started to open. “Hey hope you don’t mind me Alan, but I really need to take a shower and you’ve been in here for over ten minutes…..”

Alan slammed it closed, only to catch the other person's hand in the door.

“OW, HEY! What’s the big idea?!”

Alan pressed his back against the door now it was shut, cursing his luck. There was no such thing as privacy around here!

On the other side of the door, John shook some life into his left hand. That was really uncalled for. What could Alan possibly be doing in there that would make him do that? It’s not like after years of five brother’s sharing the one bathroom you’d suddenly get all demanding on privacy….

Or maybe? John stared at the door a few minutes longer than any normal person would have as his half tired half pudding mush of a mental state connected the dots.

It really should have been a no brainer, he’d gone through this with Virgil and Gordon...and yeah even though he was younger than Scott…. There was all of that too.

The problem was that Alan was well… Alan. The baby of the family - well at least as far as John was concerned.

“Hey John, thought you were going to have a shower.” Scott wandered up the hallway, wrinkling his nose. It always came as a surprise to Scott how bad you could smell after being in space for a few days at a time. John usually wasn't bothered by it as he’d smelled far worse before and had been on the end of Gordon’s body odor when he had spend a week or more inside Thunderbird 4… and being in a house growing up with only boys, bad smells were a part of everyday life you had to get used to.

“It’s occupied.”

“By who?” Scott’s brow frowned.

“Alan.”

Scott had seen that look before and John was not the easiest person to read either.

“Really? Already?”

“Well it had to happen sometime didn’t it? I mean, I know he’s the youngest and we sort of forget he’s growing up from time to time.” John said that last part mostly referring to himself. Scott knew this because to John - Alan as simply that, the little baby brother he used to look after till he left to study at university. After that Scott knew it took a while for his brother to get his head around Alan wasn’t really a kid anymore in the same vain that Scott always had to remember that John wasn’t the little sick kid anymore - give or take the really bad days, or that Virgil wasn’t a delicate weakling - he could now beat Scott to a smear on the wooden floorboards and that Gordon was more reliable than he acted at the best of times.

“So it’s time for ‘The Talk.”

“Oh hell.” John’s face seemed to lose more colour than usual. “There’s no way I’m going to do it.”

“I don’t think I want to either.” Scott admitted. His experience in the general area was more self - discovery and that wasn’t going to be any use to Alan in regards to a sex talk. “We may have to have a family chat first to decide the best way to do this… as let’s be honest here, do you see Virgil offering to do it?”

The strawberry blonde shook his head. Virgil could barely talk about physical injuries without leaving out crucial details which annoyed John when trying to do situation assessment from space, so a sex chat without help was out of the question.

They both gave each other a look when they realised that left Gordon and that was something neither of them wanted to contemplate.

“So family discussion it is, then we’ll know what the best way is.”

***

Virgil and Gordon were busy eating lunch in the kitchen when Scott and John walked in, John taking a seat beside Virgil and Scott leaning against the counter. Gordon realised that if John was sitting at the same table and Scott was still standing it meant a family meeting and he was quick to stand up to try and make an escape.

“Sit down Gordon, unfortunately we need you to be a part of this.” Scott said with an air of authority that made his younger brother obey and crumple back into his chair looking guilty as if he was in trouble for something. There was never a time where he wasn’t so the guilty expression was a normal sight even if he hadn't done anything… yet.

“What’s the occasion?” Virgil said casually, munching on his sandwich.

Neither John or Scott wanted to speak first. In the end after a long stare at each other from the table to the bench, Scott caved in.

“We need to have ‘The Talk’ with Alan.”

“Which one?” Gordon frowned. “The one about being responsible? The one about not taking his education for granted? Or the one about playing too many videogames at night and sleeping all day?”

“The ‘other’ one.”

“What other one Johnny?”

Gordon yelped as he was kicked from under the table. There were times he forgot John had long legs that could reach.

“The one that dad would have usually done.” Virgil knew exactly what they were talking about. If it was any of the others, Scott wouldn’t have bothered having them all in the same room to discuss it.

“Oh… this wouldn’t happen to be of the adult persuasion?”

There was a round of nods and Gordon started to have a goofy grin cross his face. He looked directly at John and said, “So, this is the what?... twentieth time you’ve walked in on someone jacking off?”

John was poker faced but there was no way he could hide the pink flush of embarrassment in his pale complexion.

“Eighteenth but who’s counting?” Scott chuckled, making John go even pinker. Even Virgil, who usually would be on John’s side of any discussion couldn’t hide a snort of laughter.

“I’m not the only one, Virgil.” John muttered, causing Virgil to go redder than a tomato.

“It’s not as bad as being the the one walked in on believe me.” Gordon quipped.

“Or being caught red handed changing bed sheets in the middle of the night.”

“HEY! That was only once John!”

“No Scott, that’s happened on several occasions and you managed to blame it on one of us till you slipped up one night.” John grunted but there was a hint of grin in his face. “Putting it all your dirty sheets on my bed and not realising that I didn’t sleep in it that entire night cause I was on the floor of Alan’s room since he was having nightmares…. Didn’t take a genius to work out I was being set up.”

“Wait… that was you doing that to us!?” Gordon pointed an accusing finger at the eldest.

“Let’s not dig up the past shall we?” Scott raised his hands defensively. As much as he tried to be the leader and the responsible one of the family, they all really knew he was a dirty rat-bag as a teenager.

“It’s going to be hard not to. Let’s be frank with each other for a minute. Does any of us remember what dad’s talk was?” Virgil raised and eyebrow.

There was brief moment of silence before Gordon piped up, “I don’t think I ever got it.”

“We did but I’d be damned if I remember.” Scott admitted.

“Don’t look at me. How often did I ever listen to our old man?” John said to the accusing stares.

Gordon blew a raspberry. “Seriously though, how hard is it to talk about virginity, knowing about what happens on the first time you do it with a girl, you know the blood and stuff?”

Scott looked blank and Virgil’s eyes were wide. They had been skirting around saying it outloud and it took Gordon and his big mouth to blurt it all out at once. John looked impassive but had folded his arms. He couldn’t believe that Gordon, who was trying to woo Lady Penelope had absolutely no idea how the female anatomy worked.

“First of all,” John said in tones that sounded worse than their father - which for John wasn’t a huge stretch since he used to argue with the old man a great deal - “There’s no such thing as virginity. That’s made up bullshit that comes from a time when men used to treat women as objects,” he pointed at Gordon who was about to open his mouth, forcing his younger brother to shut it promptly knowing full well John could probably give him a personal lecture on feminism after this discussion and was not going to chance it.

“Secondly the only reason you’d draw blood on your first encounter is if you didn’t have foreplay first which is usually the case. There’s none of this ‘popping cherry rubbish’ on a first time because for a start, that’s not how the hymen works.”

“That’s way too much information John.” Virgil reeled, going redder in the face with embarrassment. Scott was looking at the kitchen stairs, hoping to any god that would listen to his silent thoughts that neither Kayo or their Grandmother was going to walk in on this conversation.

John shrugged. “I don’t know where you lot picked up your sex education from but there’s a whole bunch of stuff in medical journals that you probably should read once in awhile when you're keeping your first aid up to scratch.”

“It’s not like we’re going to teach him how to deliver a baby, John.” Virgil felt the embarrassment slide and started to smile. “Though you never know on a rescue. One should always be prepared.”

Scott blinked into life for a minute. “That was one time ok?”

“But expected if you’re helping evacuate people to a hospital.”

“Good point.”

John also had a smile on his face as he knew how unprepared Scott was and was the one who had to talk him through the entire experience. It was an education for the both of them but Virgil and Gordon didn’t need to know that. John was expected to know everything and keep everyone else calm and that was the long and short of it. No one was to know how much he was panicking trying to find the right resources to help Scott out during the delivery and no one knew how hard he laughed afterwards.

“Well I guess the one who’s got the most experience with this sort of thing should do all the talking.”

“Hell no.” John said flatly. “Besides, it’s only what… masturbation he’s needing help with right about now, that’s Scott and Virgil's’ area of expertise.”

“Hey don’t you dare drag me into this.” Virgil snapped with venom in his words. “Besides, he’s going to need the entire talk, not just the….”

“Masturbation parts? Come on Virgil, you know you can say it.” John’s smile was as deadly as a shark.

“Back up a second,” Gordon leaned forward. “You, Johnny… you have had sex before?”

“It’s not my most proudest accomplishment.” John’s face became stone again rather quickly. “Being drunk and having your wallet stolen is not my idea of a great sexual experience to part wisdom with.”

“And here I thought the only sex you’d have is with something inflatable.”

“No that would be you Gordon once we tell Lady Penelope you have no idea how the female body works.” Scott added smiling. “And John is right, sex as the result of a drunken bachelor party at university is not a good story to tell Alan.” he mused. “In fact I don’t think any of the ones I’ve had are something that should be imparted either. One night stands are not something I want to encourage.”

They all found themselves agreeing with Scott. They knew that after the amount of failed relationships he had over the years with women who were only after their father’s money and the fame their family name would give them Scott had for the time being put any thoughts in that direction on a shelf. It was a shame too, Scott had almost been married twice and the damage from those relationships had been pretty hard to recover from.

“So, how are we going to explain to him what being with a woman is like when no one has any great experiences to share?’ Virgil clicked his tongue.

“We could do the short Simpsons version,” Gordon suggested. He started to imitate Homer Simpson at this point, “Alan, a woman is like a beer, they’re cool, sweet, full bodied and you’d step over you mother just to have one.”

“That’s tasteless, even for you Gordon.”

“Well I don’t see anyone coming up with any better.” Gordon started laughing “You know what? I’d pay good money to see Virgil do it.”

“I’m more worried that you’d give Alan step by step instructions if we unleashed you.” Virgil growled.

John place his hands on the table, followed by his head. “This isn’t getting us anywhere.”

Gordon whistled clearly finding some sort of amusement out of all of this. “What I don’t understand is being the two oldest who have actually had experience, neither of you two chickens wusses have a pair of balls between you to do it yourselves.”

“Maybe you don’t have to. Ever considered doing to together?” Virgil was more than happy to poke the conversation in that direction, knowing that if the idea took off he was off the hook.

John looked up just as Scott opened his mouth and both said in unison “That bastard would bail on me!”

“Ok look fine. How about we draw straws? That way there’s a one in four chance, and the rest can back the unlucky devil up if they get stuck.”

There was a worried look from Virgil and one of sheer entertainment from Gordon. John drew a breath. “Fine, we’ll do it the old fashioned way.”

Scott rounded the counter and rummaged for some strays all the same colour and cut one before holding his fist out to his brothers to pick one. One by one they did and then Scott opened his palm to see the one that was left. He breathed a sigh of relief that it wasn’t him that got the short one.

Gordon slapped John on the back. “Looks like it’s your job after all Johnny.”

“Call me that one more time and I’ll tear that arm out of it’s socket.” John hissed. He should have known, he always got the damn short one. “Ergh I really don’t want to do this….”

“Don’t worry we’ll be right there.”

“In the next room.”

“On the other side of the house.”

“And you lumped me in with that chicken wuss, hey Gordon? Bunch of ingrates.”

***

Alan was alone in the living room by the pool table and John looked back down the stairs to the kitchen to where Scott, Virgil and Gordon were waving him onwards. John knew the second he was out of sight they we’re going to do a runner, though there was the off-chance that Gordon would stick around just to watch Alan’s reaction.

Shaking his head and muttering “Bunch of cowards.” under his breath he made his way over to where Alan was invested in a solo game with himself.

“Mind if I join you?”

“Sure. will have to set up a new game.”

“That’s fine.”

He gave a quick glance towards the kitchen stairs where he could just see three heads peering up at floorboard level, before setting up a new game. He let Alan do the first break while he grabbed a cue and for a few turns in complete silence he finally decided ‘to hell with it’.

“Alan about this morning…”

“What about this morning?”

“You slammed my hand in the bathroom door.”

Alan paled a little, but continued to take his shot. “Err sorry?” ‘Clink!’

John thumped the pool cue in his left hand on the floor a few times in thought. “ Um.. Why did you slam the door on my hand for? You’ve never cared about anyone walking in before.” he coughed. “It’s not like you have haven’t got anything I’ve seen before and Kayo has her own bathroom at the other end of the house so…”

“I.. I just did ok?” Alan flushed redder. “I don’t want to talk about it.” ‘Clink!’ a coloured ball was pocketed. Alan wasn’t going to argue the point about being naked in front of his sibling before. For a start John used to change his nappies and potty train him when he was little and everyone had walked in on someone else in the shower at one time or another over the years so he knew his older brother had every right to suspect something was going on.

“Alan if… if something was wrong…” John mentally cursed himself. Another glace and a wave from Scott to continue with the whole charade gave John an idea.

“Look, Alan… you're not the first person I've almost walked in on. Infact last time I caught Virgil doing it in the shower after a really bad rescue just to try and get himself to relax.”

There was a dull thud that came from the stairwell and John tried to remain as gentle and understanding as possible, as laughing at the fact Virgil just fainted and fell down the stars would get him nowhere.

“Are you talking about what I think you're-”

“Yes. And I’ve also caught Gordon and Scott too. I’d be lying if I said we all haven’t been in your position at one point or another.”

“Even you?”

John nodded before taking his shot and missing his colours. “Every time I caught Scott I’d bribe him for one of his magazines. The inside of Gordon's wardrobe is plastered head to toe of girls wearing bikinis and sweet nothings.”

“So… it’s normal?”

“Yeah. I’d be worried if it wasn’t.”

“Huh.” Alan seemed to ponder it over. “Virgil too huh?”

“Yes. I figured that time he may not have had any other way to relax. It happens sometimes.”

Alan had stopped taking an interest in the game of pool and was wondering how to approach the rest of the subject. After all John did openly come to him to talk about it. Alan knew that at least if he wasn’t ready for it John would leave it alone till he was. Maybe that was a good thing, he had considered asking Scott or Virgil but he was too shy to. Scott was the big boss and Virgil didn’t seem the kind of brother that would do that sort of thing. He ruled Gordon out first go as he knew the idiot would laugh in his face…

“It.. It doesn’t effect you know… your ability to have sex does it?” Alan immediately went defensive. “It's not like I’m going to or anything but I was worried that you know...you hear things and see stuff in movies.”

“Honestly? Doctors would tell you it doesn’t. I wouldn’t know.” John shrugged. “I wouldn’t believe the movies. All those sex scenes are staged… and wasting time on porn kinda is desensitizing after a while.” John sighed. “All you really need to know Alan is it’s normal, it makes you feel better, less tense and above all else it won’t kill you. Just… don’t hurt yourself by overdoing it.”

Clearly John didn’t want to talk about it too much either. Alan however wanted to know more so he tried a different tactic that would be a little more comfortable. After all the image of John watching porn was going to be a difficult one to shake.

“So have you ever… been with a girl before?”

“Yeah. However I think Scott’s more qualified to field that kind of question. He’s got more experience on that front… I mean did you know he had a fiancee more than once right?” John didn’t feel one bit guilty dobbing Scott in.

“Oh I see.”

“Look, Alan… I’m not the right person to do this kind of talk. Compared to everyone else my sex life is non - existent and the little of it I do have isn’t something you talk about as a good example of a relationship. Alcohol and peer pressure can be pretty horrible things and I kinda fell into that trap one night. One day though, maybe I’ll find someone who’d find me more interesting than a sack of potatoes but till then I can’t really give you the answer you want to hear. Last thing I want to do is make you think it’s all bad… because being with the right person can be amazing. At least that’s what I’d like to think it would be like.”

Alan thought about it. At least John was being honest with him. That’s all he could ask for. He didn’t want this conversation to end there, there was so many questions he needed answered.

“Hey could you tell me what it was like going through it all with Scott and Virgil around? That must have been really weird with it all happening at once.”

“Heh sort of. I mean, we also had you and Gordon running around too. Trying to find time to yourself to experiment with things wasn’t easy.” John sniggered. “Scott used to change our bed sheets with his ones because he didn’t want dad to find out he was masturbating at night and tried to pin it on us.” John saw Alan’s eyes open in surprise with a wide grin and John couldn’t help but start laughing.

“Virgil used to make a sort of cubby house to hide under, without realising that you could see exactly what he was doing because the torch would make silhouettes on the sheets.”

“Really?”

“Heh heh yeah. Want to know something? Gordon still hides in his closet to do it.” John chuckled. “You know what he’s doing as he talks out loud to himself.” John then started to make fun of Gordon's voice, “Ohh that’s it, touch me right there Penny, that’s the stuff!”

Alan let out a snort and was now laughing pretty hard too. In a way this was a relief. He didn’t feel so silly anymore...because now he knew his brothers were far worse.

“Hey! I’m probably not the only one who talks to themselves while they're having a private moment!” Gordon shouted, storming over with Scott and Virgil tailing behind. They had clearly had enough of John using them as an example. “I bet you're up all alone in that tin can of yours jerking off every time that O’Bannon woman has visited the station!"

“Oh Ridley you're so sexy, I’d like to see you without you suit! Come into my quarters and I’ll show you a real space man!” Gordon mocked John’s voice.

“Pfft, maybe if he could get his space suit off.” Scott added. “That things so damn tight I be he’s more than happy to flash himself around her.”

“I did not jerk off after that mission last week in the shower! I was merely washing myself.” Virgil grunted indignantly.

“Sure, whatever Virgil. Next thing you're going to tell Alan is that you were making shadow puppets in your makeshift cubby house when you were eleven.” John rolled his eyes. Then Alan noticed the shark-like smile cross John’s face as he leaned against the pool table. “You also seem to forget that I have access to every single satellite on the planet and could quite possibly have a whole stash of illegal pornography up on that station and get it off everytime there’s a lul in any active duty while I’m up there. Also since there’s no showers on board my whole cabin smells of ‘ode to John’ as well as my space suit twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.”

“Ergh! Yuck! No wonder you smell so damn gross!” Scott started to gag.

“Ok that’s seriously more disgusting than my trash pile in Thunderbird 4.”

“That…. That’s… god John really?”

John held that smile that reminded Alan of a predator, waiting for the kill but also content with playing with it’s food.

“Where else is more private than space?” John said very carefully, making sure that every word sounded suggestive. It didn’t take much. His brother’s already had a pretty vivid picture implanted in their heads. “Best part, is I can be as loud as I want when I get all touchy feely-”

“That’s it! I’ve heard enough!” Virgil raised his hands and spun around on his heels with his fingers in his ears. He started to hum loudly as he walked out of the living room.

Scott shuddered and shook his head. “That’s that’s awful John.”

“Hey you’ve been pretty much my inspiration Scott. It’s all on you.”

“Oh no you don’t don’t you… I think I’m going to be sick…” and with that Scott fled to find the nearest place he could throw up which was on the other side of the room in one of grandma’s house plants.

“Can you picture it Gordon? Oh yeah baby that feels sooo. Good!” John said with such believably Alan swore testosterone dripped off every word. He also tried so hard to keep a straight face as Gordon’s soured and started to clearly be grossed out. “Ohhh yeah Ridley you’re such a sexy lady, I want you to put your hands underneath my suit and feel me down there…”

“Ok John you can knock it off. You’ve made your point.” Gordon frowned.

“Ohhh no Gordo.. I’m just getting started.” John held his smile. He leaned forward and rested his weight on the pool cue in his left hand and then started to playfully stroke it with his right. “How about some free lessons? I bet I know a few things in the bedroom you haven’t even thought of as you hide sinfully in your closet.”

Alan couldn’t contain himself anymore he had to sit on the floor on the other side of the pool table before he burst out laughing and gave it all away that John was clearly taking the piss. What was making it even more hilarious was that Gordon was completely buying the whole idea that John was a dirty bastard.

He wasn’t missing much, his imagination was filling in the details pretty well, especially since John has this really sultry tone in his voice that could make something as bad as Grandma’s cooking sound sexy and attractive.

Gordon was going bright red. He was at the stage he couldn’t tell if John was being serious or just purely fucking with him.

John stroked the pool cue and then imitated those bad pole dancing things you see on late night tv ‘call me’ hot sex phone lines.

“I’m sure I can make an exception, after all, everyone keeps telling me to keep my options open - what happens between brothers stays between brothers…. Right?” and then to emphasise the point and put a cherry on the innuendo he kissed the pool cue gently and started to slowly run his lips along the length of it.

At the point Gordon was furious, opened his mouth a few times but nothing came out.

“I’ll fix you right up while you sleep, you’ll never know the difference.”

“Ok that’s it! If you're suggesting you’re going to suck me off then I’m going to beat the crap out of you the second you set foot in my bedroom!” Gordon shouted red faced before running off up stairs towards the bedrooms.

John waited a few minutes before straightening up and pulling a face. "This tastes like turtle wax.”

Alan had burst out laughing and had flopped onto his back as it hurt his ribs so much.

“No I’m serious, what the hell does Virgil clean these with? The stuff he uses to polish his piano? Blergh.” he lent the cue against the table and walked around to where Alan was laughing his guts out. He offered his youngest sibling a hand up off the floor.

“For the record, I don’t even think you could get a dog to lick butter off Gordon's cock let alone get a human being to suck it. That’s damn gross.” John sighed. “Seriously, what did they teach those guys in school? If they were teaching anything of use, they’d have all known that your blood pressure lowers in space and your muscles deteriorate a little meaning that even if you wanted to get a boner and have sex with a hot space astronaut you wouldn’t even be able to produce one.”

“Really?”

“Uh huh. When I said my sex life was non-existent, I meant every word.”

“So you don’t?”

“Alan, I don’t get much time at home. I’d rather spend it with you guys than hiding in my room with dirty pictures on a computer… that’s if you guys actually want to spend it with me. It's either that or I'm pretty sick when I've touched down after being up there for so long, so there is not really any opportunity for it.”

“So.. all that just now…”

“Was me being an arse. I’ve put up with so much rubbish from you guys all these years it’s not as if I don’t know how to play you all like Virgil does that piano.” John straightened his shirt. And dusted himself off. “Man I feel so dirty.”

“I don’t think any of them are going to want to talk to you for a long time after this.”

“That’s ok, as long as you still are and this put some worries out of you mind, I’ve done my job. But never feel bad about things like that ok? " John ruffled Alan’s hair.